It ain't over til the fat "lady" wins

I'm A Celebrity will grind to a halt tonight with Christopher Biggins being crowned jungle king (don't hold us to that but it looks likely).

Celebritish has tried to stay up to date with the goings on in the jungle but frankly life gets in the way so we really have no idea whats going on.

Apparently it's just Biggins, Janice Dickinson and J (is he still 'J from Five' or is he famous enough to be 'J' now?) left in the jungle, so the fight is between a panto king and an ex-model. Oh the glamour.

There we have it, another year of I'm A Celeb and this one was more boring than ever. Any chance of romance was stamped out by ITV letting Marc Bannerman leave (bring back vote rigging, we say). And you can put as many Gemma Atkinson's in the jungle as you like but all they add is wank-fodder for Zoo magazine.

Speaking of which, Gemma has been giving insightful interviews since being booted out:

“I lost a stone in there, so I need to stock up on food now. Thankfully I didn’t lose it from my breasts, which is the main thing – I didn’t want to lose them.”

How you would "lose" implants by dropping a stone we don't know, but thank goodness eh?

“I’m really looking forward to learning how to kiss again with Marcus [Bent]. It’ll be like having butterflies on a first date again.”

Christ, she is so lacking in brain cells she has forgotten how to kiss in 3 weeks?! Also, "having butterflies on a first date"? We normally go for a prawn cocktail but each to their own.

We have a suspicion IACGMOOH might come to an end in a year or two just as Celebrity Big Brother has. It seems the public are deserting pointless celebrity reality TV and going for quality shows like Strictly Come Dancing instead. Hooray for Bruce Forsyth, saviour of British television!

Gemma Atkinson's lesbo secret

A shocking story today from The Daily Star – or the Celebritish Bible as we like to call it.

"SIZZLING Gemma Atkinson shocked her jungle pals yesterday by revealing a saucy lesbian secret."

Get in! Wey-hey!

"The ex-Hollyoaks star has been enjoying kinky girl-on-girl action with actress Jaime Winstone, 22 – daughter of movie hard man Ray."

What?! A REAL lesbian? Oh dear god, all my dreams are shattered. I might as well claw my eyes out now, there will be nothing worth watching on I'm A Celeb anymore.

"But fellas can breathe a sigh of relief – the sizzling clinches are all for a new movie."

Oh thank heavens for that, if she was really a lesbian, I couldn't possibly perve over her. Now I know she will be pretending to fancy the offspring of Ray Winstone I can become genuinely aroused!

Gemma has been telling the celebs in the jungle about filming what sounds like a 21st Century masterpiece.

"When it came to the kissing, [the director] basically said: ‘I just want you to go for it because the more you do it the more happy it’s going to be.’"

Yay, happy pretend lesbians!

“I didn’t dislike it. But it’s just awkward because there’s loads of crew there."

Wait a second, you just said you weren't a filthy lesbian, now you "didn't dislike it"?!

“Afterwards I felt a bit ‘Oooww’ and when I got home I felt a bit abused.”

Well that has entirely ruined the fantasy I was playing out in my head. Thanks a lot Atkinson you bitch.

I'm A Celebrity update

So here we have the definitive list of celebs heading to the jungle on Monday:

Malcolm McLaren, Cerys Matthews, Marc Bannerman, ‘J’ from Five, Gemma Atkinson, John Burton Race, Janice Dickinson, Lynne Franks, Rodney Marsh and Anna Ryder Richardson

And a few random quotes from the press release:

Malcolm:
“I am looking forward to doing it with people who I probably don’t know..."
Admittedly we cut that quote short but he's a boring old fart and we couldn't be bothered to read any more.

Cerys Matthews:
“I’m looking for Tarzan. My Tarzan.”
We don't think she'll be letting Malcolm near her then, but J from Five would look quite good in a loin cloth.

“If I had to be an animal in the jungle I’d be a kangaroo, a mama kangaroo; they keep their things in their pouch.”
Too much information, love, lets move on.

Marc Bannerman
“I’ve been practising on the cat, the cat’s got no balls left because I’ve been chewing on them for the last three days to practice!“
Think he might be taking this a bit seriously. Marc, IT'S ONLY A BIT OF FUN.

“Dean Gaffney said ‘Just go for it, you’ll really enjoy it.’ I trust his judgement he’s a shrewd fella, he’s a clever guy, and if he can live through his fears then so can I God dammit!”
We love Dean Gaffney as much as the next celebrity blog but trusting his judgment and calling him shrewd and clever is just wrong.

J from Five
"I’ve spent the past five or six years with like various philosophies."
Says it all really doesn't it?

Gemma Atkinson
“I’m just hoping I don’t do anything or you know get in bed with anybody when I’m asleep.”
We don't think Malcolm would mind to be honest.

“I’m hoping the public will see a genuine more normal side to me as opposed to my glamorous posing semi naked side."
Oh the glamour of getting your tits out in The Sun!

John Burton Race
“If I get desperate for protein and real food I’ll just kill one of the celebrities, chop them up and eat them.”
Erm okay...

Janice Dickinson
“I’ve been around the world, I’ve eaten monkey brain"
Delightful!

Lynne Franks
"I’m doing it for women everywhere really.”
If only they knew who you were they'd probably be very grateful.

Rodney Marsh
"When things are going great in a friend's relationship I’ll always find a way to sabotage."
What a lovely chap!

Anna Ryder Richardson
“I will keep my pants on very tight all the time. Don’t care what I look like.”
Why?!

"I wanted to learn how to make an igloo out of a palm tree.”
What?!!?

Right, I give up, this programme is going to be far too confusing.