Celebritish

Be still our heaving stomachs

2008-06-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

Now, 'Judith Chalmers' and 'going commando' are two concepts one would never, ever want to see combined in a single sentence — but, horribly, the sunbaked travel veteran has revealed she never wore knickers in her 30 years as a host on Wish You Were Here.

Ewww, ewww and thrice ewww. Celebritish remembers watching this programme as a small child, dreaming of having such a cushy job in adult life. Perhaps, had we taken to foresaking our underwear, that life could have been ours! Dammit!

Apparently the reason for losing the pants was to avoid VPL - a practical solution we're sure you'll agree. It got us thinking about whether other celeb hosts do the same. Is Jonathan Ross swinging free? Richard and Judy? Russell Brand (well that one kind of goes without saying)? A nation needs to know!

Heather Mills: Back to Reality

2008-06-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Perhaps owing to her fondness for maintaining proximity to extremely rich men, everyone's favourite golddigging harridan Heather 'Mucca' Mills is set to appear in the US's version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well, there's certainly no denying that she's damn good at making money, in her own unconventional way...

Donald Trump has already reportedly declared that he "really likes her" and is "into the idea" - what is it with rich men and character judgement, and, more to the point, could Heather be lining up Old Loaded Fool mk 2 with this smart career move? Trust us, Macca was just the starter.

DAMN THOSE PAPARAZZI!

2008-06-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

Celebritish spent yesterday evening on the beach, checking out the ladies and toning our abs. No pain, no gain, and all that.

What we didn't realise was that the event was being captured by an evil paparazzi photographer hiding in the bushes. Today we turn on the computer to see the pictures (see above) splashed all over the internet. How do you wretched photographers sleep at night?

Feed him to Wino

2008-06-19T06:12:00.000-07:00

News reaches us that George Sampson from Britain's Got Talent 'could go blind any day'.

George, the boy who dances slightly out of time to Mint Royale songs - as opposed to the dog who dances in time to the James Bond theme tune - has revealed that he has a rare disease called Uveitis which can under certain circumstances cause blindness (Wiki says if its discovered early, prognosis is good).

We would have more sympathy but we're getting sick of this kid's moaning. First it was the rather dramatic 'Docs Say I Must Never Dance Again' (the day after this, his participation in the Britain's Got Talent tour was announced), now it's 'I Could Go Blind Any Day' (cue a lucrative Specsavers contract - presumably).

Could it be that we've found a candidate for the coveted 'Pop Culture's Most Fragile Person' award? To be fair, that twat out of Keane has been hogging it for the last 5 years.

The wisdom of the birds

2008-06-19T02:27:00.000-07:00

Celebritish had to shed a slight tear (of mirth) upon reading the dreadful news that 40,000 Katie Price and Peter Andre albums have been discovered rotting and covered in bird shit.

We particularly like this quote from the finder, who chose to remain nameless: "I thought I’d stumbled on a stash of Coldplay’s new album ready for sending out, so I was gutted when I saw it was some rubbish Jordan and Peter Andre tried to get in the charts. "

Mainly for the fact that the MOST EXCITING thing he could possibly imagine the mystery find to be was the new Coldplay album.

Anyway, a more apt fate we can barely imagine, and there's something especially satisfying about it because Jord and Pete strike us as such an obsessively, shinily clean couple. The yin to Wino's yang. Speaking of whom, apparently she's going to be kept in hospital for as long as it takes her to quit The Drugs. We estimate that to be exactly as long as she stays in hospital and not a day beyond that. Still, nice to see an unnamed "source" giving the tabs a run for their money in the punning stakes: "There is a feeling her family can have a good crack at sorting her out this time." Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it Gordon Smart!

Knightley-watch: 'inhaling puddings'

2008-06-18T00:32:00.000-07:00

Celebritish had a rare opportunity yesterday to sample the delights of the Richard And Judy show - and speaking of all things Dick Madeley, we thoroughly recommend "his" blog. Hee-larious reading, we think you'll agree.

Anyway, there was an interesting debate about gayness featuring Celebrity Comedy Gay Stephen K Amos, which came to the shocking conclusion that gay people are all different and therefore should not be stereotyped. Verily, Celebritish was shocked at this revelation.

Then we were treated to a taster of an interview with Keira Knightley and Matthew Rhys, stars of upcoming Dylan Thomas biopic The Edge Of Love. And guess what darling Keira was banging on about this time? Yes, her weight, her struggle with her natural thinness (Celebritish can sympathise here) and how the papers are mean to her. Apparently her publicist called her to tell her one paper had written 'the worst thing she'd ever read about anyone'. She clearly doesn't share a publicist with Heather Mills, then.

Matthew Rhys then backed up Keira's 'I eat like a horse, honest' claims, declaring that she and Sienna Miller 'inhaled puddings' on the film set. Is this some crazy new LA diet craze about which we've yet to hear?

Le Bon and Ronson, sitting in a tree...

2008-05-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

And lo! Celebritish is back in action. We don't want to share the horrific details of what's been going on to stop us writing, but suffice to say we managed to escape from the cellar and Rik Waller is safely in police custody.

As we reaccustom ourselves to the sunlight and, more importantly, the vagaries of the celebrity world, we are intrigued to find that the latest pair of celebrities to be sharing a bit of platonic (we assume) manlove are Mark Ronson and Simon LeBon. And might we say what a lovely couple they make.

While Ronson speaks of his love for Duran Duran and confesses "I used to take a picture of John Taylor with me to the barber shop" (who does he take a picture of now, Celebritish wonders?) Le Bon takes it to a whole new stage. Yes, he's verily overflowing with adoration for the man Ronson.

"He looks great in a well cut suit, and has the blood and voice of an Englishman", he declares in a way that kind of makes us vaguely think of the BNP in a slightly disconcerting way.

While no one could argue Mark looks pretty damn fine in a suit (heck, Mark would look pretty damn fine in a bin bag), the Englishness of his blood and his voice are rather more debatable surely?

Oh yeah, and they're doing a concert in Paris or something...

Don't you know who I am? Erm, no

2008-03-06T04:13:00.000-08:00

Poor old Daniel Bedingfield. Proving fame is a fickle mistress indeed, Bedders was nearly turned away from the Paper shiteclub because the bouncers had not a clue who he was. Lucky old bouncers, eh?

When Dan decided he'd Gotta Get Thru This queue of ordinary folk by exploiting his ever-waning celebrity status, the bouncers told him: "If You're Not The One you ain't comin' in."

Finally, however, the bouncers relented and let him in. Maybe he wore them down by singing at them, like when the Americans played the Barney The Dinosaur theme tune on repeat to weaken terror suspects.

Jordan drops her pants

2008-03-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

Here is Jordan launching her new range of underwear in London.

What she wants us to think: Jordan is breaking down the walls of oppression that keep 'normal people' out of the media. Lets go and buy some pants! Hooray!

What we really think: Jordan is posing with some fat people for a picture that the tabloid hacks can add a comedy caption to, therefore helping her shift thousands of pairs of ugly knickers.

The funny thing is, despite the fact she would have asked for less attractive models to make her look better, most of the girls actually look more attractive than her. It's backfired, just like when the average-looking kid takes his ugly mate to the disco only for the ugly one to get the girl. In your face Jordan!

Daniel is guarded

2008-03-05T04:24:00.000-08:00

Distressing news from the set of the new Harry Potter, where poor little Danny Radcliffe is under armed guard after receiving death threats.

We've always had a soft spot for Daniel, and can't imagine who would do such a nasty thing, but we'd suggest the police turn their investigations toward Lord Voldemort... we've heard bad things about that guy.

Kate Moss makes skeletons have sex

2008-03-05T03:10:00.000-08:00

On the day Kate Moss and her ilk are condemned by the UN for their irresponsible rock'n'roll behaviour it's revealed that she has a pair of skeletons in her hallway.

As ever, there is a comedically challenged 'friend' to relay the story to the press:

"She wants to paint one set with her face beaming down and the other with Jamie [Hince]'s mug. It'll look hilarious."

Yes, 'hilarious'.

Truly showing respect for the deceased she has so far painstakingly arranged them in the missionary position and will be working her way through the Karma Sutra with her boney friends.

Can you imagine being a poor old corpse? If you're not being degraded by Gunther von Hagens you're being humiliated by Kate Moss. Celebritish are considering starting a campaign to give back dignity to cadavers with the provisional name Save Our Skeletons.

Chantelle: a sterling example to women everywhere

2008-03-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

Well, you can say a lot of things about Chantelle Houghton, she of Celebrity Big Brother 'fame', but none of those things would involve the words 'class', 'intelligence' or 'dignity'.

Pictured in a typically delightful pose in the Sun, she spills the beans on her new fella, renowned woman-beater Tony Richardson. You know, the one who left bruises all over Jennifer Ellison. What a catch. Still, you can't fault Chantelle's logic. She said:

'I like to take people on face value. He's fit. He's not in prison so it's not like he could've done anything that bad... I'm not going to waste time thinking about how I feel about it.'

At least we think she did - her words were slightly obscured by the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst spinning in her grave.

Ah well, at least he's 'fit on face value' hey? What a lucky girl...

By the way, this is Tony in all his glory - form an orderly queue ladies.

Bedingfield's boo boo

2008-03-03T03:51:00.000-08:00

Here is Daniel Bedingfield rocking the red carpet on Saturday night at the Black Entertainment Television launch party. Quite why he was there we don't know, as far as we're aware he isn't black or entertaining but don't quote us on that.

We're still waiting for news on his next album but if this sartorial faux pas is anything to go by we're expecting an Arctic-Monkeys-living-on-the-streets kind of vibe, with a bit of Charlie Chaplin chucked in for good measure.

Strangely there was no mention of his rather unsuccessful foray into construction work last week which resulted in the destruction of a luxury home in Broadstairs.

Celebrity Mother Of The Year - A potted history

2008-02-29T04:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Suzanne Shaw of Hear'Say and Dancing On Ice fame recieved the honour of being made Celebrity Mum of The Year (sponsored by Le Redoute).

