Be still our heaving stomachs

Now, 'Judith Chalmers' and 'going commando' are two concepts one would never, ever want to see combined in a single sentence — but, horribly, the sunbaked travel veteran has revealed she never wore knickers in her 30 years as a host on Wish You Were Here.

Ewww, ewww and thrice ewww. Celebritish remembers watching this programme as a small child, dreaming of having such a cushy job in adult life. Perhaps, had we taken to foresaking our underwear, that life could have been ours! Dammit!

Apparently the reason for losing the pants was to avoid VPL - a practical solution we're sure you'll agree. It got us thinking about whether other celeb hosts do the same. Is Jonathan Ross swinging free? Richard and Judy? Russell Brand (well that one kind of goes without saying)? A nation needs to know!

Heather Mills: Back to Reality

Perhaps owing to her fondness for maintaining proximity to extremely rich men, everyone's favourite golddigging harridan Heather 'Mucca' Mills is set to appear in the US's version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well, there's certainly no denying that she's damn good at making money, in her own unconventional way...

Donald Trump has already reportedly declared that he "really likes her" and is "into the idea" - what is it with rich men and character judgement, and, more to the point, could Heather be lining up Old Loaded Fool mk 2 with this smart career move? Trust us, Macca was just the starter.

DAMN THOSE PAPARAZZI!

Celebritish spent yesterday evening on the beach, checking out the ladies and toning our abs. No pain, no gain, and all that.

What we didn't realise was that the event was being captured by an evil paparazzi photographer hiding in the bushes. Today we turn on the computer to see the pictures (see above) splashed all over the internet. How do you wretched photographers sleep at night?

Feed him to Wino

News reaches us that George Sampson from Britain's Got Talent 'could go blind any day'.

George, the boy who dances slightly out of time to Mint Royale songs - as opposed to the dog who dances in time to the James Bond theme tune - has revealed that he has a rare disease called Uveitis which can under certain circumstances cause blindness (Wiki says if its discovered early, prognosis is good).

We would have more sympathy but we're getting sick of this kid's moaning. First it was the rather dramatic 'Docs Say I Must Never Dance Again' (the day after this, his participation in the Britain's Got Talent tour was announced), now it's 'I Could Go Blind Any Day' (cue a lucrative Specsavers contract - presumably).

Could it be that we've found a candidate for the coveted 'Pop Culture's Most Fragile Person' award? To be fair, that twat out of Keane has been hogging it for the last 5 years.

The wisdom of the birds

Celebritish had to shed a slight tear (of mirth) upon reading the dreadful news that 40,000 Katie Price and Peter Andre albums have been discovered rotting and covered in bird shit.

We particularly like this quote from the finder, who chose to remain nameless: "I thought I’d stumbled on a stash of Coldplay’s new album ready for sending out, so I was gutted when I saw it was some rubbish Jordan and Peter Andre tried to get in the charts. "

Mainly for the fact that the MOST EXCITING thing he could possibly imagine the mystery find to be was the new Coldplay album.

Anyway, a more apt fate we can barely imagine, and there's something especially satisfying about it because Jord and Pete strike us as such an obsessively, shinily clean couple. The yin to Wino's yang. Speaking of whom, apparently she's going to be kept in hospital for as long as it takes her to quit The Drugs. We estimate that to be exactly as long as she stays in hospital and not a day beyond that. Still, nice to see an unnamed "source" giving the tabs a run for their money in the punning stakes: "There is a feeling her family can have a good crack at sorting her out this time." Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it Gordon Smart!

Knightley-watch: 'inhaling puddings'

Celebritish had a rare opportunity yesterday to sample the delights of the Richard And Judy show - and speaking of all things Dick Madeley, we thoroughly recommend "his" blog. Hee-larious reading, we think you'll agree.

Anyway, there was an interesting debate about gayness featuring Celebrity Comedy Gay Stephen K Amos, which came to the shocking conclusion that gay people are all different and therefore should not be stereotyped. Verily, Celebritish was shocked at this revelation.

