Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Now, 'Judith Chalmers' and 'going commando' are two concepts one would never, ever want to see combined in a single sentence — but, horribly, the sunbaked travel veteran has revealed she never wore knickers in her 30 years as a host on Wish You Were Here.
Ewww, ewww and thrice ewww. Celebritish remembers watching this programme as a small child, dreaming of having such a cushy job in adult life. Perhaps, had we taken to foresaking our underwear, that life could have been ours! Dammit!
Apparently the reason for losing the pants was to avoid VPL - a practical solution we're sure you'll agree. It got us thinking about whether other celeb hosts do the same. Is Jonathan Ross swinging free? Richard and Judy? Russell Brand (well that one kind of goes without saying)? A nation needs to know!
Perhaps owing to her fondness for maintaining proximity to extremely rich men, everyone's favourite golddigging harridan Heather 'Mucca' Mills is set to appear in the US's version of Celebrity Apprentice.
Well, there's certainly no denying that she's damn good at making money, in her own unconventional way...
Donald Trump has already reportedly declared that he "really likes her" and is "into the idea" - what is it with rich men and character judgement, and, more to the point, could Heather be lining up Old Loaded Fool mk 2 with this smart career move? Trust us, Macca was just the starter.
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Celebritish spent yesterday evening on the beach, checking out the ladies and toning our abs. No pain, no gain, and all that.
What we didn't realise was that the event was being captured by an evil paparazzi photographer hiding in the bushes. Today we turn on the computer to see the pictures (see above) splashed all over the internet. How do you wretched photographers sleep at night?
News reaches us that George Sampson from Britain's Got Talent 'could go blind any day'.
George, the boy who dances slightly out of time to Mint Royale songs - as opposed to the dog who dances in time to the James Bond theme tune - has revealed that he has a rare disease called Uveitis which can under certain circumstances cause blindness (Wiki says if its discovered early, prognosis is good).
We would have more sympathy but we're getting sick of this kid's moaning. First it was the rather dramatic 'Docs Say I Must Never Dance Again' (the day after this, his participation in the Britain's Got Talent tour was announced), now it's 'I Could Go Blind Any Day' (cue a lucrative Specsavers contract - presumably).
Could it be that we've found a candidate for the coveted 'Pop Culture's Most Fragile Person' award? To be fair, that twat out of Keane has been hogging it for the last 5 years.
Celebritish had to shed a slight tear (of mirth) upon reading the dreadful news that 40,000 Katie Price and Peter Andre albums have been discovered rotting and covered in bird shit.
We particularly like this quote from the finder, who chose to remain nameless: "I thought I’d stumbled on a stash of Coldplay’s new album ready for sending out, so I was gutted when I saw it was some rubbish Jordan and Peter Andre tried to get in the charts. "
Mainly for the fact that the MOST EXCITING thing he could possibly imagine the mystery find to be was the new Coldplay album.
Anyway, a more apt fate we can barely imagine, and there's something especially satisfying about it because Jord and Pete strike us as such an obsessively, shinily clean couple. The yin to Wino's yang. Speaking of whom, apparently she's going to be kept in hospital for as long as it takes her to quit The Drugs. We estimate that to be exactly as long as she stays in hospital and not a day beyond that. Still, nice to see an unnamed "source" giving the tabs a run for their money in the punning stakes: "There is a feeling her family can have a good crack at sorting her out this time." Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it Gordon Smart!
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Celebritish had a rare opportunity yesterday to sample the delights of the Richard And Judy show - and speaking of all things Dick Madeley, we thoroughly recommend "his" blog. Hee-larious reading, we think you'll agree.
Anyway, there was an interesting debate about gayness featuring Celebrity Comedy Gay Stephen K Amos, which came to the shocking conclusion that gay people are all different and therefore should not be stereotyped. Verily, Celebritish was shocked at this revelation.
Then we were treated to a taster of an interview with Keira Knightley and Matthew Rhys, stars of upcoming Dylan Thomas biopic The Edge Of Love. And guess what darling Keira was banging on about this time? Yes, her weight, her struggle with her natural thinness (Celebritish can sympathise here) and how the papers are mean to her. Apparently her publicist called her to tell her one paper had written 'the worst thing she'd ever read about anyone'. She clearly doesn't share a publicist with Heather Mills, then.
Matthew Rhys then backed up Keira's 'I eat like a horse, honest' claims, declaring that she and Sienna Miller 'inhaled puddings' on the film set. Is this some crazy new LA diet craze about which we've yet to hear?
Friday, 2 May 2008
And lo! Celebritish is back in action. We don't want to share the horrific details of what's been going on to stop us writing, but suffice to say we managed to escape from the cellar and Rik Waller is safely in police custody.
As we reaccustom ourselves to the sunlight and, more importantly, the vagaries of the celebrity world, we are intrigued to find that the latest pair of celebrities to be sharing a bit of platonic (we assume) manlove are Mark Ronson and Simon LeBon. And might we say what a lovely couple they make.
