Phantom of the soap opera

Hollyoaks is really pulling out all the stops with the cameo appearances recently.

First we got Goldie Lookin' Chain and Brian Belo (winner of Big Brother in case you've forgotten), then they upped their game by announcing everyone's favourite hysterically-voiced monster-of-camp, Mika, will be appearing imminently.

Now we've just read that pretend-burns-victim Andrew Lloyd Webber has signed up to star as himself in the soap everyone pretends they don't watch. He'll be stalked by a young lady who wants to be cast in one of his god-awful musicals.

If the producers of Hollyoaks continue the downward trend we can look forward to the return of Paul "motherfuckahs" Danan by the end of next year. Yay!

Keira is seriously annoying

Keira Knightley has revealed she's terrified of taking on comedy roles (strange, we thought her acting was a joke in Love Actually).

In a new interview she says something about being into "darker things at the moment" (whatever that means) but it's probably because when she finds something funny, she turns from a rather striking looking lady:

into some kind of terrifying laughy monster:

She goes on and on in her inimitable style, trying to be self-deprecating but actually coming across as an annoying miserable bitch:
"I think I am quite frightened of comedy. It’s never something that I’ve watched a lot. Getting involved in a Will Ferrell comedy would terrify me."

After plenty more moaning she finally has an epiphany:
“I’m not really interested in trying to look at myself in a film."

You and the rest of us Keira, maybe just stop making films and everyone will be happy.

Can't stop this thing she started

Could this man be the saviour of pop music? Probably not.

But god bless him, not content with supplying Magic FM with songs over the last 20 years, now Bryan Adams is offering to look after Amy Winehouse for Christmas.

The man who presumably won't be reprising his 2000 classic 'Don't Give Up' in her presence, has said he'd happily take her in at his home in Mustique to help clean her up and get her away from the glare of the media. Yes, its the paparazzi that are killing her apparently, not the copious amounts of drugs.

It'll be less a case of 'Baby When You're Gone' and more 'baby when are you not gone?' if she decides to take up the ageing rocker on his offer and head over to the exclusive island for a slap up meal and the obligatory Only Fools And Horses re-run.

We can't work out why Bryan thinks he can succeed where rehab has failed several times, but in the season of good will we'd like to wish him luck!

THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?


a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.


For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

A night before Christmas

As we move towards Christmas, like everyone else we begin to wonder; "When will another '28 Days Later' rip-off be released?"

Well our prayers were answered last night by Will Smith and some of his A-list friends at the London premiere of "I Am Legend".

Fans braved sub-zero temperatures to catch a glimpse of their favourite stars on the red carpet at the Odeon Leicester Square in London, and once Big Willie had warmed up the crowd and made his way inside, the real fun started.


Hope, of X Factor fame, were first to make their way down the carpet. Rumour has it that they were involved in an explosion at Topshop but they couldn't pull out of the event and let down their loyal fans.


Next was everyone's favourite black ex-member of Blue, Simon Webbe! Sporting a fabulous new asymmetrical hair do and thick latex gloves, it was as if he was preparing to battle the god of pop for his deserved place in musical history.

It was well below -30 degrees now but the crowd were holding out as they'd heard some classical singers at the pinnacle of their careers were soon to arrive.


They weren't wrong — next up the carpet was Jon Ansell who used to be in G4. Don't be fooled by the cute face, Jon tore apart G4 after he became addicted crystal meth and decided they needed to take on a new industrial grindcore sound.


Finally, another X Factor hopeful in the form of Alisha. No, not the one who likes happy slapping. No, not the one with the blonde quiff. She was the one who could sing quite well but was chucked out before the Children of the Corn (Same Difference).

This is probably the last celebrity event of the year but we can console ourselves with the knowledge that as we celebrate Christmas with our nearest and dearest, Jodie Marsh will be sitting alone in a cold bedsit wondering what went wrong.

Merry Christmas one and all!

We thought WE were sick...

We've just come across a really rather nasty website on the interwebs. It's called "When Will Amy Winehouse Die?" and it offers an iPod touch to the person who guesses the date of Wino's demise most accurately.