Then we were treated to a taster of an interview with Keira Knightley and Matthew Rhys, stars of upcoming Dylan Thomas biopic The Edge Of Love. And guess what darling Keira was banging on about this time? Yes, her weight, her struggle with her natural thinness (Celebritish can sympathise here) and how the papers are mean to her. Apparently her publicist called her to tell her one paper had written 'the worst thing she'd ever read about anyone'. She clearly doesn't share a publicist with Heather Mills, then.

Matthew Rhys then backed up Keira's 'I eat like a horse, honest' claims, declaring that she and Sienna Miller 'inhaled puddings' on the film set. Is this some crazy new LA diet craze about which we've yet to hear?

Le Bon and Ronson, sitting in a tree...

And lo! Celebritish is back in action. We don't want to share the horrific details of what's been going on to stop us writing, but suffice to say we managed to escape from the cellar and Rik Waller is safely in police custody.

As we reaccustom ourselves to the sunlight and, more importantly, the vagaries of the celebrity world, we are intrigued to find that the latest pair of celebrities to be sharing a bit of platonic (we assume) manlove are Mark Ronson and Simon LeBon. And might we say what a lovely couple they make.

While Ronson speaks of his love for Duran Duran and confesses "I used to take a picture of John Taylor with me to the barber shop" (who does he take a picture of now, Celebritish wonders?) Le Bon takes it to a whole new stage. Yes, he's verily overflowing with adoration for the man Ronson.

"He looks great in a well cut suit, and has the blood and voice of an Englishman", he declares in a way that kind of makes us vaguely think of the BNP in a slightly disconcerting way.

While no one could argue Mark looks pretty damn fine in a suit (heck, Mark would look pretty damn fine in a bin bag), the Englishness of his blood and his voice are rather more debatable surely?

Oh yeah, and they're doing a concert in Paris or something...

Don't you know who I am? Erm, no

Poor old Daniel Bedingfield. Proving fame is a fickle mistress indeed, Bedders was nearly turned away from the Paper shiteclub because the bouncers had not a clue who he was. Lucky old bouncers, eh?

When Dan decided he'd Gotta Get Thru This queue of ordinary folk by exploiting his ever-waning celebrity status, the bouncers told him: "If You're Not The One you ain't comin' in."

Finally, however, the bouncers relented and let him in. Maybe he wore them down by singing at them, like when the Americans played the Barney The Dinosaur theme tune on repeat to weaken terror suspects.

Jordan drops her pants

Here is Jordan launching her new range of underwear in London.

What she wants us to think: Jordan is breaking down the walls of oppression that keep 'normal people' out of the media. Lets go and buy some pants! Hooray!

What we really think: Jordan is posing with some fat people for a picture that the tabloid hacks can add a comedy caption to, therefore helping her shift thousands of pairs of ugly knickers.

The funny thing is, despite the fact she would have asked for less attractive models to make her look better, most of the girls actually look more attractive than her. It's backfired, just like when the average-looking kid takes his ugly mate to the disco only for the ugly one to get the girl. In your face Jordan!

Daniel is guarded

Distressing news from the set of the new Harry Potter, where poor little Danny Radcliffe is under armed guard after receiving death threats.

We've always had a soft spot for Daniel, and can't imagine who would do such a nasty thing, but we'd suggest the police turn their investigations toward Lord Voldemort... we've heard bad things about that guy.

Kate Moss makes skeletons have sex

On the day Kate Moss and her ilk are condemned by the UN for their irresponsible rock'n'roll behaviour it's revealed that she has a pair of skeletons in her hallway.

As ever, there is a comedically challenged 'friend' to relay the story to the press:

"She wants to paint one set with her face beaming down and the other with Jamie [Hince]'s mug. It'll look hilarious."

Yes, 'hilarious'.