We thought we'd take a look back at the history of the prestigious award and which shining examples of maternal love and nurturing it has been bestowed upon previously.

Last year, the prize (sponsored by Grattan this time) was won by a woman who rarely gets the accolades she deserves. Jordan, also known as Katie Price, likes to keep away from the limelight so little is known about her. What we do know is that she is the kind of caring person who will dedicate every waking hour to ensure her children grow up well-adjusted and as normal they can in the crazy world of showbiz.

The year before that, Sharon Osbourne received the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award from Freemans. Sharon proved what a caring mother she was when she forked out for all of her children to go to rehab to deal with drug addictions they had acquired whilst underage at clubs in LA with 'the wrong crowd'. Kids, eh?

In 2005, Celebrity Mum Of The Year, this time sponsored by Quality Street, was awarded to Kerry Katona. Kerry, best known for her lucrative deal with OK! magazine has always put her family first - giving her unborn babies a little pick me up with a beer and a fag and topping up their college fund with staged paparazzi shoots. But she was cruelly branded "Most Irritating Individual In Britain" by milk substitute (?!) 'Lactofree'. Those milk-hating fascists can shut up! Are they mum of the year 2005? No they are not!

Ulrika Jonsson was Mum Of The Year 2004. She certainly can't be accused of embarassing her children by shagging Sven Goran Eriksson, John Leslie, Stan Collymore, a camera man, Hunter from The Gladiators, an Afghan sheep farmer, Tiny Tim, that bloke off of the Cillit Bang adverts etc. And confessing to being a sex addict. Also calling one of your children Bo is a beautiful tribute to your grandfather, not an open invitation to any bullies to flush your child's head down the toilet.

For some reason in 2003 the powers that be decided to give the award to Melinda Messenger. Some people might be taken in by her "Ooh I'm so lovely" act but we've seen footage of her revealing herself as a fan of George Galloway on This Morning. Is there any worse condemnation of a person's character?

Proving that she truly deserves the accolade, Kerry Katona won Mum Of The Year in 2002 as well as 2005. Here she is pictured with her mother, you know, the one who shagged Kerry's boyfriend and introduced her to booze and drugs. Who would have thought Kerry would rise above this and become a successful mother, celebrity and novelist?

America might have the Oscars, but we have the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award (next year to be sponsored by Spam?) and we're bloody proud of it.

Kate Moss wants to escape the big smoke

2008-02-29T03:58:00.000-08:00

It's been reported that pikey clothes-horse Moss is attempting for the thousandth time to give up her precious cancer sticks.

This time she is resorting to sticking more and more Nicotine patches to her tiny frame, increasingly resembling a painting by Georges Braque.

The 'source' quoted in the story sounds like a card!!!!@@!!!

"If anyone else asks for one [a nicotine patch], she sells them for £1.50. People are very surprised when she tries to charge them for one... The look on their faces when she says she has to make some spare cash somehow is hilarious!"

Yes, I can imagine the amusement on the faces of the poor little plebs lumbered with the job of trowling concealer into her facial crevices when she - a seriously overpaid supermodel - won't even spare a nicotine patch to help them give up the fags.

Next week Kate makes a homeless man dance for 10p.

Friendship never ends?

2008-02-28T02:47:00.000-08:00

Well, the Spice Girls have come to the end of their world tour.

And, from the look on Victoria's face as the girls shared a 'spontaneous' group hug, not a moment too soon...

On their website, the girls posted: "There are tears of both sadness and joy." Really?

Pete attacked by kitten

2008-02-28T02:33:00.000-08:00

This story has a definite whiff of bullshit about it - we don't really believe that Doherty, for all his faults, would be a prima donna about which angle he is photographed from.

But we just can't help liking the idea of celebrities being attacked by kittens.

Maybe there's a far more innocent explanation for those scratches all over Winehouse - she's just been playing with A LOT of kittens.

Miaow!

Oi, Ronson, no!

2008-02-28T02:24:00.000-08:00

Picture this: you're Mark Ronson. You put trumpets on people's songs, and the crowds love it. You're the height of cool, you've been (inexplicably) awarded the Brit for Best Male Solo Artist, and you have every Tom, Dick and Harry willing to sell their grandmothers for you to sprinkle some of that Ronson magic over their musical efforts. The world truly is your oyster.

So, why the hell would you decide to work with the Kaiser Chiefs? A charmless band who are well past their prime, and whose prime wasn't even very good?

We despair.

*Celebritish exclusive!: Kaiser Chiefs' new album to feature "lots of trumpets".*

Piers disses Keirs

2008-02-28T02:05:00.000-08:00

Today, Celebritish has to make a truly shameful confession. Yes, readers, we agree with something that Piers Morgan said. We know, a shocking revelation.

Piers, you see, has told beautiful misery-guts Keira Knightley to stop 'er whining.

He comments: "She moans about being famous then does endless photo sessions. You can't use the media to promote yourself and then attack them! My message to Keira is, 'If you'd like me to get off your case, then stop bleating'."

Hear, hear!

Keira has been known to bleat the following: "Australian Aborigines say that with every photo that is taken, a piece of your soul goes with it. And there are some days when I kind of believe it."

Presumably not the days when she did this, this, or this. And we're fairly sure it wasn't her soul the photographers were interested in capturing.

They're very nice pics, undoubtedly, but we don't think the Aboriginals would approve...

Celebritish in "getting old" shocker

2008-02-26T06:49:00.001-08:00

Celebritish were somewhat perturbed yesterday to read of Blur drummer Dave Rowntree's bid to become a Labour MP.

Now, Alex James's cheese farming we could deal with - food is the new rock n' roll after all, and cheese is one of the more decadent foodstuffs.

And Damon Albarn's foray into opera was okay because it was based on that funny old TV series with the whistling monkey.

But Dave as a Labour MP?? The cheeky boys we knew and loved as teenagers are now well and truly part of the establishment it seems. It came as a shock to us that he's 43 years old, too. Terrifying.

Oh dear, we'll be asking teenagers to "turn that racket down" next...

True Brit

2008-02-21T03:23:00.000-08:00

Well, Celebritish did our blogging duty and sat through the Brits last night — it was a bit awkward and stilted until the end when it all got shambolic and pissed — so at least it had that authentic party vibe.

Here are some observations, in no particular order of importance:

Ozzy screwing up the Paul McCartney introduction was hilarious, as was the revelaton (by Sharon) of the fact that Ozzy listens to Macca's music every day of his life. Sweet lord, no wonder he is the way he is!

When Mika opened the show, it might have been just us, but we could have sworn we actually saw the pound signs lighting up his admittedly rather beautiful eyes as he marvelled at the Marketing Opportunity opening the Brits entails and thought of all the units that would be shifted as a consequence, "Ker-CHING" indeed, Mika!

We have to thank the awards for exploding two bizarrely commonly held myths last night: the myths that Chris Moyles and Allen Carr are funny people. Sadly, Vic Reeves, who used to be quite amusing, also demonstrated that he has undoubtedly had his funny bone removed. Drunkenness is no excuse Reeves, you can be drunk and funny, in fact the two are quite happy bedfellows most of the time.

The people who did the lightshow for the Klaxons/Rihanna "mash-up" were very talented - it looked amazing. When the only thing you notice about a performance is the lightshow, though... :-(

Adele declared: "Speeches are boring". Tell that to Churchill and Luther King, madam! Still, she made a good effort at proving the point with her own speech.

Ozzy introduced Kaiser Chiefs as "Kaiser Cheese". Which is about right in our opinion - a smelly old cheese that's past its sell by date too.

Kelly introduced Kylie as someone who's "been making great pop since the Nineties". Since the 90s, Kelly?! Does I Should Be So Lucky mean nothing to you?!?! For shame!!

Mark Ronson is a producer, not a solo artist - is he treated as one because he looks pretty and is cool? Interestingly, despite his gorgeousness and coolness, the guy has zero stage presence, as he proved when he took to the stage to play half-assed guitar behind some singers. Oh yeah, one of those singers was Winehouse. Jury's out on how her recovery's going, she certainly seemed a little "edgy" and was over-singing somewhat, but was basically pretty good, we thought. Bad sign that she asked the crowd to "give it up for my husband" though - why, exactly? For being in prison and having nothing whatsoever to do with British music? Woo, yeah, Blake! Hurrah, encore!

The choreography for Leona Lewis's performance was quite simply deranged, and probably the funniest thing in a show sorely lacking in good jokes. Leona managed not to laugh though, and did put in probably the best performance of the night. She might have no personality, but she sure as heck has star quality and a cracking pair of lungs.

The non-stop Brit school mentions surely had the reverse of the intended effect, unless the intended effect was to make everyone bored beyond belief with the Brit school and get it roundly mocked by a drunken Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, who pretended he was also a graduate of the Selhurst stage school - to minimal comic effect.

Paul McCartney's Everybody's Gonna Dance Tonight is truly the most terrible song ever written, and made us wish that the ultra-realistic firebomb explosions that accompanied his following number Live And Let Die were actually happening.

So, that was the Brits that was. Not a triumph, nor a shambles. Here's hoping next year it'll make it's mind up one way or t'other!

Radio 2 feels the Ball

2008-02-19T06:33:00.000-08:00

Housewives' (and some househusbands', let's not discriminate) favourite Michael Ball has been given his very own Radio 2 show.

Controller Lesley Douglas explains: "His warmth and sense of humour make him perfect Sunday morning company."

"Good Sunday morning company", perhaps, but "perfect Sunday morning company" status is reserved for those who, on top of the warmth and humour, also provide alka seltzers, fry-ups and Simpsons DVDs.

Michael adds: "I hope listeners will make a regular date to have lunch with me on Sunday." Oooh, Michael, you are a tease!

Yes, it's the day of the Lord... Michael Ball's on the radio... so safe... so wholesome... Celebritish have come out in hives! Where's Katona when you need her? Now there's a woman whose warmth and sense of humour make her perfect Sunday morning company - Lesley, get her on the phone now!

