True Brit

Well, Celebritish did our blogging duty and sat through the Brits last night — it was a bit awkward and stilted until the end when it all got shambolic and pissed — so at least it had that authentic party vibe.

Here are some observations, in no particular order of importance:

Ozzy screwing up the Paul McCartney introduction was hilarious, as was the revelaton (by Sharon) of the fact that Ozzy listens to Macca's music every day of his life. Sweet lord, no wonder he is the way he is!

When Mika opened the show, it might have been just us, but we could have sworn we actually saw the pound signs lighting up his admittedly rather beautiful eyes as he marvelled at the Marketing Opportunity opening the Brits entails and thought of all the units that would be shifted as a consequence, "Ker-CHING" indeed, Mika!

We have to thank the awards for exploding two bizarrely commonly held myths last night: the myths that Chris Moyles and Allen Carr are funny people. Sadly, Vic Reeves, who used to be quite amusing, also demonstrated that he has undoubtedly had his funny bone removed. Drunkenness is no excuse Reeves, you can be drunk and funny, in fact the two are quite happy bedfellows most of the time.

The people who did the lightshow for the Klaxons/Rihanna "mash-up" were very talented - it looked amazing. When the only thing you notice about a performance is the lightshow, though... :-(

Adele declared: "Speeches are boring". Tell that to Churchill and Luther King, madam! Still, she made a good effort at proving the point with her own speech.

Ozzy introduced Kaiser Chiefs as "Kaiser Cheese". Which is about right in our opinion - a smelly old cheese that's past its sell by date too.

Kelly introduced Kylie as someone who's "been making great pop since the Nineties". Since the 90s, Kelly?! Does I Should Be So Lucky mean nothing to you?!?! For shame!!

Mark Ronson is a producer, not a solo artist - is he treated as one because he looks pretty and is cool? Interestingly, despite his gorgeousness and coolness, the guy has zero stage presence, as he proved when he took to the stage to play half-assed guitar behind some singers. Oh yeah, one of those singers was Winehouse. Jury's out on how her recovery's going, she certainly seemed a little "edgy" and was over-singing somewhat, but was basically pretty good, we thought. Bad sign that she asked the crowd to "give it up for my husband" though - why, exactly? For being in prison and having nothing whatsoever to do with British music? Woo, yeah, Blake! Hurrah, encore!

The choreography for Leona Lewis's performance was quite simply deranged, and probably the funniest thing in a show sorely lacking in good jokes. Leona managed not to laugh though, and did put in probably the best performance of the night. She might have no personality, but she sure as heck has star quality and a cracking pair of lungs.

The non-stop Brit school mentions surely had the reverse of the intended effect, unless the intended effect was to make everyone bored beyond belief with the Brit school and get it roundly mocked by a drunken Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, who pretended he was also a graduate of the Selhurst stage school - to minimal comic effect.

Paul McCartney's Everybody's Gonna Dance Tonight is truly the most terrible song ever written, and made us wish that the ultra-realistic firebomb explosions that accompanied his following number Live And Let Die were actually happening.

So, that was the Brits that was. Not a triumph, nor a shambles. Here's hoping next year it'll make it's mind up one way or t'other!

Leona gets violent

X Factor personality-void Leona Lewis has revealed that she thinks violence is all part and parcel of a normal London upbringing.

She reveals: "Most of my friends have beet shot, stabbed or beaten up."

Jesus, they must be an annoying bunch!

Seriously, though, it's a little harsh for a girl from Hackney to tar all of our fine city with the same brush. Celebritish grew up in London (well, Zone 5) and the nearest we came to violence was a spot of violent vomiting after one too many Diamond Whites.

Anyway, Hackney is perfectly safe, because this lot say so, and MPs are a trustworthy bunch aren't they?

Simon Cowell is attractive and bigger than Brad Pitt

Simon Cowell seems to be on the media offensive this week due to his group Futureproof being voted out of X Factor and his only remaining hope being Hope (sub-Pussycat Dolls tripe). What better way to have your ego massaged than to get pop singers to heap praise upon you?

First Leona Lewis said she found him attractive:
“Simon’s great. I get that people find him attractive, it’s probably the power thing. He’s got a lot of power, so I can see it."
She does concede that it was probably because of his power and the fact he's pulling the strings in her career would make her weary of calling him a scrotum-faced loser wouldn't it.

Now Westlife have said that Simon is bigger than Brad Pitt (and they're not talking about his man-boobs):
“Simon is bigger than Brad Pitt in America. We met up with him in the States a couple of years ago but we couldn’t get near him because he was so busy signing autographs."

Tomorrow: God claims Simon Cowell is "better than Jesus".

Lights are on, nobody's home

Leona Lewis turned on the Oxford Street Christmas lights last night.

Reports that her sparkling personality and electrifying charisma were used to power the impressive display are as yet unconfirmed, but Celebritish heard rumours.

Cosmopolitan's Women of the Year awards — a veiled insult to womankind

With the odd notable exception (Ashley Jensen, we take our hats off to you), the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year awards seemed to make a point of celebrating the dullest specimens of femalehood. Leona Lewis and Rihanna, personality-free zones both, won the Newcomer and Mistress of Music gongs respectively, which in a year of interesting, feisty acts like Kate Nash and, um, Feist to name but two is just shocking.

And we love the prize that Katie Price got her mucky mitts on: the Be The Best You Can Be prize. While it is probably accurate to state that Price is, indeed, the best *she* can be, could they not have given the award to someone who, when being the best they can be, transcends the state of being rubbish at everything?