Truly showing respect for the deceased she has so far painstakingly arranged them in the missionary position and will be working her way through the Karma Sutra with her boney friends.

Can you imagine being a poor old corpse? If you're not being degraded by Gunther von Hagens you're being humiliated by Kate Moss. Celebritish are considering starting a campaign to give back dignity to cadavers with the provisional name Save Our Skeletons.

Chantelle: a sterling example to women everywhere

Well, you can say a lot of things about Chantelle Houghton, she of Celebrity Big Brother 'fame', but none of those things would involve the words 'class', 'intelligence' or 'dignity'.

Pictured in a typically delightful pose in the Sun, she spills the beans on her new fella, renowned woman-beater Tony Richardson. You know, the one who left bruises all over Jennifer Ellison. What a catch. Still, you can't fault Chantelle's logic. She said:

'I like to take people on face value. He's fit. He's not in prison so it's not like he could've done anything that bad... I'm not going to waste time thinking about how I feel about it.'

At least we think she did - her words were slightly obscured by the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst spinning in her grave.

Ah well, at least he's 'fit on face value' hey? What a lucky girl...

By the way, this is Tony in all his glory - form an orderly queue ladies.

Bedingfield's boo boo

Here is Daniel Bedingfield rocking the red carpet on Saturday night at the Black Entertainment Television launch party. Quite why he was there we don't know, as far as we're aware he isn't black or entertaining but don't quote us on that.

We're still waiting for news on his next album but if this sartorial faux pas is anything to go by we're expecting an Arctic-Monkeys-living-on-the-streets kind of vibe, with a bit of Charlie Chaplin chucked in for good measure.

Strangely there was no mention of his rather unsuccessful foray into construction work last week which resulted in the destruction of a luxury home in Broadstairs.

Celebrity Mother Of The Year - A potted history

Yesterday, Suzanne Shaw of Hear'Say and Dancing On Ice fame recieved the honour of being made Celebrity Mum of The Year (sponsored by Le Redoute).

We thought we'd take a look back at the history of the prestigious award and which shining examples of maternal love and nurturing it has been bestowed upon previously.

Last year, the prize (sponsored by Grattan this time) was won by a woman who rarely gets the accolades she deserves. Jordan, also known as Katie Price, likes to keep away from the limelight so little is known about her. What we do know is that she is the kind of caring person who will dedicate every waking hour to ensure her children grow up well-adjusted and as normal they can in the crazy world of showbiz.

The year before that, Sharon Osbourne received the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award from Freemans. Sharon proved what a caring mother she was when she forked out for all of her children to go to rehab to deal with drug addictions they had acquired whilst underage at clubs in LA with 'the wrong crowd'. Kids, eh?

In 2005, Celebrity Mum Of The Year, this time sponsored by Quality Street, was awarded to Kerry Katona. Kerry, best known for her lucrative deal with OK! magazine has always put her family first - giving her unborn babies a little pick me up with a beer and a fag and topping up their college fund with staged paparazzi shoots. But she was cruelly branded "Most Irritating Individual In Britain" by milk substitute (?!) 'Lactofree'. Those milk-hating fascists can shut up! Are they mum of the year 2005? No they are not!

Ulrika Jonsson was Mum Of The Year 2004. She certainly can't be accused of embarassing her children by shagging Sven Goran Eriksson, John Leslie, Stan Collymore, a camera man, Hunter from The Gladiators, an Afghan sheep farmer, Tiny Tim, that bloke off of the Cillit Bang adverts etc. And confessing to being a sex addict. Also calling one of your children Bo is a beautiful tribute to your grandfather, not an open invitation to any bullies to flush your child's head down the toilet.

For some reason in 2003 the powers that be decided to give the award to Melinda Messenger. Some people might be taken in by her "Ooh I'm so lovely" act but we've seen footage of her revealing herself as a fan of George Galloway on This Morning. Is there any worse condemnation of a person's character?

