Don't you know who I am? Erm, no

Poor old Daniel Bedingfield. Proving fame is a fickle mistress indeed, Bedders was nearly turned away from the Paper shiteclub because the bouncers had not a clue who he was. Lucky old bouncers, eh?

When Dan decided he'd Gotta Get Thru This queue of ordinary folk by exploiting his ever-waning celebrity status, the bouncers told him: "If You're Not The One you ain't comin' in."

Finally, however, the bouncers relented and let him in. Maybe he wore them down by singing at them, like when the Americans played the Barney The Dinosaur theme tune on repeat to weaken terror suspects.

Jordan drops her pants

Here is Jordan launching her new range of underwear in London.

What she wants us to think: Jordan is breaking down the walls of oppression that keep 'normal people' out of the media. Lets go and buy some pants! Hooray!

What we really think: Jordan is posing with some fat people for a picture that the tabloid hacks can add a comedy caption to, therefore helping her shift thousands of pairs of ugly knickers.

The funny thing is, despite the fact she would have asked for less attractive models to make her look better, most of the girls actually look more attractive than her. It's backfired, just like when the average-looking kid takes his ugly mate to the disco only for the ugly one to get the girl. In your face Jordan!

Daniel is guarded

Distressing news from the set of the new Harry Potter, where poor little Danny Radcliffe is under armed guard after receiving death threats.

We've always had a soft spot for Daniel, and can't imagine who would do such a nasty thing, but we'd suggest the police turn their investigations toward Lord Voldemort... we've heard bad things about that guy.

Kate Moss makes skeletons have sex

On the day Kate Moss and her ilk are condemned by the UN for their irresponsible rock'n'roll behaviour it's revealed that she has a pair of skeletons in her hallway.

As ever, there is a comedically challenged 'friend' to relay the story to the press:

"She wants to paint one set with her face beaming down and the other with Jamie [Hince]'s mug. It'll look hilarious."

Yes, 'hilarious'.

Truly showing respect for the deceased she has so far painstakingly arranged them in the missionary position and will be working her way through the Karma Sutra with her boney friends.

Can you imagine being a poor old corpse? If you're not being degraded by Gunther von Hagens you're being humiliated by Kate Moss. Celebritish are considering starting a campaign to give back dignity to cadavers with the provisional name Save Our Skeletons.

Chantelle: a sterling example to women everywhere

Well, you can say a lot of things about Chantelle Houghton, she of Celebrity Big Brother 'fame', but none of those things would involve the words 'class', 'intelligence' or 'dignity'.

Pictured in a typically delightful pose in the Sun, she spills the beans on her new fella, renowned woman-beater Tony Richardson. You know, the one who left bruises all over Jennifer Ellison. What a catch. Still, you can't fault Chantelle's logic. She said:

'I like to take people on face value. He's fit. He's not in prison so it's not like he could've done anything that bad... I'm not going to waste time thinking about how I feel about it.'

At least we think she did - her words were slightly obscured by the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst spinning in her grave.

Ah well, at least he's 'fit on face value' hey? What a lucky girl...

By the way, this is Tony in all his glory - form an orderly queue ladies.

Bedingfield's boo boo

Here is Daniel Bedingfield rocking the red carpet on Saturday night at the Black Entertainment Television launch party. Quite why he was there we don't know, as far as we're aware he isn't black or entertaining but don't quote us on that.

We're still waiting for news on his next album but if this sartorial faux pas is anything to go by we're expecting an Arctic-Monkeys-living-on-the-streets kind of vibe, with a bit of Charlie Chaplin chucked in for good measure.

Strangely there was no mention of his rather unsuccessful foray into construction work last week which resulted in the destruction of a luxury home in Broadstairs.