Spice Girl sex guru

It seems as soon as you get over the indulgences of Christmas something else comes along to make you feel thoroughly sick.

Victoria Beckham has revealed she and the rest of the Spice Girls know where to go for sex advice. And where might that be?

“If we have sex problems, we go to Mel B - she is like the doctor.”

Ugh! The Spice Girls are so desperate for headlines they'll say virtually anything these days, but we do wonder what these problems might be?

Victoria: "Mel, I've got a problem. I've starved myself and had so much plastic surgery that my husband now finds me repulsive. Help me!"

Geri: "Yeah I've got a problem too, I'm such a neurotic bitch that I drive away any man who comes near me. What shall I do?"

Mel C: "And I'm not even sure who I want to shag. Apparently I used to be a lesbian but God knows what I am now?"

Poor Mel B, she's probably got enough going on with the Eddie Murphy court case without worrying about the sex-lives of the sad old desperadoes she works with.

Mel B "will continue to speak"

Mel B has come a disappointing second in Dancing With The Stars.

She lost out to Helio Castroneves (ummm, us neither) on audience votes, despite the judges thinking she was the best. A shame, because the Spice Girl said before the results were announced that "to be embraced by America would leave me speechless". Damn you America, why didn't you vote for her on that promise?

Judge Bruno Tonioli (who must be personally responsible for most of the earth's carbon emissions, as he's managing to judge Dancing With The Stars and Strictly at the same time), called Mel "a complete dancer". We knew she was a complete something.

Her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy added that Mel had "improved 100 per cent" in their ten weeks together. So she must have been properly cack to begin with then. OK, he's a dancer not a statistician, but Celebritish are pedants and don't tolerate that kind of thing.

Mel B - favourite

Our appetite for the Spice Girls' home coming has been whetted repeatedly over the last few weeks with the stunning Tesco advert and their career-defining new single. Now Mel B has become favourite to win Dancing With The Stars and we are peeing our collective pants in anticipation of the gigs next month in London. Conveniently, tickets for said shows are going for as little as 99p on ebay so we're in luck!

In other news Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes turned up at one of the Girl's rehearsals with their daughter Suri.

Victoria said: "It was lovely of them to come down to rehearsals. Katie has told me that she used to be a big Spice fan."

"Used to be"?!!! Clearly Katie has been abducted by aliens (we've always had our suspicions about Tom) and doesn't know the Spice Girls have reunited. GIRL POWER FOREVER!