Proving that she truly deserves the accolade, Kerry Katona won Mum Of The Year in 2002 as well as 2005. Here she is pictured with her mother, you know, the one who shagged Kerry's boyfriend and introduced her to booze and drugs. Who would have thought Kerry would rise above this and become a successful mother, celebrity and novelist?

America might have the Oscars, but we have the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award (next year to be sponsored by Spam?) and we're bloody proud of it.

Kate Moss wants to escape the big smoke

It's been reported that pikey clothes-horse Moss is attempting for the thousandth time to give up her precious cancer sticks.

This time she is resorting to sticking more and more Nicotine patches to her tiny frame, increasingly resembling a painting by Georges Braque.

The 'source' quoted in the story sounds like a card!!!!@@!!!

"If anyone else asks for one [a nicotine patch], she sells them for £1.50. People are very surprised when she tries to charge them for one... The look on their faces when she says she has to make some spare cash somehow is hilarious!"

Yes, I can imagine the amusement on the faces of the poor little plebs lumbered with the job of trowling concealer into her facial crevices when she - a seriously overpaid supermodel - won't even spare a nicotine patch to help them give up the fags.

Next week Kate makes a homeless man dance for 10p.

Friendship never ends?

Well, the Spice Girls have come to the end of their world tour.

And, from the look on Victoria's face as the girls shared a 'spontaneous' group hug, not a moment too soon...

On their website, the girls posted: "There are tears of both sadness and joy." Really?

Pete attacked by kitten

This story has a definite whiff of bullshit about it - we don't really believe that Doherty, for all his faults, would be a prima donna about which angle he is photographed from.

But we just can't help liking the idea of celebrities being attacked by kittens.

Maybe there's a far more innocent explanation for those scratches all over Winehouse - she's just been playing with A LOT of kittens.

Miaow!

Oi, Ronson, no!

Picture this: you're Mark Ronson. You put trumpets on people's songs, and the crowds love it. You're the height of cool, you've been (inexplicably) awarded the Brit for Best Male Solo Artist, and you have every Tom, Dick and Harry willing to sell their grandmothers for you to sprinkle some of that Ronson magic over their musical efforts. The world truly is your oyster.

So, why the hell would you decide to work with the Kaiser Chiefs? A charmless band who are well past their prime, and whose prime wasn't even very good?

We despair.

*Celebritish exclusive!: Kaiser Chiefs' new album to feature "lots of trumpets".*

Piers disses Keirs

Today, Celebritish has to make a truly shameful confession. Yes, readers, we agree with something that Piers Morgan said. We know, a shocking revelation.

Piers, you see, has told beautiful misery-guts Keira Knightley to stop 'er whining.

He comments: "She moans about being famous then does endless photo sessions. You can't use the media to promote yourself and then attack them! My message to Keira is, 'If you'd like me to get off your case, then stop bleating'."

Hear, hear!

Keira has been known to bleat the following: "Australian Aborigines say that with every photo that is taken, a piece of your soul goes with it. And there are some days when I kind of believe it."

Presumably not the days when she did this, this, or this. And we're fairly sure it wasn't her soul the photographers were interested in capturing.

They're very nice pics, undoubtedly, but we don't think the Aboriginals would approve...

Celebritish in "getting old" shocker

Celebritish were somewhat perturbed yesterday to read of Blur drummer Dave Rowntree's bid to become a Labour MP.

Now, Alex James's cheese farming we could deal with - food is the new rock n' roll after all, and cheese is one of the more decadent foodstuffs.

And Damon Albarn's foray into opera was okay because it was based on that funny old TV series with the whistling monkey.

But Dave as a Labour MP?? The cheeky boys we knew and loved as teenagers are now well and truly part of the establishment it seems. It came as a shock to us that he's 43 years old, too. Terrifying.

Oh dear, we'll be asking teenagers to "turn that racket down" next...