As we approach Christmas, Celebritish are busy decking the halls with bells and holly and putting figs on the tree, and we can't comprehend why anybody would waste their time on such a pathetic excuse for a website (oh, shut up you lot).

Anyway, we are going to combat this boil on the face of technology with a Celebritish Christmas Quiz. We've written all the questions but are being held back by our absolute inabilty to do anything clever.

If anyone reading this knows anything about how to make quizzes in HTML or any other format please let us know — we will be happy to credit you and might even send a Celebritish goodie-bag (yes thats right, we've been sent some proper shit this year). If not, a very half-hearted Smash Hits-style quiz will appear tomorrow.

And another celeb baby!

Yes, hot on the heels of Lily Allen, Radio 1 DJ Edith Bowman and Editors frontman Tom Smith have also announced that they are expecting a new "edition" — see what we did there?!?!

The couple assure us: "We are both absolutely delighted".

There's something quite amusing about the concept of Tom Smith, lead miserabilist in the most miserable-sounding band in Britain, being "absolutely delighted", isn't there?

Bono — saving the world through private equity

It's a rare occurence for Celebritish to read the business news. But when we saw the smug mush of Bono Vox gawping at us out of the business pages of the Evening Standard, we had to investigate further.

And we found out about this. Yes, Bono has entered the world of private equity, a decision he defends with quite possibly the wankiest quote ever (yes, even from him):

"I'ma top-line melody guy. I understand harmony. I understand rhythm. But I sell ideas — musical, political and, in this case, commercial ideas. So many great geniuses ended up with nothing. With broken hearts in rooms with broken windows. I want to see artists sitting at the table that decides the outcome of their lives."

Argh! To do these comments justice we'd have to pick up and berate almost every single word of them, so tell you what, we'll just let Bono dig his own grave. Read it, read it again, try to feel any emotions other than rage and despair.

Lily Allen is preggers

Celebritish would like to congratulate Lily Allen and Chemical Brother Ed Simons on the happy news that they are expecting a little baby. Aw bless.

We get the feeling that Lily, unlike certain of her celeb counterparts (yes, Kate Moss, we're looking at you), might make a decent fist of motherhood. And, as we can't see her musical career extending beyond the inevitably disappointing second album ("Wasn't the first album disappointing enough?" - The World), she should have plenty of time to devote to it.

He's a scumbag doncha know

Amy Winehouse's pop Mitch has gone radio rental at Pete Doherty, branding him a "scumbag" and ALLEGEDLY hitting him with a guitar for hanging around his daughter and being a bad influence.

Frankly, we doubt Pete's bad influence potential in this particular instance — compared to Winehouse he looks like a member of Same Difference — and not even the male one.

Still, considering every other Doherty story lately is about him being hit with various objects or fists, perhaps he should be questioning why this seems to happen so frequently and modify his behaviour accordingly. Dickhead.

We like this bit though: Mitch apparently added that Blake, Amy's incarcerated hubby (and one of the few other people who could be branded a higher form of scumbag than Mr Doherty) "has been asking for Amy's help to improve in a number of ways, and that's good to hear." Er, really? Is she the best person to ask for life tips? Perhaps a new career beckons for Amy as a motivational guru. She could present You Are What You Snort, or How To Look Good Wasted. Channel 4 commissioners, we await your call.

Kylie Minogue, style icon (aHEM)

The X Factor final was, as it is rather often, a travesty of epic proportions. For those who didn't see it, a dead-eyed, charisma-negative teenage simpleton triumphed over a bloke from Wales who might have looked a bit weird but could at least hold a tune, dammit. Really, when you find yourself yearning for the days of Gareth Gates, you know there's trouble at mill.

Aaanyway, we blame Kylie. She was the guest chosen to appear with Leon (for that is the name of the simpleton), while the other two acts got Jason Donovan and Katherine Jenkins. Kylie is clearly the most popular of these three, and it must have helped li'l Leon somewhat.