Vivienne's dirty protest

2008-02-15T03:03:00.000-08:00

One of our serious bugbears here at Celebritish is celebs getting 'political', and Vivienne Westwood's London Fashion Week show last night is a prime example.

Models wearing 'fair trial my arse' pants strutted blankly up and down the catwalk bearing banners asking for 'Justice For The Prisoners In Guantanamo Bay'. Now, we're no lovers of Guantanamo Bay ourselves, but hell, there's a time and a place for protest and a fashion show isn't it. It's hardly an industry renowned for its moral rectitude, and anyway we don't want to be reminded of waterboarding while we're looking at pretty clothes, thanks, it just makes all this fashion stuff seem a bit, I don't know, trivial?

Say what you like about politicians, at least they do us the honour of not pretending to be clued up on the world of couture. That said, Gordon's looking seriously fashion-forward at the moment... takes years off him!

Kaplinsky keeps her husband happy

2008-02-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

News annoyance Natasha Kaplinsky has revealed in a Times Interview that her alternating hairstyles have a fabulous effect on her marriage. Apparently, going to bed with straight hair and waking up with curls makes her husband "feel like he's sleeping with two different women".

We can imagine this really is quite a boon, considering any man having to spend every night of his life with Natasha Kaplinsky would surely be fervently wishing to wake up next to someone, anyone else.

One in the eye for Ant and Dec

2008-02-14T05:58:00.000-08:00

News reaches Celebritish Towers that Ant and Dec have an exciting new sponsor in Birds Eye.

It's interesting, isn't it, that a frozen food company should choose to sponsor a show called Saturday Night Takeaway — the title subconsciously encourages viewers to get a takeaway, surely? Thus rendering it ultimately less likely they'll be cracking open the Birds Eye to feed their lazy faces while they vegetate in front of the gogglebox and miss out on all the opportunities to live a little that leaving the house on a Saturday evening might provide.

Ah, the complications of our modern world...

You too can look like Aisleyne!

2008-02-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

Ever head out of a Saturday night and find yourself thinking, 'You know, I just don't look slutty or cheap enough?'

You do? Well then, do we have news for you!

Yes, Aisleyne Horgan Wallace has launched her very own clothing range!

And may we say, if all the dresses are as lovely as the one in the picture on the website, we'll be buying in bulk!

Still, at least the girl is actually wearing clothes, unlike in most of the other pictures of her we've come across (so to speak).

We actually secretly quite like Aisleyne, especially after finding out she's friends with godlike genius Charlie Brooker (whose Valentine's piece in yesterday's Guardian had us laughing and cringing out loud), but never, ever would we want to live in a world where people dress like her.

Natalie Cole: American Idiot

2008-02-12T03:56:00.000-08:00

Natalie Cole, general has-been and clinger on to the shadow of her dad Nat King's legend, has slammed the Grammys for letting Winehouse win.

Cole, who battled her own drug problems in the past, said: "You don't get to do your drugs and go onstage and get rewarded. It sends a bad message."

Well, sure, why don't we just give the music awards to clean-living folk, they do tend to make the most interesting music after all, don't they? Imagine, a world where Westlife swept the boards at everything from the Brits to the Novellos (though frankly Celebritish isn't quite convinced that even they're not on something, did you SEE the Uptown Girl video?)

Awards should go to whoever the judges deem to have done the best song, album, or whatever, and that's the end of it. Clearly Natalie Cole's brain has gone wrong since she quit the drugs.

Sophie Anderton's full of sh*t

2008-02-12T03:01:00.000-08:00

We're not sure quite why Sophie Anderton has chosen to reveal the foul secrets of rehab to Closer, and we can't quite say we're glad she has, frankly.

Apparently: "You take tablets and when you do a poo you're given chop sticks to look at it. I discovered I had part of a tapeworm in me and it must have been there for ages . They think I might have got it from eating my steak rare."

This would be rather more likely to put you off rare steak than deter you from the delights of the naughty salt surely? Still, with the amount of dodgy trouser snakes Sophie's reportedly had in her, one little worm shouldn't make all that much difference.

She added, "I don't need the showbiz world."

Yes, you read correctly, she told a journalist for showbiz magazine Closer: "I don't need the showbiz world." Evidently!

Lenny Henry has a moan

2008-02-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

Now we at Celebritish are all for equality, obviously, but we can't wholeheartedly condone Lenny Henry's complaints about racism in the world of television.

It's an important issue, no doubt, and one that needs discussing. Nonetheless, someone needs to tell poor Lenny that if he's being passed over for work, it really is nothing to do with the "black" thing, and everything to do with the "about as funny as a fire in an orphanage" thing.

Celebritish exclusive: Matt di Angelo is officially "gorgeous"

2008-02-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

Celebritish caught up with a good, and anonymous, friend last night, who has been spending some time hanging with the Strictly Come Dancing tour "massive".

After a quick chat, we can officially reveal two things:

Zoe Ball is "one of the nicest women in the world".

Matt di Angelo is "absolutely, unbelievably gorgeous".

You heard it here first! Though you might have come to that conclusion about Matt even without the first hand knowledge, admittedly.

Leona gets violent

2008-02-08T02:33:00.000-08:00

X Factor personality-void Leona Lewis has revealed that she thinks violence is all part and parcel of a normal London upbringing.

She reveals: "Most of my friends have beet shot, stabbed or beaten up."

Jesus, they must be an annoying bunch!

Seriously, though, it's a little harsh for a girl from Hackney to tar all of our fine city with the same brush. Celebritish grew up in London (well, Zone 5) and the nearest we came to violence was a spot of violent vomiting after one too many Diamond Whites.

Anyway, Hackney is perfectly safe, because this lot say so, and MPs are a trustworthy bunch aren't they?

Pointless survey alert!

2008-02-06T05:05:00.000-08:00

Did we really need Carnation Footcare to tell us that more of the fine British public would like to play footsie with Kylie than with Pete Doherty? Well, no, we didn't - that's really a no-brainer, regardless of which gender floats your boat, isn't it?

Apparently this proves that when it comes to ladies' feet, smaller is better - except it doesn't, because we'd still like to play footsie with Kylie if she was hiding a pair of size nines, whereas if we found out Anne Widdecombe had dainty size two tootsies, we still wouldn't.

Not that she was in the poll - the only nod to politics was Dave Cameron, who got no votes at all. Most harsh - Celebritish think he looks like a man familiar with the joys of a good pedicure. And rather him than Gordon, surely?

Andrew Lloyd Webber brings us closer to Summer

2008-02-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

Face-transplant-guineapig Lloyd Webber has revealed he has cheated Hollyoaks viewers (that can't be very hard, can it?) by 'planting' Summer Strallen in the Channel 4 show before cruelly reeling her back to be launched as a star of the West End.

Having asked for the opinion of some of our theatre experts we have discovered the only thing Hollyoaks proved for Summer is the fact she can't act and has a very annoying face.

First a sitcom with a fictional making-of show, now planting aspiring musical stars in soap operas to raise their profile. What next? Rik Waller taking up residence in the new series of Skins for the launch of his new book, "1001 Uses For Lard"? Watch this space.

Darius reaches a new stage

2008-02-01T05:02:00.000-08:00

Many many years ago, when Celebritish were little more than children, a man called Darius Danesh entered a TV talent show. In fact, he entered two so he could fight the injustice of not winning the first one. What an ego, what a guy!

Anyway, Celebritish remember many a conversation at the time running something like this:

Celebritish: Darius has total charisma, he's going to be huge.
Various Friends: Haha, no he's not he's a total idiot and an embarrassment to humanity.

To be fair, both viewpoints are correct in their way, but we've just read
this and we'd like to say a big 'I told you so' to the haters!

We'd also like to start a campaign to make Darius the next James Bond. He's perfect for the role, and would beat Gritty Craig into a cocked hat (which we'd like to see, incidentally).

Graham Norton - relaxation guru

2008-01-31T23:36:00.000-08:00

Celebritish does find it a little amusing that Graham Norton is the celebrity face of the Samaritans' Stress Down Day.

Yes Graham Norton, he of the screechy voice, audience member embarrassment and constant innuendo. Watching his shows is surely one of the least relaxing activities there is. This man has worn suits that have made us consider suicide...

No offence Graham, we love you really! But you wouldn't be our first choice as a yoga partner.

Lloyd-Webber on Hollyoaks - the verdict!

2008-01-29T03:08:00.000-08:00

We're shameless enough to admit that we actually saw this last night - strictly for research purposes, you understand.

Andy L-W was pursued around London by desperate wannabe Summer, and coldheartedly rejected her mediocre attempt at auditioning on the street because she was obviously a loon.

It really was one of the most embarrassing, rubbish, television moments we've observed in recent times, and we'd like to advise Webber to stay away from the screen in future and stick to the stage — and even that in a strictly behind-the-scenes capacity, thanks very much.

This sorry debacle led us to ponder further on celebrity cameos in soaps, and why they're ALWAYS shit. Seriously, it's one of life's great mysteries! We are, obviously, not referring to the Pet Shop Boys appearing in Neighbours — that legendary moment was the exception that proves the rule.

UPDATE: Oh ok, we've just read this — and must admit its rather a clever idea on Lloyd-Weber's part. She REALLY didn't seem particularly good in those scenes though, but maybe it's impossible not to take on an air of talentlessness when appearing on Hollyoaks.

Cat-astrophe

2008-01-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

Seems we missed the biggest news from the SAG awards in our report yesterday, as became clear when we came across this headline this morning: Beckinsale cat goes up in flames.

Now THAT'S a headline - it's virtually impossible not to read on, n'est pas?

The lovely Kate Beckinsale's lovely (we assume) cat, Clive, apparently set fire to himself on a candle just as she was heading out to the awards ceremony. It's alright though, he didn't actually 'go up in flames' (damn you, overdramatic headline!), and he's now fine, with 'no idea what happened to him'.

Phew!

