Be still our heaving stomachs

Now, 'Judith Chalmers' and 'going commando' are two concepts one would never, ever want to see combined in a single sentence — but, horribly, the sunbaked travel veteran has revealed she never wore knickers in her 30 years as a host on Wish You Were Here.

Ewww, ewww and thrice ewww. Celebritish remembers watching this programme as a small child, dreaming of having such a cushy job in adult life. Perhaps, had we taken to foresaking our underwear, that life could have been ours! Dammit!

Apparently the reason for losing the pants was to avoid VPL - a practical solution we're sure you'll agree. It got us thinking about whether other celeb hosts do the same. Is Jonathan Ross swinging free? Richard and Judy? Russell Brand (well that one kind of goes without saying)? A nation needs to know!

Heather Mills: Back to Reality

Perhaps owing to her fondness for maintaining proximity to extremely rich men, everyone's favourite golddigging harridan Heather 'Mucca' Mills is set to appear in the US's version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well, there's certainly no denying that she's damn good at making money, in her own unconventional way...

Donald Trump has already reportedly declared that he "really likes her" and is "into the idea" - what is it with rich men and character judgement, and, more to the point, could Heather be lining up Old Loaded Fool mk 2 with this smart career move? Trust us, Macca was just the starter.

DAMN THOSE PAPARAZZI!

Celebritish spent yesterday evening on the beach, checking out the ladies and toning our abs. No pain, no gain, and all that.

What we didn't realise was that the event was being captured by an evil paparazzi photographer hiding in the bushes. Today we turn on the computer to see the pictures (see above) splashed all over the internet. How do you wretched photographers sleep at night?

Feed him to Wino

News reaches us that George Sampson from Britain's Got Talent 'could go blind any day'.

George, the boy who dances slightly out of time to Mint Royale songs - as opposed to the dog who dances in time to the James Bond theme tune - has revealed that he has a rare disease called Uveitis which can under certain circumstances cause blindness (Wiki says if its discovered early, prognosis is good).

We would have more sympathy but we're getting sick of this kid's moaning. First it was the rather dramatic 'Docs Say I Must Never Dance Again' (the day after this, his participation in the Britain's Got Talent tour was announced), now it's 'I Could Go Blind Any Day' (cue a lucrative Specsavers contract - presumably).

Could it be that we've found a candidate for the coveted 'Pop Culture's Most Fragile Person' award? To be fair, that twat out of Keane has been hogging it for the last 5 years.

The wisdom of the birds

Celebritish had to shed a slight tear (of mirth) upon reading the dreadful news that 40,000 Katie Price and Peter Andre albums have been discovered rotting and covered in bird shit.

We particularly like this quote from the finder, who chose to remain nameless: "I thought I’d stumbled on a stash of Coldplay’s new album ready for sending out, so I was gutted when I saw it was some rubbish Jordan and Peter Andre tried to get in the charts. "

Mainly for the fact that the MOST EXCITING thing he could possibly imagine the mystery find to be was the new Coldplay album.

Anyway, a more apt fate we can barely imagine, and there's something especially satisfying about it because Jord and Pete strike us as such an obsessively, shinily clean couple. The yin to Wino's yang. Speaking of whom, apparently she's going to be kept in hospital for as long as it takes her to quit The Drugs. We estimate that to be exactly as long as she stays in hospital and not a day beyond that. Still, nice to see an unnamed "source" giving the tabs a run for their money in the punning stakes: "There is a feeling her family can have a good crack at sorting her out this time." Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it Gordon Smart!

Knightley-watch: 'inhaling puddings'

Celebritish had a rare opportunity yesterday to sample the delights of the Richard And Judy show - and speaking of all things Dick Madeley, we thoroughly recommend "his" blog. Hee-larious reading, we think you'll agree.

Anyway, there was an interesting debate about gayness featuring Celebrity Comedy Gay Stephen K Amos, which came to the shocking conclusion that gay people are all different and therefore should not be stereotyped. Verily, Celebritish was shocked at this revelation.

Then we were treated to a taster of an interview with Keira Knightley and Matthew Rhys, stars of upcoming Dylan Thomas biopic The Edge Of Love. And guess what darling Keira was banging on about this time? Yes, her weight, her struggle with her natural thinness (Celebritish can sympathise here) and how the papers are mean to her. Apparently her publicist called her to tell her one paper had written 'the worst thing she'd ever read about anyone'. She clearly doesn't share a publicist with Heather Mills, then.

Matthew Rhys then backed up Keira's 'I eat like a horse, honest' claims, declaring that she and Sienna Miller 'inhaled puddings' on the film set. Is this some crazy new LA diet craze about which we've yet to hear?