Robbie will light up China

This story will warm your cockles on a cold, miserable day:

Leftover copies of Robbie's Rudebox album will be recycled as street lamps and tarmac in China.

After the ill-deserved adulation he's received over the years we're pleased to see his albums subjected to all the things we've ever dreamt of: being melted down, then smeared in dog shit, stamped on, and having chewing gum trodden into them.

You can imagine Robbie reading this as he downs his 36th espresso of the day and quietly weeps.

The best thing is that this story actually comes from his own record label - they must be really pissed off about his supposed strike action (laziness).

Hallelujah!

After the last two rather depressing stories, we bring you wonderful news! News so wonderful we had to kick ourselves in the head to see if we were dreaming!

Robbie Williams says he may give up touring. And not just that, he says he might not even release an album this year. Whoop-di-do!

“There might not be a proper album out this year and there definitely won’t be a tour any time soon. F*** that, the last one nearly killed me."

He thought performing was bad? Imagine how it was for the poor bastards who travelled miles to manky arenas to get charged a tenner for a pint of piss and watch a bloated, smug twat go through the motions.

“I do have to say, the more time I’m spending away from public life, the more I like it."

We're not sure how he is away from public life (does he live on a desert island?), but what a coincidence - the longer he's away, the more we like it too.

THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?


a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.


For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

Kick him to the kerb, boys!

Apparently, Robbie Williams now wants to rejoin Take That. Well, his ma says so anyway. And let's face it, why wouldn't he?

And it looks like the boys are going to have it as well, with Jason Orange declaring, "It's inevitable."

Ooh, but this makes us mad. Robbie is like a commitment-phobic boyfriend who dumps you, humiliates you in public, shows off about how great his life is without you and then crawls back with his tail between his legs asking for forgiveness when the chips are down.

It doesn't have to be this way! Girl-friends, you are better than that! Tell him where to stick it.

Robbie beard alert

Robbie Williams has a new beard! This time we're not talking about an out of work "model" but a beautiful bushy facial covering.

He was pictured on holiday in Amsterdam avoiding the paparazzi by wearing a hideous puffer jacket, wooly hat and shades. Very inconspicious Rob, god knows how they spotted you.

The eagle-eyed among you might have noticed that the above picture is infact a mock-up as due to legal reasons we can't bring you the actual pictures – just buy a copy of The Sun if you're that bothered.

There's life in the old girl yet

Actress Jane Seymour has been pissing her neighbours off with her constant noisy part-ays. The Dr Quinn Medicine Woman star has been putting La Moss and Davinia Taylor to shame with her 24-hour antics, and (harsh words these), locals wish that Robbie Williams, a prevous occupant, was back in the gaff instead.

Apparently, Robbie was 'more considerate' as a neighbour. This is reported as if it's somehow surprising, but come on, to have a party you have to have friends, right? So Robbie was NEVER going to be a problem.

Still, respect to Jane for partying so hard in the face of such opposition. Celebritish also aim to be the oldest swingers in town when we reach her venerable age.

See, Robbie, there's no need to be such a spoilsport

Oh thank goodness — Celebritish is pleased and relieved to report that Ronan Keating will be joining Stephen, Mikey, Shane... um... Kian... um... oh no that's Westlife isn't it... — well, he's joining four other Irish men on the Boyzone reunion tour! We had our fears that the tour might be a rather dull affair, but with Wildman Ronan on board it'll really kick off.

OK, we're joking, but still, Ronan rejoining is a good example to Robbie Williams, showing that there's no harm in celebrating the band who made you famous in the first place, and actually refusing to do so makes you look like an arse and sends your career off onto the skids. But we're guessing Rob's probably worked that one out, as he sits drinking his 60 cups of Espresso a day in his LA mansion, all alone... It's an unbearably sad image, really, so let's move on, and rejoice in Ronan's simple, untortured little soul.

Robbie's feeling bummed.

Ooh that Robbie Williams, he is a naughty boy. When asked by TMZ what he'd been up to in his time 'out of the limelight' (for which read 'fading inexorably into obscurity and oblivion'), he answered 'w***ing, shooting herion and bum sex'.

Off-the-cuff humour, or a poignantly rare moment of honesty from the joke from Stoke?

There's just no way of knowing. Isn't he an enigma?

('No' - The World)