SAG gives Brit talent an uplift

2008-01-28T02:36:00.000-08:00

Nice to see us Brits scooping the two main acting prizes at the Screen Actors Guild awards. Daniel Day-Lewis got the prize for his sensitive portrayal of a woman facing senile dementia in Away From Her, while Julie Christie triumphed as a ruthless oil baron in There Will Be Blood. Or was that the other way round? We forget.

Anyway, favourite award speech of the evening was from amazing actor, lust object and all-round God of everything Javier Bardem (you could say we're fans), who won best supporting actor for his role in the stonking Coen Brothers flick No Country For Old Men. He said: "Thank you for choosing the good takes instead of the ones where I really sucked."

We can't see Day-Lewis ever speaking with such humility... still, he did dedicate his prize to Heath Ledger, which is nice we suppose, if a little bandwagon-jumping seeing as he didn't know him and had never worked with him...

Oh, the tedium

2008-01-28T02:26:00.000-08:00

Wow, London has veritably confirmed it's status as a cutting edge interrnational music capital with the unveiling of the lineup for the Hard Rock Calling festival in Hyde Park this summer:

The Police, Eric Clapton, KT Tunstall and Starsailor.

Woo.

Obviously all these people sell a lot of records (with the possible exception of Starsailor?), but could this lineup be any more MOR?

Still, Celebritish doesn't give two hoots as we're buggering off to Benicassim - far preferable to standing around in a park, possibly in the rain, and probably surrounded by a bunch of middle-aged saddoes playing air guitar.

Ashley's bra-vellous in bed

2008-01-28T01:37:00.000-08:00

Another day, another seedy shag revelation about that dirty dawg Ashley Cole.

This time, the 'stunning blonde' in question is Brooke Healy, who claims she pulled the football player after a night at Funky Buddha.

Again, some of the quotes are comedy gold, notably:

"He took my bra off. It was so hot."

Um, bra taking-off is really quite a standard manouevre leading up to the act of lurve Brooke, but hey, good on you, a pessimist is never disappointed eh? And then:

"I told him not to pull my hair because I had hair extensions in."

This is quite possibly be the chavviest, skankiest sex quote we've ever heard.

As Celebritish pointed out on Friday, Cheryl is hot and could do far better. We're sure there are plenty of men out there who would happily put up with the gentle whistling of the breeze blowing through the empty space between her ears.

Halliwell 4 Walliams

2008-01-25T05:37:00.001-08:00

New couple alert! David Walliams has worked his smarmy charm on Geri Halliwell and apparently they've been dating for a few weeks. Their friend told a shitty tabloid:

“They have been secretly dating since the New Year and nobody knows. They are very tactile with each other and he’s such a gent. Geri just can’t stop smiling.”

We're not sure if Geri's permanent smile is down to excess botox or happiness but still they'd make a lovely couple.

Thankfully their 'friend' who was sworn to secrecy was on call to tell us how Geri and David will react when they find out their little secret is out:

“They will be gutted when news of their relationship leaks as until now they’ve been able to carry on without anyone knowing.”

What kind of a friend are you? "Ooh, I love it when my friends are gutted! I can't wait to see their faces when they realise one of their closest mates has invited the World's media to piss on the tentative early flames of love"

Anyway, we give it 3 weeks.

Ashley Cole is love sick

2008-01-25T04:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone will have read the story about Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl by now so we won't bother explaining it but we did like this bit:

“Ashley is wild. He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good."

Apart from the "pretty good" suggesting he left something to be desired we'd say that's a 3 star review so then we're a little surprised to hear:

"We started having sex but then he was sick all over the cream carpet."

Jesus Christ, this girl is easily pleased. If he "knew exactly what he was doing" why on earth would he make the rather odd decision to vomit as they did the business? Is this what young people are doing these days? We despair!

More to the point, can't Cheryl do better than Ashley? First it was alleged mobile phones up alleged bums, now it's allegedly being sick whilst allegedly cheating on her. Cheryl if you're reading this, one half of Celebritish would be more than happy to make a substitution.

Update: In a Celebritish exclusive: we've found the video! (it's a bit nsfw)

Wino in rehab - again

2008-01-25T04:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, she might say no no no, but Amy's family and record company have said yes yes yes, and she's off to rehab for the fourth time .

Her father Mitch wants her sectioned apparently - come now Mitch, the Zutons cover wasn't THAT bad!

He said: "She thinks she can do what she does and get on with her life". Well, yeah, she's right there really isn't she - just depends how long she wants that life to be...

Double NOOOO!!!

2008-01-25T04:34:00.001-08:00

Today just gets worse and worse. First the terrible UB40 news and now we discover Jeremy Beadle is in intensive care.

Much as we despise the man - and christ, he made enough people suffer with his TV shows - we wouldn't wish life-threatening pneumonia on anyone and in a very rare show of Celebritish good will, we would like to send Beadle our best wishes for a speedy recovery. Then we can get back to the important work of mocking his funny little hand.

NOOOOO!

2008-01-25T02:40:00.000-08:00

Well, we thought our week had hit the ultimate low with the sad demise of Heath Ledger. But, no, today some news has emerged that sees us sitting in front of our screens barely able to conceal our sobbing from concerned colleagues.

Yes, Friday 25th January 2008 will go down in history as the day Ali Campbell announced he was quitting UB40.

We're trying to be strong, but really, this has rocked British music to the core hasn't it? What's that, no it hasn't? Ah, sorry, our mistake. And that of most of the papers and news sites today, who seem to be reporting the break-up of a band who were past their mediocre best 20 or so years ago as if it's some sort of major event.

Quantum Of Whatnow?

2008-01-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

Celebritish is unsurprised by the new Bond film title — in that it's pretentious and meaningless, just like the Bond franchise has been since Daniel Craig got on board.

What really bugged us about the last film, Casino Royale, was that it was hailed by many critics as some sort of masterpiece which brought a new depth to 007. Well, then we went to see it, and guess what, it was all about guns, gadgets, chases and sexy girls. Which is fine, but at least have the good grace to admit it rather than pretending it's somehow deeper and more meaningful than the ones with Connery, Moore et al.

The only real difference is that the previous Bonds have actually been attractive — we know they were going for 'gritty', but choosing a lead man who looks like his face has had a run-in with a road gritter is surely a bridge too far!

Mourning has broken

2008-01-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

Now we've got over the untimely death of Mr Ledger we're back to mock the z-listers. Hurrah!

We know what you're thinking: what on earth is Brian May doing employing Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen as his stylist?

But take a closer look and you will see the twat dressed as a twat is in fact Michael Portillo dressed as Charles II to promote the Chelsea Festival.

It's hard to believe that this man opposed homosexuals joining the armed forces isn't it?

We actually quite like Michael, if only for his rampant flirting with Diane Abbot on 'This Week', but there is something very wrong with people in politics trying to be funny. Was nothing learned from Blair's cameo on Catherine Tate?

Who says politics can't be fun? Well, everyone, and they'd be right.

Sob

2008-01-23T03:34:00.000-08:00

Celebritish are a bit too sad about Heath Ledger's untimely death today to be our usual scurrilous selves. Yes, he's not a Brit so technically he's not in our remit, but he's an Aussie, and therefore from a race the Americans often mistake for Brits, which is almost the same thing. And anyway, news of this magnitude deserves a mention. RIP Heath.

Meanwhile, Winehouse smirks at having avoided the grim reaper's icy blade once again. Sometimes, we think having your obit ready and waiting at all the major newspapers offers some kind of divine protection. That would explain the continued existence of Shane MacGowan and Shaun Ryder to name but two.

Shock! Horror!

2008-01-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

Readers, it is with great discomfort that we reveal to you the fact that promotional shots of Kelly Osbourne in Chicago were photoshopped.

We know, we couldn't believe it either, she's always so photogenic that we had no idea technological hocus-pocus would ever be used on her.

Honest as ever, Kelly reveals:

“They airbrushed my chin, because I had a little bit of a double chin"

Well that's a relief, we sometimes suffer from "a little bit of a double chin" so we can sympathise with her but wait, there's more:

"under my arm - because my corset was pulled in so tight I got a fanny pit"

My god, in this twisted quest for perfection will celebrities not stop at nothing? Wearing a corset so tight it forces your private parts under your arm is just wrong. I hope you're happy Dita Von Teese...

Oh, it seems we were wrong, it's just "in the picture it looked like a vagina!” Thank goodness for that, anyway we thought all she talked about these days was losing weight? Here we go:

"Today, the media looks down more on someone who’s overweight than someone who’s a junkie. For f**k’s sake, they glorify Pete Doherty!”

Eh? The only person who glorifies Pete Doherty is Pete Doherty, everyone else thinks he's a pathetic waste of oxygen. Anyway, there are more important things to discuss, like Kelly's dress size:

“Even when I was bigger, I still don’t consider myself to have been fat. Being a size 12 is not fat. Just because I’m a size 8-10 now doesn’t mean that a size 12 was fat.”

Did you hear that you fattist bastards? She's size 8 now and don't you forget it! So you'll have to stop taking the piss out of her. But we thought the point was that being fat was nothing to be ashamed of anyway? How very confusing.

Martin McCutcheon: She's not bitter

2008-01-22T06:10:00.000-08:00

Another lazy, long weekend for Celebritish (we wish) but we're back now with all the freshest celebrity guff.

Martine McCutcheon has revealed she only left Los Angeles because it was "brutal".

Nope, it's nothing to do with the fact work dried up after her one commission – a never to be broadcast TV show – it's down to the US movie industry and Martine has an axe to grind (well, a girls gotta work):

"Once you do three movies, you’re over.”

Hmm well if you consider Love Actually is probably only about a tenth American this means she managed 0.333% of her allotted time in the limelight. It must be a record!

"Even Cameron Diaz is old hat now."

Yes, Cameron probably isn't getting as much work as she once was but two Hollywood blockbusters a year is arguably better than a 10th of one in your entire career. We'd go for Cameron's old hat over Martine's Echo Beach every time.