But more to the point, what the hell was Kylie wearing?!?! She is absolutely gorgeous and we would have thought it would be difficult to make her look bad in anything, but black lace leggings, a corset and nothing else is a 'fashion statement' that would make Audrey Hepburn look like she was attending a particularly downmarket tarts and vicars bash. Was this tarty get-up a blatant case of vote-rigging? Of corset was! (hoho)

Blake puts on a good act

In the absence of any pictures of a drug-crazed Wino to print today (Amy, what are you doing?? Get back to work!) the London Lite reports that her hubby Blake Fielder-Civil is becoming something of a thespian in the slammer.

According to an unnamed prison source, Blake is "quite well educated". This kind of beggars belief, but we suppose these things are relative in the environs of a London jail.

Anyway, we think Blake could make a fab actor — he'd be a natural for Dracula. Especially given his real-life expertise in sucking people dry.

More hypocritish

Creatively-washed-up irritant and Heather Mills-marrier Sir Paul McCartney today slammed his former record label EMI, calling it "boring".

This from a man whose last big single contained the lyrics: "Everybody's gonna dance tonight, everybody's gonna feel alright, everybody's gonna dance and sing tonight" — APPARENTLY WITHOUT IRONY. The next verse probably went on about the moon in June.

Macca, we could write more interesting lyrics with our hands tied behind our backs as we were being lobotomised. Still, you have a point — any record label that would release the dirges of your later career over a prolonged period of time does not score high in the interest stakes.

The taste of love

The Evening Standard reports that so-incompatible-they-kind-of-work lovebirds Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans snuck into the gents at The Fat Duck, Heston Blumenthal's weirdie Berkshire restaurant, for a bit of slap and tickle.

Well, we quite understand — dishes like mustard ice cream and snail porridge would get anyone in the mood for love.

Second thoughts, maybe Rhys was just holding Sienna's hair back for her.

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel, Born is the King of Twats

At Led Zeppelin's show earlier this week (you may have heard about it) Noel Gallagher somehow managed to get in to the VIP section and got chatting to Jimmy Page.

Noel, the rock 'n roll god that he is, was only bloody drunk!!?

Noel seems to think that during the conversation he blacked out due to drinking too much Stella (do people even drink that shite these days?) but we think he is underestimating Jimmy.

In their day, Led Zeppelin were legendary and having to put up with Noel Gallagher blabbering on about guitar solos is horrible.

We'd like to think that Jimmy got bored and slipped a few sleeping pills into Noel's 'Wife Beater' and then buggered off to find someone nice to talk to. Admittedly he might have had trouble managing that as the place was infested with the likes of Paul McCartney and Naomi Campbell.

FYI Celebritish attended a party last year where we overheard Jimmy Page bragging about shagging a certain supermodel from Croydon.

MTV - always groundbreaking

We weren't sure how MTV would surpass 'Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up The Aisle' but after a tense 6 month wait, they have come out with arguably the most revolutionary televisual concept ever:

It's a reality TV show.

It's got Kerry Katona in it.

It's called Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love



Let's give ourselves a minute to take this in and listen to the wise words of an MTV producer:

"In this no-holds-barred reality show, Kerry and new hubby Mark Croft offer a zany, off-the-wall insight into their entertaining and extraordinary lives."

Zany! Off-the-wall!!!! Holy mother of Christ, this is like nothing we have ever heard of. Where do they get these ideas from?

It's imaginative thinking like this that makes British television the best in the World. While America churns out crap like Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Sopranos we quietly set about making groundbreaking shows like Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love and Pete's PA. Up yours USA!

We're back

Sorry about the break in Celebrtish action over the past few days. This was down to a number of factors including Rik Waller sitting on our server, but we've finally got the insurance through and are good to go!


Good news: Jade Goody definitely can't be racist after all!

We know this because the pig-faced kebab-flasher has befriended The Prince Of Brunei.

A more cynical blog might suggest the fact the Prince stands to inherit a share of £20 billion pounds and has bought Miss Piggy a £3,000,000 diamond ring might have something to do with it, but we know the truth is that Jade will not rest until she has stamped out all of the racism, sexism and homophobia that shames our great nation.