While Ronson speaks of his love for Duran Duran and confesses "I used to take a picture of John Taylor with me to the barber shop" (who does he take a picture of now, Celebritish wonders?) Le Bon takes it to a whole new stage. Yes, he's verily overflowing with adoration for the man Ronson.
"He looks great in a well cut suit, and has the blood and voice of an Englishman", he declares in a way that kind of makes us vaguely think of the BNP in a slightly disconcerting way.
While no one could argue Mark looks pretty damn fine in a suit (heck, Mark would look pretty damn fine in a bin bag), the Englishness of his blood and his voice are rather more debatable surely?
Oh yeah, and they're doing a concert in Paris or something...
Thursday, 6 March 2008
Poor old Daniel Bedingfield. Proving fame is a fickle mistress indeed, Bedders was nearly turned away from the Paper shiteclub because the bouncers had not a clue who he was. Lucky old bouncers, eh?
When Dan decided he'd Gotta Get Thru This queue of ordinary folk by exploiting his ever-waning celebrity status, the bouncers told him: "If You're Not The One you ain't comin' in."
Finally, however, the bouncers relented and let him in. Maybe he wore them down by singing at them, like when the Americans played the Barney The Dinosaur theme tune on repeat to weaken terror suspects.
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Here is Jordan launching her new range of underwear in London.
What she wants us to think: Jordan is breaking down the walls of oppression that keep 'normal people' out of the media. Lets go and buy some pants! Hooray!
What we really think: Jordan is posing with some fat people for a picture that the tabloid hacks can add a comedy caption to, therefore helping her shift thousands of pairs of ugly knickers.
The funny thing is, despite the fact she would have asked for less attractive models to make her look better, most of the girls actually look more attractive than her. It's backfired, just like when the average-looking kid takes his ugly mate to the disco only for the ugly one to get the girl. In your face Jordan!
Distressing news from the set of the new Harry Potter, where poor little Danny Radcliffe is under armed guard after receiving death threats.
We've always had a soft spot for Daniel, and can't imagine who would do such a nasty thing, but we'd suggest the police turn their investigations toward Lord Voldemort... we've heard bad things about that guy.
On the day Kate Moss and her ilk are condemned by the UN for their irresponsible rock'n'roll behaviour it's revealed that she has a pair of skeletons in her hallway.
As ever, there is a comedically challenged 'friend' to relay the story to the press:
"She wants to paint one set with her face beaming down and the other with Jamie [Hince]'s mug. It'll look hilarious."
Truly showing respect for the deceased she has so far painstakingly arranged them in the missionary position and will be working her way through the Karma Sutra with her boney friends.
Can you imagine being a poor old corpse? If you're not being degraded by Gunther von Hagens you're being humiliated by Kate Moss. Celebritish are considering starting a campaign to give back dignity to cadavers with the provisional name Save Our Skeletons.
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Well, you can say a lot of things about Chantelle Houghton, she of Celebrity Big Brother 'fame', but none of those things would involve the words 'class', 'intelligence' or 'dignity'.
Pictured in a typically delightful pose in the Sun, she spills the beans on her new fella, renowned woman-beater Tony Richardson. You know, the one who left bruises all over Jennifer Ellison. What a catch. Still, you can't fault Chantelle's logic. She said:
'I like to take people on face value. He's fit. He's not in prison so it's not like he could've done anything that bad... I'm not going to waste time thinking about how I feel about it.'
At least we think she did - her words were slightly obscured by the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst spinning in her grave.
Ah well, at least he's 'fit on face value' hey? What a lucky girl...
By the way, this is Tony in all his glory - form an orderly queue ladies.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Here is Daniel Bedingfield rocking the red carpet on Saturday night at the Black Entertainment Television launch party. Quite why he was there we don't know, as far as we're aware he isn't black or entertaining but don't quote us on that.
We're still waiting for news on his next album but if this sartorial faux pas is anything to go by we're expecting an Arctic-Monkeys-living-on-the-streets kind of vibe, with a bit of Charlie Chaplin chucked in for good measure.
Strangely there was no mention of his rather unsuccessful foray into construction work last week which resulted in the destruction of a luxury home in Broadstairs.
Friday, 29 February 2008
Yesterday, Suzanne Shaw of Hear'Say and Dancing On Ice fame recieved the honour of being made Celebrity Mum of The Year (sponsored by Le Redoute).
We thought we'd take a look back at the history of the prestigious award and which shining examples of maternal love and nurturing it has been bestowed upon previously.
Last year, the prize (sponsored by Grattan this time) was won by a woman who rarely gets the accolades she deserves. Jordan, also known as Katie Price, likes to keep away from the limelight so little is known about her. What we do know is that she is the kind of caring person who will dedicate every waking hour to ensure her children grow up well-adjusted and as normal they can in the crazy world of showbiz.
The year before that, Sharon Osbourne received the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award from Freemans. Sharon proved what a caring mother she was when she forked out for all of her children to go to rehab to deal with drug addictions they had acquired whilst underage at clubs in LA with 'the wrong crowd'. Kids, eh?