On the day "Norbit" gets nominated for an Oscar (admittedly it's for best makeup but still...) perhaps Hollywood does deserve some scorn but we're sure there must be someone with a better CV to do the job? Where's Holly Valance when you need her?

Sienna shy about nudity for once

2008-01-18T03:17:00.000-08:00

Mixed feelings about this one - Sienna Miller has won a privacy case against a photographer who took nude pics of her without her consent.

Fair play - although Sienna is one of those actresses who will only keep her clothes on if the role really demands it, that's her public life, and her private life is a different matter, right?

But it turns out the snapper took these photos while she was filming a scene for Hippie Hippie Shake. Yes, he shouldn't have been taking pictures on a closed film set, but if she was being filmed in the nuddy for a soon-to-be widely distributed movie, can he really be accused of breaching her privacy? We suspect this case is more to do with publicity for a second rate Brit flick than with Sienna's "extreme distress".

And come on, Si-Si, "extreme distress" is surely an emotion one should reserve for occasions that really merit it. Being trapped in a lift with June Sarpong, for example, or propositioned by Rik Waller — to name but two events that have occurred in what has been an action-packed week for Celebritish. What lives we lead!

Kate goes at it for 34 hours straight

2008-01-18T02:37:00.000-08:00

We suppose we can't ignore Kate Moss's birthday bender — or stifle our giggles at the fact she didn't make it the intended 34 hours, instead crashing after a mere 18. Amateur!

We must admit we're quite jealous of the party-an-hour-for-each-year-of-your-life idea, and wish we'd had it first. What's more, if we did it we would resist the temptation to dress up as the lovechild of Simon and the Witch and Noddy Holder. This is one Moss look we can not see catching on.

Pete Doherty: My chafed nipple hell

2008-01-17T05:41:00.000-08:00

The Daily Star really do come up with some nonsense but a story this morning tickled us.

Pete Doherty has taken to wearing his girlfriend's bras out on the town.

Okay, so it might be while he's jogging to train for the Marathon which he intends to run with his new bird. And yes, he is wearing the bra due to the sensitive nature of his nips, but still, its a funny story. While most rockers get groupies to chew on their pierced nipples as they perform vile sex acts, Pete has to wear a bra to protect them when he goes jogging. Bless!

A thought, sore nipples are quite common during pregancy? Perhaps Pete is jumping on the celeb bandwagon and has got himself up the duff!

Robbie will light up China

2008-01-17T04:27:00.000-08:00

This story will warm your cockles on a cold, miserable day:

Leftover copies of Robbie's Rudebox album will be recycled as street lamps and tarmac in China.

After the ill-deserved adulation he's received over the years we're pleased to see his albums subjected to all the things we've ever dreamt of: being melted down, then smeared in dog shit, stamped on, and having chewing gum trodden into them.

You can imagine Robbie reading this as he downs his 36th espresso of the day and quietly weeps.

The best thing is that this story actually comes from his own record label - they must be really pissed off about his supposed strike action (laziness).

Michael paid for his memories

2008-01-17T02:12:00.000-08:00

Dope-smoking, rough trade-enjoying, rarely-conscious singer George Michael is being paid silly money by publisher HarperCollins to write his memoirs.

George will apparently pen the work himself rather than using a ghost writer, and this idea strikes less dread into our souls than usual — anyone talented enough to write Careless Whisper on a bus at an age when most of us were just writing embarrassingly bad poetry should be able to come up with something entertaining at the very least.

Question is - what new tidbit of scandal are the marketing people going to sell the "no-holds-barred" autobiography on? George is admirably open about his private life anyway, so unless he's hiding something up his sleeve that beats drug addiction and cottaging we're not interested.

What she really, really wants

2008-01-16T22:50:00.000-08:00

Celebritish today received a press release headed thus:

Lianne Morgan (Original Spice Girl) Seeks Band.

Yes, some poor bint actually has these words trailing after her name, like the deformed, retarded cousin of pHd or MPhil. Very sad.

Still, Lianne is back on the road and looking for a band, a band with the following qualities no less:
"can sing backing vocals like Aretha Franklin, play lead guitar like Joe Satrini, piano like Burt Bacharach, base guitar like the funky soul madina, and a drummer with class and slick style."

We'll ignore the three glaring misspellings of names and instruments, but we do like the way that they run out of famous musos to mention toward the end - clearly naming a famous drummer is a bridge too far for Lianne.

Still a bit of advice for anyone who might be thinking of auditioning: if you really can sing like Aretha or play like Satrini (sic) or Bacharach, you might like to think about aiming a bit higher than hooking up with a woman who was replaced by Mel C.

OK! Magazine New Year Party

2008-01-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

After a prolonged quiet period, London truly kicked off 2008 in style last night at the OK! Magazine New Year Party.

The tension had been building for the past week: "how can they top the OK! Christmas party which featured ex-Big Brother stars and the like?". But Richard Desmond knew what to do - pull out the big guns! (erm, and some ex-Big Brother stars)

Remarkably, pop-siblings Same Difference managed to tear themselves apart long enough to stumble up the red carpet looking like embarassed foxes caught mid-coitus.

Next up was glamour model Alicia Douvall who looked like Popeye chewing on a wasp but didn't let that detract from her beautiful gold dress. Who said gold was last season?

Another star of X-Factor arrived next, Niki Evans (the one who could sing but stood no chance of winning because the public like to vote for cunts). She obviously isn't spending any of her new found fortune on clothes, it looks like she borrowed them from Michelle McManus.

Nikki Grahame waltzed up the red carpet next, clearly thrilled at the propect of free canapes. She likes her food that Grahame.

The best was saved til last as Samanda arrived, resplendant in haute couture dresses. The girls have propelled themselves from z-list to y-list over the last 6 months and for that we salute them.

David Beckham's 25 foot penis

2008-01-16T05:01:00.000-08:00

As far as we can remember, David Beckham doesn't go on and on about Victoria's curious looking body, but this doesn't stop her salivating every time she sees his naked flesh.

“I’m proud to see his penis 25 foot tall. It’s great. It’s huge. It’s enormous. Massive.”

She hasn't lost her mind, she's referring to the pictures of a semi-naked Becks adorning billboards around the world for Emporio Armani. Much has been written about how impressive his package looks in the ad, but if you take perspective and padding out of the equation I think many women would be left sorely disappointed. Or rather, not sorely disappointed. Anyway, what was she saying?

“If I looked like that I’d walk down the street in my panties too.”

Woah, woah, woah! If Victoria Beckham had been born with an average-sized penis, she would walk around in her panties?! That's a mental image thats going to live with us forever.

While we're on the subject of Posh, Jack Nicholson has been singing her praises after she styled him for a recent photoshoot.

“I love Poshter, she’s lovely.”

Who?

“Posho!..."

Who?! We love it when people pretend to be friends by making up shitty nicknames for each other. Eh, Jackster?

"I loved working with her. She was charming, dressed me up nice. She’s a lovely gal. I’d work with her anytime."

Yeah, managing to make a pretty cool older man look like an idiot is really quite difficult, and for that we take our hat off to her.

Cerys hits the bottle... again

2008-01-16T03:17:00.000-08:00

The Daily Star reports that ex-singer Cerys Matthews and her lover-rat Marc Bannerman have been boozing it up somewhat excessively of late.

Celebritish are slightly worried that we don't see "three glasses of wine and two pints of ale" as particularly excessive - a bad hangover combo, undoubtedly, but we're hardly talking rock 'n' roll debauchery here are we? There weren't even any spirits involved for God's sake, and everyone knows that soft alcohol, like soft drugs, don't really count.

On the same topic, London Lite informs us that Cerys, in her Catatonia days, was "as notorious as Amy Winehouse for collapsing drunkenly on stage and disappearing on drug and booze benders". Um, we're old enough to remember those days and no she wasn't. In fact we even went to see Catatonia a couple of times and, while we saw Cerys swig from a wine bottle now and then, we don't ever remember her threatening to set her husband on us or snorting gak out of her hair. Ah, innocent days...

Keira adamantly refuses to slip her finger into Rupert's ring

2008-01-14T07:20:00.000-08:00

Keira - seemingly on a mission to make Celebritish hunt her down and kill her - has caused offence yet again, this time to her longterm boyfriend Rupert Friend.

He gave her an antique ring to signify their love, but she refused to wear it, instead opting for bling that had been sent by Chanel.

We've yet to hear a story about Knightley which doesn't make us want to stab her with pins, but while we wait we've decided to take up a hobby. At the moment we're making the foundations for our life sized Taj Mahal built out of matchsticks.

Go Chris Fountain

2008-01-14T03:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, after slagging it off in no uncertain terms quite recently, one of Celebritish was a tad "under the weather" (read: hungover) last night and ended up actually watching Dancing On Ice. And very good it was too!

Fantasy borderline paedo-shag Chris Fountain certainly didn't disappoint on any account: firstly, he's no longer making the nation's women feel like perverts as he's now officially a grown-up, and secondly he can skate like a dream. We initially had doubts about a skating routine to the Arctic Monkeys I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - but it turned out that Chris definitely looked good on the ice rink! (really, you have no idea the sweat and tears that goes into writing this stuff).

We did get the sneaky feeling that he might be a bit of a tosser, but in terms of talent and charisma he deserves to walk it.

At the other end of the scale, Aggie McKenzie was a devastating embarrassment - we were caught between looking away from the humiliating sight and turning back to point and laugh. Surprisingly good legs for a more mature laydee though, so we suppose that's some consolation for her.

Barlow does a Lloyd-Webber

2008-01-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

It's been busy, busy, busy this week for Celebritish. First Amelle from the Sugababes smashed up our car, then we went out dancing to Britney songs with Kate Middleton.

Don't worry though, we're back now and we have exciting news about everyone's favourite... erm everyone's favourite Gary Barlow - that's right, Gary Barlow!

He's been signed up to write songs for ITV1's upcoming drama Britannia High. This show sounds extremely exciting:

"It's unlike anything else on British TV."

Ooh, do tell!

"It will feature a group of talented young performers who sing, dance and act in a fictional performing arts school."