She is an example to us all. Maybe one day we too will realise that whatever the colour of a person's skin is, whatever their sexual preference may be, whatever their face may look like, we are all human beings and should live happily together.

God bless Jade Goody.

Pete Doherty is scum: yet more proof

Yes, just when you thought he couldn't get any scuzzier, Pete Doherty has apparently negotiated a £50k deal with ITV2 to dish the dirt on his relationship with La Moss.

£50k is a lot of money, and considering we're talking about a man who'll play a full gig for a bag of chips and 10p change for the phone, one can only imagine that what ITV2 will get out of him for their money will be pretty juicy. And one would be right:

Pete is considering handing over hours' worth of private video footage that the pair had filmed together. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else. She'll be furious and feel massively betrayed."

Nice. We're not particular fans of Kate's, but this is shitty behaviour by anyone's standards. We don't know who should feel grubbier: Pete or ITV2. Still, obviously we'll be watching avidly for material to mock on the blog, so perhaps now is not the time to take the moral high ground!

James McAvoy is officially A Bit Weird — and we like it!

Top British actor, heart-throb and generally non-criticisable hub of super-popularity James McAvoy told an odd little story to Fox News's Bill McCuddy.

Apparently, when he was eight years old, he managed to freak his little sister out in some style by convincing her he was not James McAvoy at all, but was in fact the ghost of James McAvoy, who had surreptitiously died while they were playing hide-and-seek.

She totally bought it, and what a great lie! James was clearly an imaginative child. Celebritish wish we'd thought of it, but the best we came up with was one of us convincing the other that a swordfish could drill a hole through the boat we were travelling in and sink it. Good, true, but not THAT good.

Kick him to the kerb, boys!

Apparently, Robbie Williams now wants to rejoin Take That. Well, his ma says so anyway. And let's face it, why wouldn't he?

And it looks like the boys are going to have it as well, with Jason Orange declaring, "It's inevitable."

Ooh, but this makes us mad. Robbie is like a commitment-phobic boyfriend who dumps you, humiliates you in public, shows off about how great his life is without you and then crawls back with his tail between his legs asking for forgiveness when the chips are down.

It doesn't have to be this way! Girl-friends, you are better than that! Tell him where to stick it.

We love Heather Mills

It seems Celebritish have been a bit harsh on Heather recently.

While we thought she was after money and fame, it turns out she is just trying to sabotage Paul McCartney's tour, and for that we will be forever indebted to the pornstar.

First, you spread 'em for a jazz mag, then you make Paul McCartney axe a tour. Heather, if we didn't know you better, we'd think you were trying to seduce us.

Chris Barrie needs to talk

As whippersnappers, Celebritish thoroughly enjoyed The Brittas Empire, and we took Chris Barrie to our tender little hearts as one of the leading comic talents of his generation. His marvellous turn as Rimmer in Red Dwarf confirmed us in this view.

But the years haven't been kind to Chris, and we received a press release today informing us he's available for interview to promote a re-release of The Brittas Empire on DVD. Not even a release, a RE-release. It's just too sad. Sniff.

Bizarre reveal top secret information!!!

Wow, well done The Sun's Bizarre. For you have revealed:

"Strictly Come Dancing hunk Gethin Jones is secretly dating opera beauty Katherine Jenkins."

Revelatory! And might we just say what a nice couple they make — perhaps a bit bland for Celebritish's usual tastes but we wouldn't kick either of them out of bed for eating crisps.

The article goes on:

A show source confirmed: "They're going out. It's official."

So, erm, not really a "secret", then.

Joy to the world

It seems to be 'Heart-Warming News Day' today which makes a welcome change from the usual barrage of awfulness which fills the papers.

First Amy Winehouse gets nominated for 6 Grammy awards. Admittedly she isn't in a brilliant place on a personal level at the moment (in fact Celebritish finds the whole thing far too depressing to write about these days) but anything that might cheer her up and get her away from Britain is a good thing.

