It ain't over til the fat "lady" wins

I'm A Celebrity will grind to a halt tonight with Christopher Biggins being crowned jungle king (don't hold us to that but it looks likely).

Celebritish has tried to stay up to date with the goings on in the jungle but frankly life gets in the way so we really have no idea whats going on.

Apparently it's just Biggins, Janice Dickinson and J (is he still 'J from Five' or is he famous enough to be 'J' now?) left in the jungle, so the fight is between a panto king and an ex-model. Oh the glamour.

There we have it, another year of I'm A Celeb and this one was more boring than ever. Any chance of romance was stamped out by ITV letting Marc Bannerman leave (bring back vote rigging, we say). And you can put as many Gemma Atkinson's in the jungle as you like but all they add is wank-fodder for Zoo magazine.

Speaking of which, Gemma has been giving insightful interviews since being booted out:

“I lost a stone in there, so I need to stock up on food now. Thankfully I didn’t lose it from my breasts, which is the main thing – I didn’t want to lose them.”

How you would "lose" implants by dropping a stone we don't know, but thank goodness eh?

“I’m really looking forward to learning how to kiss again with Marcus [Bent]. It’ll be like having butterflies on a first date again.”

Christ, she is so lacking in brain cells she has forgotten how to kiss in 3 weeks?! Also, "having butterflies on a first date"? We normally go for a prawn cocktail but each to their own.

We have a suspicion IACGMOOH might come to an end in a year or two just as Celebrity Big Brother has. It seems the public are deserting pointless celebrity reality TV and going for quality shows like Strictly Come Dancing instead. Hooray for Bruce Forsyth, saviour of British television!

I'm A Celeb - Day 1

We're reserving our judgment on IACGMOOH for the time being after the first night was a bit lame.

There was a slight twist as the celebs were split into two teams, the Crocs and the Snakes.

The Crocs (featuring Cerys Matthews, John Burton Race, Marc Bannerman, Rodney Marsh and a haggard-looking Anna Ryder-Richardson) proved a tedious bunch as they bonded over a bungee jump and settled down in their camp. They might as well have been singing Ging Gang Goolie for all we cared.

The Snakes - one man down after Malcolm's last minute exit - were much more fun even with Gemma Atkinson and J from Five holding them back. Janice Dickinson (and the rest of the world) quickly took a dislike to Lynne Franks and they spent the first day bickering, culminating in Janice threatening to cut off Lynne's breasts and eat them. The shy, retiring Dickinson then went on to tell us that she knows how to gut a bear which sounded plausible until you saw her faced with a tank full of fairly friendly looking eels and pathetically squealing "I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"

In other news Katie Hopkin's will be entering the jungle tonight, so assuming she's joining The Snakes, they will remain the only team worth watching.

I'm A Celebrity update

So here we have the definitive list of celebs heading to the jungle on Monday:

Malcolm McLaren, Cerys Matthews, Marc Bannerman, ‘J’ from Five, Gemma Atkinson, John Burton Race, Janice Dickinson, Lynne Franks, Rodney Marsh and Anna Ryder Richardson

And a few random quotes from the press release:

Malcolm:
“I am looking forward to doing it with people who I probably don’t know..."
Admittedly we cut that quote short but he's a boring old fart and we couldn't be bothered to read any more.

Cerys Matthews:
“I’m looking for Tarzan. My Tarzan.”
We don't think she'll be letting Malcolm near her then, but J from Five would look quite good in a loin cloth.

“If I had to be an animal in the jungle I’d be a kangaroo, a mama kangaroo; they keep their things in their pouch.”
Too much information, love, lets move on.

Marc Bannerman
“I’ve been practising on the cat, the cat’s got no balls left because I’ve been chewing on them for the last three days to practice!“
Think he might be taking this a bit seriously. Marc, IT'S ONLY A BIT OF FUN.

“Dean Gaffney said ‘Just go for it, you’ll really enjoy it.’ I trust his judgement he’s a shrewd fella, he’s a clever guy, and if he can live through his fears then so can I God dammit!”
We love Dean Gaffney as much as the next celebrity blog but trusting his judgment and calling him shrewd and clever is just wrong.

J from Five
"I’ve spent the past five or six years with like various philosophies."
Says it all really doesn't it?

Gemma Atkinson
“I’m just hoping I don’t do anything or you know get in bed with anybody when I’m asleep.”
We don't think Malcolm would mind to be honest.

“I’m hoping the public will see a genuine more normal side to me as opposed to my glamorous posing semi naked side."
Oh the glamour of getting your tits out in The Sun!

John Burton Race
“If I get desperate for protein and real food I’ll just kill one of the celebrities, chop them up and eat them.”
Erm okay...

Janice Dickinson
“I’ve been around the world, I’ve eaten monkey brain"
Delightful!

Lynne Franks
"I’m doing it for women everywhere really.”
If only they knew who you were they'd probably be very grateful.

Rodney Marsh
"When things are going great in a friend's relationship I’ll always find a way to sabotage."
What a lovely chap!

Anna Ryder Richardson
“I will keep my pants on very tight all the time. Don’t care what I look like.”
Why?!

"I wanted to learn how to make an igloo out of a palm tree.”
What?!!?

Right, I give up, this programme is going to be far too confusing.