Ahem, I suppose technically that's true: after all "Fame" was taken off the air in 1987 and High School Musical is set in a normal school but it's hardly revolutionary is it?

We don't know why Gary is lowering himself to this, it's got "shit" written all over it. Has he not learned from the Marks & Spencers ad campaign? Don't take every job thats offered to you Gary, you'll end up like Danielle Lloyd.

We can't wait for tomorrow when the embargo is lifted on "Barlow's Marlow: The definitive guide to Buckinghamshire's finest town".

We love Matt Willis

2008-01-09T06:35:00.000-08:00

Matt Willis, as an all round nice bloke and a bit of a hottie, has the full Celebritish seal of approval. We reserve the right to ignore his crimes against music.

And a story in this afternoon's London Lite makes us like him even more. Apparently he was out on the razz last night with girlfriend Emma Griffiths and a couple of mates. He informed the paps that they were 'pretending to be the Primrose Hill set', and set about snogging his mate's girlfriend! Then he and Emma moved in on the photographers, attempting to give them a bit of a snog and fumble too.

Okay, so they're both Z-list, but these days even Z-listers take themselves too seriously and it's nice to hear of a couple who don't.

Of course another way of looking at it is that Matt is resorting to increasingly desperate measures to get his photo taken by the increasingly uninterested snappers. What next — flashing? Matt, we dare you...

Hallelujah!

2008-01-09T04:15:00.000-08:00

After the last two rather depressing stories, we bring you wonderful news! News so wonderful we had to kick ourselves in the head to see if we were dreaming!

Robbie Williams says he may give up touring. And not just that, he says he might not even release an album this year. Whoop-di-do!

“There might not be a proper album out this year and there definitely won’t be a tour any time soon. F*** that, the last one nearly killed me."

He thought performing was bad? Imagine how it was for the poor bastards who travelled miles to manky arenas to get charged a tenner for a pint of piss and watch a bloated, smug twat go through the motions.

“I do have to say, the more time I’m spending away from public life, the more I like it."

We're not sure how he is away from public life (does he live on a desert island?), but what a coincidence - the longer he's away, the more we like it too.

Scratching around for evidence

2008-01-09T03:19:00.000-08:00

Another grim story, but the celebrity news of the day seems to be of a darker hue than normal. Anyway, kids' TV presenter Mark Speight has been let off the hook after being held on suspicion of murdering his fiancee, who was found dead in the bath last week.

It did seem deeply unlikely that he had anything to do with the tragic event, which sounds far more like an awful accident. But we suspect the police might have been influenced by his terrifyingly sinister performance in children's show of yore Scratchy and Co. Man, that guy gave us nightmares.

Speaking of more things proving untrue, the McCanns have categorically denied the film story we commented on yesterday. The brown bread plans, however, they maintain a studious silence about.

Bill of wrongs

2008-01-09T02:41:00.000-08:00

Sad news from the set of The Bill, where actor Jeff Stewart has apparently slashed his wrists.

Horrible stuff, but proof that what goes on behind the scenes there is clearly more dramatic and compelling than the nonsense they spew out of our telly boxes.

The Beeb are saying that a refusal to renew his contract was the reason behind the self harm. Jeff, mate, chin up for God's sake, it's The Bill, not Life On Mars or something. Even Celebritish have appeared on The Bill and we can confirm it's not an experience to write home about, or indeed to slash your wrists over.

Jack Tweed makes his mother proud

2008-01-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

Heartening news from Jade Goody's camp today!

Not content with with his famously on/off relationship with the devil (Jade), Jack Tweed has decided to make a name for himself by beating up children with golf clubs in a school car parks.

To be fair the 'child' in question was 16 and had probably been shouting abuse at Jack but we're more than happy to add this to Tweed's ever increasing catalogue of shame.

It's stories like this that make Celebritish happy that we do an English blog. In America it's all guns and hos but over here we're all just trying to make an honest living and beat up children with sporting paraphernalia.

Jack was bailed until next month.

Christ on a bike

2008-01-08T03:04:00.000-08:00

As the most recognisable faces in Britain if not the world and, who knows, the universe, the McCanns are fair Celebritish game. And this, frankly, disgusts us.

We're not among the idiots who think they 'did it' (come on, people, how would that be possible?), but we are among the intelligent majority who think they're a right pair of weirdos, and making money from turning the disappearance of their daughter into a film (along the lines of Finding Nemo, perhaps?) isn't going to do their reputation any favours.

It's a cruel world

2008-01-08T02:11:00.000-08:00

Celebritish have just returned from walking the streets aimlessly in the freezing cold rain. We don't quite know what to do with ourselves.

Usually we take celebrity news with a pinch of salt but this morning we were viciously kicked in the bollocks by the tragic news that Kerry Katona has been dropped by Iceland.

We're trying to hold it together but the urge to send malicious missives to the Iceland HQ is getting the better of us. How could they do this to someone so kind, so virtuous.

Much as we love their prawn rings, we're calling on all readers to boycott Iceland until they agree to take Kerry back.

And if you're reading this "OK!" magazine, may I suggest you think twice before removing Kerry's insightful essays from the pages of your magazine.

Someone as thoughtful as Kerry needs an outlet for her musings as this nugget from last week proves:

"Things really do seem to be going from bad to worse for Amy Winehouse. She needs to check into rehab. I know she said 'no, no, no' but it needs to be 'yes, yes, yes'!"

Kerry - if the work dries up, rest assured there will always be a job waiting for you at Celebritish Towers.

Dancing on very thin ice

2008-01-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

Forget Big Brother - it's so dire this year that even Celebritish have given up on it - all eyes are on Strictly Come Dancing's slightly lacklustre cousin, Dancing On Ice, which starts on Sunday.

The celebrities were unveiled at the Natural History Museum this morning and it was a veritable smorgasbord of desperate has-beens.

As reported everywhere last week, Gareth Gates is taking part and apparently he's getting paid twice as much as the rest of the 'stars'. We have no idea why, we wouldn't put him above an amoeba, let alone Suzanne Shaw from Hear'say.

Strangely, Tim Vincent is also in the line-up. Last we heard he was doing well as a TV presenter in the US of A but we guess the work dried up. If we have to have him can America take David Gest back please?

Then there was the one-time singer and now lingerie model Samantha Mumba. She's got a bit of a head start having gone to stage school for 12 years (no doubt this small point will be ignored on the show) but Alesha Dixon's dance school experience didn't seem to lose her any votes on Strictly.

Also taking part are neurotic clean-freak Aggie McKenzie and every woman's dream-borderline-paedo-shag Chris Fountain from Hollyoaks.

There seem to be some other people in the picture but I haven't the foggiest who they are and quite frankly I don't care. All I do know is that it's always funny when celebrities follow their waning stars and end up falling on their freezing cold arses.

Shocker! Celebritish expresses admiration

2008-01-07T02:42:00.000-08:00

A once-great man once said: "It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind". Well, yes, Morrissey, that's all very well, but we're not going to stop laughing or hating any time soon when there's so much out there in dire need of mockery. However, we are all for giving credit where credit's due.

And today, we salute Jamie Oliver, who has made the brave (some might say foolhardy) move of laying into the company who pay him £1.2m a year to advertise their products. Yes, he has given some serious verbal to Sainsbury's after they failed to send a representative to take part in a debate on factory farming for his upcoming show, Jamie's Fowl Dinners.

It's an important issue, and we really admire Jamie's guts in standing up to the company who pay him so handsomely for his endorsement when many other celebs would no doubt have put their pay packet before their morals.

Not sure why the Mirror have used what appears to be a picture of Jamie's Madame Tussauds waxwork to accompany the piece though: that's some scary shit right there!

Clarkson in rare 'idiocy' moment

2008-01-07T02:20:00.000-08:00

Here at Celebritish, we have a soft spot for Jeremy Clarkson that might surprise some people. We don't agree with all his views, mind, but we're suckers for outspoken, witty people and Clarkson doesn't disappoint on that count. Dammit, we've even been known to enjoy the odd Top Gear episode, despite the fact neither of us can drive a car. But today we have to say: Clarkson, you IDIOT.

See, Clarkson thought it would be clever to publish his bank details and 'prove' that fraudsters can't take your cash this way, hence proving the Government's lost discs fiasco a storm in a teacup. The problem is, of course, that, as any fule knows, they can, and Clarkson found this out to the tune of £500 disappearing from his account.

Fair play to the guy for fessing up though — if we'd pulled a silly prank and been caught out we would have kept it quiet to save face, frankly.

Gareth Gates To Wed Mole

2008-01-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

You can always trust a slow news week to drag sub-Z-listers out from behind the counter in Subway and into the newspapers.

Gareth Gates just happened to pick the end of a quiet week to announce he is to wed his girlfriend Suzanne Mole.

"After a great Christmas, I proposed to Suzanne on New Year's Eve and she said yes. We are both extremely happy and look forward to planning our wedding and life together."

We seem to remember a similar announcement a few years ago when the World actually cared but who are we piss on his parade. Congratulations Gareth, finally you've beaten Will Young at something - marrying a lady.

Matt's got the Horne

2008-01-04T05:26:00.000-08:00

Celebritish spent last night drinking peppermint tea and watching Never Mind The Buzzcocks — yes, rock 'n' roll to the core.

Still, we're glad we did, as the show gave us an interesting introduction to Brit comic actor Matthew Horne. Yes, you'll know his face if you've ever had the good fortune to watch Gavin and Stacey or the misfortune to watch Catherine Tate, but what you might not know is that little Matt, who to our eyes resembles the bastard offspring of Joaquin Phoenix and Matt Willis from Busted (but is less devastatingly attractive than that might sound), is a raging Lothario.

He spent most of the show making embarrassingly inept attempts to pull team mate Kate Nash, after apparently asking Simon Amstell to help him in this department by playing up the "flirtation" between them. However, when she knocked back his lewd advances by saying her auntie and cousins were in the audience, he said he'd "have them instead"! What a gentleman. It also emerged that he'd tried, again without success, to pull Kylie Minogue by writing her a thankyou card.