Then Babyshambles turned a no-show from Doherty and the bassist into a jolly old jig, first performing with special guests and then inviting a fan on stage to perform with them. It's apt that the day they actually do something worthwhile is the day idiot junkie doesn't turn up isn't it? By the way, don't panic, we're assured Pete's absence was "not anything to do with drugs being taken", which seems unlikely as his entire life is to do with drugs being taken. Ho hum.


Finally, Victoria Beckham has become honest and humble. We kid you not!

'It became very obvious from the start that I was never going to be the best singer or dancer or actress. I was never a natural. I've never been that good at anything, to be completely honest.'

Argh, we're having trouble with this. How do you take the piss out of someone when they are being so down on themselves. We agree with everything she's saying but we're finding it hard not to feel sorry for her. What is this new emotion Celebritish is feeling? Sympathy, you say? We're suddenly very queazy, can someone open a window?

'People would push me around, say they were going to beat me up after school, chase me. It was miserable, my whole schooling, miserable. They were literally picking stones up out of puddles and throwing them at me.'

Oh god, we can't bear it, who would have thought we could ever feel sorry for Posh? We're going for a lie down.

Pass the sick bag

We knew that chalet girls had a bit of a reputation for being, ahem, perhaps a little less than choosy, but hearing that hundreds of them have let James "shame about the everything" Blunt take their virginities makes us physically nauseous, frankly.

Thankfully, this story has a definite whiff of the totally made-up about it. Are we seriously meant to believe that hundreds of girls turn up to be chalet workers as virgins? And doesn't the wearing of a T-shirt boasting "James Blunt took my virginity" smack more of an ironic joke than a genuine confession?

If James Blunt had taken either of Celebritish's virginities we would be doing everything in our power to ensure the vile knowledge never got out. We'd also take a thousand showers, make a lifetime vow of celibacy and contemplate suicide.

Drug dealer does Celebritish's bidding

Yes, a nasty wrong'un has had the pleasure of punching Peter Doherty Esquire square in the (moon) face. And it didn't happen in a nasty north London hell hole like you'd expect, but in a pub in Pete's new home town, the peaceful, rural Marlborough in Wiltshire.

There seems to be some disagreement about what it was over, with witnesses saying it was about drugs and Pete's management saying that's bollocks, but to be fair it does sound like a nasty man picked on Petey without good reason, so we can't applaud such mindless violence (much).

Still, our favourite bit is this quote from the landlord: "He had been enjoying a quiet pint on his own, just him and his cat."

Um, what? Celebritish are cat lovers ourselves, but taking a kitty down the boozer is a step too far. Still, for a cat more used to the crack den we suppose it's a lesser evil.

The British Comedy Awards

It was a night of glitz and glamour yesterday evening. Yes that's right, Celebritish went to see Chas and Dave at a nightclub in Sutton.

But back on point, The British Comedy Awards happened too. We don't expect it to get very much coverage this year due to a voting scandal and the fact it wasn't even broadcast on TV. So here are our thoughts.

It was a windy night in London as the stars arrived at the Television Studios for the comedy event of the year. Tensions rose as Jim Davidson rubbed shoulders with Gok Wan and Jonathan Ross tried in vain to make a joke about Chris Langham that was actually funny. As the audience nervously drank Champagne and ate minature burgers you could almost cut the air with a spoon. Let us begin.

Winners:

Firstly our congratulations to Gavin and Stacey which won two awards.

James Corden is a hunk of burning love but he's not just a pretty face, he co-wrote and acted in G&S, which was a Celebritish comedy favourite of the year. Please note Sheridan Smith's cleavage had absolutely nothing to do with the selection of this picture.

David Mitchell won best actor for Peep Show.

Although it could be argued that he doesn't act at all, we're pleased he won this. Peep Show is great and anything that will urge him not to make another series of the awful That Mitchell And Webb Look is to be celebrated.

Peep Show also won best TV comedy.


Losers:

The 'Why are you here?' award goes to Gillian Anderson.

Cheer up you miserable cow.

The 'Most Impressive Impression Of Liono From The Thundercats' goes to Christopher Biggins.

Finally the 'Worst Haircut Of The Night' goes to Gok Wan.

He might look good naked (although we very much doubt it) but nobody can get away with that 'do.