So a 100 per cent failure rate with the laydeez so far then, but his career is clearly on the up and we all know how fame is one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs. He'll be the new David Walliams in no time, you mark our words...

Puh-lease

2008-01-04T04:42:00.000-08:00

Seems Celebritish is laying into the Spices somewhat today, but we think that Old Spice Geri Halliwell might be playing fast and loose with the truth after she claimed that the girls won't make a profit from their reunion tour. To borrow an expression from Wayne's World: shyuh!

Apparently the reunion "isn't a money-making expedition — it's about party and celebration."

When Celebritish want to party and celebrate, we tend to do so with people we like, or at least can stand being in the same room with. Anyone who's had the misfortune to witness the girls' lame attempts to disguise their mutual loathing in recent TV interviews will be able to confirm the tone is anything but celebratory... it's quite obvious what they really, really want, and it's made of paper and has the queen's face on it.

Spice Girl sex guru

2008-01-04T03:16:00.000-08:00

It seems as soon as you get over the indulgences of Christmas something else comes along to make you feel thoroughly sick.

Victoria Beckham has revealed she and the rest of the Spice Girls know where to go for sex advice. And where might that be?

“If we have sex problems, we go to Mel B - she is like the doctor.”

Ugh! The Spice Girls are so desperate for headlines they'll say virtually anything these days, but we do wonder what these problems might be?

Victoria: "Mel, I've got a problem. I've starved myself and had so much plastic surgery that my husband now finds me repulsive. Help me!"

Geri: "Yeah I've got a problem too, I'm such a neurotic bitch that I drive away any man who comes near me. What shall I do?"

Mel C: "And I'm not even sure who I want to shag. Apparently I used to be a lesbian but God knows what I am now?"

Poor Mel B, she's probably got enough going on with the Eddie Murphy court case without worrying about the sex-lives of the sad old desperadoes she works with.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T03:58:00.000-08:00

We sincerely apologise for our lack of posts over the past couple of weeks. We'd like to say we've been partying with the stars but what really happened was much, much worse.

Picture the scene: It's Christmas Eve at Celebritish Towers and we've just finished decorating the tree. We're drinking mulled wine and waiting for the orphans to arrive to pick up their presents when all of a sudden the lights cut out! We start to panic as we hear massive, booming footsteps slowly coming up the stairs. The door opens and we catch a glimpse of something truly terrifying. Is it a monster? Is it an angry elephant? It's too dark to tell. As it shuffled along the floor towards us, we let out a pathetic scream...

Some time later we wake up in a kitchen Gordon Ramsay would be proud of were it not for the half-eaten pigs littering the floor and putrid stench of mouldy Chicken Tonight. As we try to untie ourselves from the cooker we feel a presence in the corner. "CHIIIIISSSSSTMASSSS DIN DIIIIINNNNNNNS!!!!!" it says. Thats right, we'd been kidnapped by Rik Waller. Again.

Thankfully, this time he was full of festive cheer and once we'd cooked him 53 turkeys and defrosted a few of Kerry's prawn rings he gave us an exclusive listen to his remarkable new album and let us go on our merry way.

Now we're finally back, there don't seem to be any celebrity stories worth taking the piss out of but we'll do our best!

The Celebritish Team

James Blunt's racist overtones

2008-01-03T03:44:00.000-08:00

James Blunt, full-time ladykiller and part-time tune-killer, is the subject of Metro's 60 Seconds With today, and he comes across as perhaps, ahem, a touch lacking in cultural sensitivity.

When asked what is the weirdest instrument he's played (presumably answering "my freakily unpleasant vocal cords" was not allowed), he answers:

"I've played a weird, stringed turtle thing. It was in a dodgy foreign country."

A "dodgy foreign country", eh? James, it's the 21st century! We don't say things like that any more!

Also kind of gives the impression he can't even remember what country he was in doesn't it? But wherever it was, we bet the musician is regretting lending his instrument to some "dodgy foreign singer" who makes weird sounds that surely can't be construed as "music" by any discerning culture?

Kevin Greening RIP

2008-01-03T03:14:00.000-08:00

Sad news yesterday about the death of former Radio 1 Deejay Kevin Greening at the very young age of 44.

Details have emerged today that his death came after ('scuse tabloid-speak) a "marathon sex and drugs orgy". Well, if you've gotta go...

We'll concede that Greening couldn't really be regarded as a celebrity (we doubt whether anyone under the gracefully undisclosed ages of Celebritish will know who he is), but there's no doubt he was influential and well regarded in the world of music radio and that he therefore merits a mention.

Today's reports do however call into question his agent's original account of things. Is is possible to do anything "peacefully in your sleep" after a night of gak and bondage?

Phantom of the soap opera

2007-12-21T03:37:00.000-08:00

Hollyoaks is really pulling out all the stops with the cameo appearances recently.

First we got Goldie Lookin' Chain and Brian Belo (winner of Big Brother in case you've forgotten), then they upped their game by announcing everyone's favourite hysterically-voiced monster-of-camp, Mika, will be appearing imminently.

Now we've just read that pretend-burns-victim Andrew Lloyd Webber has signed up to star as himself in the soap everyone pretends they don't watch. He'll be stalked by a young lady who wants to be cast in one of his god-awful musicals.

If the producers of Hollyoaks continue the downward trend we can look forward to the return of Paul "motherfuckahs" Danan by the end of next year. Yay!

Keira is seriously annoying

2007-12-21T01:43:00.000-08:00

Keira Knightley has revealed she's terrified of taking on comedy roles (strange, we thought her acting was a joke in Love Actually).

In a new interview she says something about being into "darker things at the moment" (whatever that means) but it's probably because when she finds something funny, she turns from a rather striking looking lady:

into some kind of terrifying laughy monster:

She goes on and on in her inimitable style, trying to be self-deprecating but actually coming across as an annoying miserable bitch:
"I think I am quite frightened of comedy. It’s never something that I’ve watched a lot. Getting involved in a Will Ferrell comedy would terrify me."

After plenty more moaning she finally has an epiphany:
“I’m not really interested in trying to look at myself in a film."

You and the rest of us Keira, maybe just stop making films and everyone will be happy.

Can't stop this thing she started

2007-12-21T01:14:00.000-08:00

Could this man be the saviour of pop music? Probably not.

But god bless him, not content with supplying Magic FM with songs over the last 20 years, now Bryan Adams is offering to look after Amy Winehouse for Christmas.

The man who presumably won't be reprising his 2000 classic 'Don't Give Up' in her presence, has said he'd happily take her in at his home in Mustique to help clean her up and get her away from the glare of the media. Yes, its the paparazzi that are killing her apparently, not the copious amounts of drugs.

It'll be less a case of 'Baby When You're Gone' and more 'baby when are you not gone?' if she decides to take up the ageing rocker on his offer and head over to the exclusive island for a slap up meal and the obligatory Only Fools And Horses re-run.

We can't work out why Bryan thinks he can succeed where rehab has failed several times, but in the season of good will we'd like to wish him luck!

THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

2007-12-20T03:13:00.000-08:00

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?

a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.

For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

A night before Christmas

2007-12-20T02:20:00.000-08:00

As we move towards Christmas, like everyone else we begin to wonder; "When will another '28 Days Later' rip-off be released?"

Well our prayers were answered last night by Will Smith and some of his A-list friends at the London premiere of "I Am Legend".

Fans braved sub-zero temperatures to catch a glimpse of their favourite stars on the red carpet at the Odeon Leicester Square in London, and once Big Willie had warmed up the crowd and made his way inside, the real fun started.

Hope, of X Factor fame, were first to make their way down the carpet. Rumour has it that they were involved in an explosion at Topshop but they couldn't pull out of the event and let down their loyal fans.

Next was everyone's favourite black ex-member of Blue, Simon Webbe! Sporting a fabulous new asymmetrical hair do and thick latex gloves, it was as if he was preparing to battle the god of pop for his deserved place in musical history.

It was well below -30 degrees now but the crowd were holding out as they'd heard some classical singers at the pinnacle of their careers were soon to arrive.

They weren't wrong — next up the carpet was Jon Ansell who used to be in G4. Don't be fooled by the cute face, Jon tore apart G4 after he became addicted crystal meth and decided they needed to take on a new industrial grindcore sound.

Finally, another X Factor hopeful in the form of Alisha. No, not the one who likes happy slapping. No, not the one with the blonde quiff. She was the one who could sing quite well but was chucked out before the Children of the Corn (Same Difference).

This is probably the last celebrity event of the year but we can console ourselves with the knowledge that as we celebrate Christmas with our nearest and dearest, Jodie Marsh will be sitting alone in a cold bedsit wondering what went wrong.

Merry Christmas one and all!

We thought WE were sick...

2007-12-19T05:59:00.000-08:00

We've just come across a really rather nasty website on the interwebs. It's called "When Will Amy Winehouse Die?" and it offers an iPod touch to the person who guesses the date of Wino's demise most accurately.

As we approach Christmas, Celebritish are busy decking the halls with bells and holly and putting figs on the tree, and we can't comprehend why anybody would waste their time on such a pathetic excuse for a website (oh, shut up you lot).

Anyway, we are going to combat this boil on the face of technology with a Celebritish Christmas Quiz. We've written all the questions but are being held back by our absolute inabilty to do anything clever.

If anyone reading this knows anything about how to make quizzes in HTML or any other format please let us know — we will be happy to credit you and might even send a Celebritish goodie-bag (yes thats right, we've been sent some proper shit this year). If not, a very half-hearted Smash Hits-style quiz will appear tomorrow.

And another celeb baby!

2007-12-19T03:57:00.000-08:00

Yes, hot on the heels of Lily Allen, Radio 1 DJ Edith Bowman and Editors frontman Tom Smith have also announced that they are expecting a new "edition" — see what we did there?!?!

The couple assure us: "We are both absolutely delighted".

There's something quite amusing about the concept of Tom Smith, lead miserabilist in the most miserable-sounding band in Britain, being "absolutely delighted", isn't there?

Bono — saving the world through private equity

2007-12-19T03:24:00.000-08:00

It's a rare occurence for Celebritish to read the business news. But when we saw the smug mush of Bono Vox gawping at us out of the business pages of the Evening Standard, we had to investigate further.

And we found out about this. Yes, Bono has entered the world of private equity, a decision he defends with quite possibly the wankiest quote ever (yes, even from him):

"I'ma top-line melody guy. I understand harmony. I understand rhythm. But I sell ideas — musical, political and, in this case, commercial ideas. So many great geniuses ended up with nothing. With broken hearts in rooms with broken windows. I want to see artists sitting at the table that decides the outcome of their lives."

Argh! To do these comments justice we'd have to pick up and berate almost every single word of them, so tell you what, we'll just let Bono dig his own grave. Read it, read it again, try to feel any emotions other than rage and despair.

Lily Allen is preggers

2007-12-19T02:26:00.000-08:00

Celebritish would like to congratulate Lily Allen and Chemical Brother Ed Simons on the happy news that they are expecting a little baby. Aw bless.

We get the feeling that Lily, unlike certain of her celeb counterparts (yes, Kate Moss, we're looking at you), might make a decent fist of motherhood. And, as we can't see her musical career extending beyond the inevitably disappointing second album ("Wasn't the first album disappointing enough?" - The World), she should have plenty of time to devote to it.

He's a scumbag doncha know

2007-12-18T03:21:00.000-08:00

Amy Winehouse's pop Mitch has gone radio rental at Pete Doherty, branding him a "scumbag" and ALLEGEDLY hitting him with a guitar for hanging around his daughter and being a bad influence.

Frankly, we doubt Pete's bad influence potential in this particular instance — compared to Winehouse he looks like a member of Same Difference — and not even the male one.

Still, considering every other Doherty story lately is about him being hit with various objects or fists, perhaps he should be questioning why this seems to happen so frequently and modify his behaviour accordingly. Dickhead.

We like this bit though: Mitch apparently added that Blake, Amy's incarcerated hubby (and one of the few other people who could be branded a higher form of scumbag than Mr Doherty) "has been asking for Amy's help to improve in a number of ways, and that's good to hear." Er, really? Is she the best person to ask for life tips? Perhaps a new career beckons for Amy as a motivational guru. She could present You Are What You Snort, or How To Look Good Wasted. Channel 4 commissioners, we await your call.

Kylie Minogue, style icon (aHEM)

2007-12-17T04:33:00.000-08:00

The X Factor final was, as it is rather often, a travesty of epic proportions. For those who didn't see it, a dead-eyed, charisma-negative teenage simpleton triumphed over a bloke from Wales who might have looked a bit weird but could at least hold a tune, dammit. Really, when you find yourself yearning for the days of Gareth Gates, you know there's trouble at mill.

Aaanyway, we blame Kylie. She was the guest chosen to appear with Leon (for that is the name of the simpleton), while the other two acts got Jason Donovan and Katherine Jenkins. Kylie is clearly the most popular of these three, and it must have helped li'l Leon somewhat.

But more to the point, what the hell was Kylie wearing?!?! She is absolutely gorgeous and we would have thought it would be difficult to make her look bad in anything, but black lace leggings, a corset and nothing else is a 'fashion statement' that would make Audrey Hepburn look like she was attending a particularly downmarket tarts and vicars bash. Was this tarty get-up a blatant case of vote-rigging? Of corset was! (hoho)

Blake puts on a good act

2007-12-14T06:43:00.000-08:00

In the absence of any pictures of a drug-crazed Wino to print today (Amy, what are you doing?? Get back to work!) the London Lite reports that her hubby Blake Fielder-Civil is becoming something of a thespian in the slammer.

According to an unnamed prison source, Blake is "quite well educated". This kind of beggars belief, but we suppose these things are relative in the environs of a London jail.

Anyway, we think Blake could make a fab actor — he'd be a natural for Dracula. Especially given his real-life expertise in sucking people dry.

More hypocritish

2007-12-14T04:50:00.000-08:00

Creatively-washed-up irritant and Heather Mills-marrier Sir Paul McCartney today slammed his former record label EMI, calling it "boring".

This from a man whose last big single contained the lyrics: "Everybody's gonna dance tonight, everybody's gonna feel alright, everybody's gonna dance and sing tonight" — APPARENTLY WITHOUT IRONY. The next verse probably went on about the moon in June.

Macca, we could write more interesting lyrics with our hands tied behind our backs as we were being lobotomised. Still, you have a point — any record label that would release the dirges of your later career over a prolonged period of time does not score high in the interest stakes.

The taste of love

2007-12-14T04:42:00.000-08:00

The Evening Standard reports that so-incompatible-they-kind-of-work lovebirds Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans snuck into the gents at The Fat Duck, Heston Blumenthal's weirdie Berkshire restaurant, for a bit of slap and tickle.

Well, we quite understand — dishes like mustard ice cream and snail porridge would get anyone in the mood for love.

Second thoughts, maybe Rhys was just holding Sienna's hair back for her.

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel, Born is the King of Twats

2007-12-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

At Led Zeppelin's show earlier this week (you may have heard about it) Noel Gallagher somehow managed to get in to the VIP section and got chatting to Jimmy Page.

Noel, the rock 'n roll god that he is, was only bloody drunk!!?

Noel seems to think that during the conversation he blacked out due to drinking too much Stella (do people even drink that shite these days?) but we think he is underestimating Jimmy.

In their day, Led Zeppelin were legendary and having to put up with Noel Gallagher blabbering on about guitar solos is horrible.

We'd like to think that Jimmy got bored and slipped a few sleeping pills into Noel's 'Wife Beater' and then buggered off to find someone nice to talk to. Admittedly he might have had trouble managing that as the place was infested with the likes of Paul McCartney and Naomi Campbell.

FYI Celebritish attended a party last year where we overheard Jimmy Page bragging about shagging a certain supermodel from Croydon.

MTV - always groundbreaking

2007-12-13T06:27:00.000-08:00

We weren't sure how MTV would surpass 'Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up The Aisle' but after a tense 6 month wait, they have come out with arguably the most revolutionary televisual concept ever:

It's a reality TV show.

It's got Kerry Katona in it.

It's called Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love

Let's give ourselves a minute to take this in and listen to the wise words of an MTV producer:

"In this no-holds-barred reality show, Kerry and new hubby Mark Croft offer a zany, off-the-wall insight into their entertaining and extraordinary lives."

Zany! Off-the-wall!!!! Holy mother of Christ, this is like nothing we have ever heard of. Where do they get these ideas from?

It's imaginative thinking like this that makes British television the best in the World. While America churns out crap like Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Sopranos we quietly set about making groundbreaking shows like Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love and Pete's PA. Up yours USA!

We're back

2007-12-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the break in Celebrtish action over the past few days. This was down to a number of factors including Rik Waller sitting on our server, but we've finally got the insurance through and are good to go!

Good news: Jade Goody definitely can't be racist after all!

We know this because the pig-faced kebab-flasher has befriended The Prince Of Brunei.

A more cynical blog might suggest the fact the Prince stands to inherit a share of £20 billion pounds and has bought Miss Piggy a £3,000,000 diamond ring might have something to do with it, but we know the truth is that Jade will not rest until she has stamped out all of the racism, sexism and homophobia that shames our great nation.

She is an example to us all. Maybe one day we too will realise that whatever the colour of a person's skin is, whatever their sexual preference may be, whatever their face may look like, we are all human beings and should live happily together.

God bless Jade Goody.

Pete Doherty is scum: yet more proof

2007-12-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, just when you thought he couldn't get any scuzzier, Pete Doherty has apparently negotiated a £50k deal with ITV2 to dish the dirt on his relationship with La Moss.

£50k is a lot of money, and considering we're talking about a man who'll play a full gig for a bag of chips and 10p change for the phone, one can only imagine that what ITV2 will get out of him for their money will be pretty juicy. And one would be right:

Pete is considering handing over hours' worth of private video footage that the pair had filmed together. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else. She'll be furious and feel massively betrayed."

Nice. We're not particular fans of Kate's, but this is shitty behaviour by anyone's standards. We don't know who should feel grubbier: Pete or ITV2. Still, obviously we'll be watching avidly for material to mock on the blog, so perhaps now is not the time to take the moral high ground!

James McAvoy is officially A Bit Weird — and we like it!

2007-12-10T03:32:00.000-08:00

Top British actor, heart-throb and generally non-criticisable hub of super-popularity James McAvoy told an odd little story to Fox News's Bill McCuddy.

Apparently, when he was eight years old, he managed to freak his little sister out in some style by convincing her he was not James McAvoy at all, but was in fact the ghost of James McAvoy, who had surreptitiously died while they were playing hide-and-seek.

She totally bought it, and what a great lie! James was clearly an imaginative child. Celebritish wish we'd thought of it, but the best we came up with was one of us convincing the other that a swordfish could drill a hole through the boat we were travelling in and sink it. Good, true, but not THAT good.

Kick him to the kerb, boys!

2007-12-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Robbie Williams now wants to rejoin Take That. Well, his ma says so anyway. And let's face it, why wouldn't he?

And it looks like the boys are going to have it as well, with Jason Orange declaring, "It's inevitable."

Ooh, but this makes us mad. Robbie is like a commitment-phobic boyfriend who dumps you, humiliates you in public, shows off about how great his life is without you and then crawls back with his tail between his legs asking for forgiveness when the chips are down.

It doesn't have to be this way! Girl-friends, you are better than that! Tell him where to stick it.

We love Heather Mills

2007-12-07T04:35:00.000-08:00

It seems Celebritish have been a bit harsh on Heather recently.

While we thought she was after money and fame, it turns out she is just trying to sabotage Paul McCartney's tour, and for that we will be forever indebted to the pornstar.

First, you spread 'em for a jazz mag, then you make Paul McCartney axe a tour. Heather, if we didn't know you better, we'd think you were trying to seduce us.