In 2005, Celebrity Mum Of The Year, this time sponsored by Quality Street, was awarded to Kerry Katona. Kerry, best known for her lucrative deal with OK! magazine has always put her family first - giving her unborn babies a little pick me up with a beer and a fag and topping up their college fund with staged paparazzi shoots. But she was cruelly branded "Most Irritating Individual In Britain" by milk substitute (?!) 'Lactofree'. Those milk-hating fascists can shut up! Are they mum of the year 2005? No they are not!
Ulrika Jonsson was Mum Of The Year 2004. She certainly can't be accused of embarassing her children by shagging Sven Goran Eriksson, John Leslie, Stan Collymore, a camera man, Hunter from The Gladiators, an Afghan sheep farmer, Tiny Tim, that bloke off of the Cillit Bang adverts etc. And confessing to being a sex addict. Also calling one of your children Bo is a beautiful tribute to your grandfather, not an open invitation to any bullies to flush your child's head down the toilet.
For some reason in 2003 the powers that be decided to give the award to Melinda Messenger. Some people might be taken in by her "Ooh I'm so lovely" act but we've seen footage of her revealing herself as a fan of George Galloway on This Morning. Is there any worse condemnation of a person's character?
Proving that she truly deserves the accolade, Kerry Katona won Mum Of The Year in 2002 as well as 2005. Here she is pictured with her mother, you know, the one who shagged Kerry's boyfriend and introduced her to booze and drugs. Who would have thought Kerry would rise above this and become a successful mother, celebrity and novelist?
America might have the Oscars, but we have the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award (next year to be sponsored by Spam?) and we're bloody proud of it.
It's been reported that pikey clothes-horse Moss is attempting for the thousandth time to give up her precious cancer sticks.
This time she is resorting to sticking more and more Nicotine patches to her tiny frame, increasingly resembling a painting by Georges Braque.
The 'source' quoted in the story sounds like a card!!!!@@!!!
"If anyone else asks for one [a nicotine patch], she sells them for £1.50. People are very surprised when she tries to charge them for one... The look on their faces when she says she has to make some spare cash somehow is hilarious!"
Yes, I can imagine the amusement on the faces of the poor little plebs lumbered with the job of trowling concealer into her facial crevices when she - a seriously overpaid supermodel - won't even spare a nicotine patch to help them give up the fags.
Next week Kate makes a homeless man dance for 10p.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Well, the Spice Girls have come to the end of their world tour.
And, from the look on Victoria's face as the girls shared a 'spontaneous' group hug, not a moment too soon...
On their website, the girls posted: "There are tears of both sadness and joy." Really?
This story has a definite whiff of bullshit about it - we don't really believe that Doherty, for all his faults, would be a prima donna about which angle he is photographed from.
But we just can't help liking the idea of celebrities being attacked by kittens.
Maybe there's a far more innocent explanation for those scratches all over Winehouse - she's just been playing with A LOT of kittens.
Picture this: you're Mark Ronson. You put trumpets on people's songs, and the crowds love it. You're the height of cool, you've been (inexplicably) awarded the Brit for Best Male Solo Artist, and you have every Tom, Dick and Harry willing to sell their grandmothers for you to sprinkle some of that Ronson magic over their musical efforts. The world truly is your oyster.
So, why the hell would you decide to work with the Kaiser Chiefs? A charmless band who are well past their prime, and whose prime wasn't even very good?
*Celebritish exclusive!: Kaiser Chiefs' new album to feature "lots of trumpets".*
Today, Celebritish has to make a truly shameful confession. Yes, readers, we agree with something that Piers Morgan said. We know, a shocking revelation.
Piers, you see, has told beautiful misery-guts Keira Knightley to stop 'er whining.
He comments: "She moans about being famous then does endless photo sessions. You can't use the media to promote yourself and then attack them! My message to Keira is, 'If you'd like me to get off your case, then stop bleating'."
Keira has been known to bleat the following: "Australian Aborigines say that with every photo that is taken, a piece of your soul goes with it. And there are some days when I kind of believe it."
Presumably not the days when she did this, this, or this. And we're fairly sure it wasn't her soul the photographers were interested in capturing.
They're very nice pics, undoubtedly, but we don't think the Aboriginals would approve...
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Celebritish were somewhat perturbed yesterday to read of Blur drummer Dave Rowntree's bid to become a Labour MP.
Now, Alex James's cheese farming we could deal with - food is the new rock n' roll after all, and cheese is one of the more decadent foodstuffs.
And Damon Albarn's foray into opera was okay because it was based on that funny old TV series with the whistling monkey.
But Dave as a Labour MP?? The cheeky boys we knew and loved as teenagers are now well and truly part of the establishment it seems. It came as a shock to us that he's 43 years old, too. Terrifying.
Oh dear, we'll be asking teenagers to "turn that racket down" next...
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Well, Celebritish did our blogging duty and sat through the Brits last night — it was a bit awkward and stilted until the end when it all got shambolic and pissed — so at least it had that authentic party vibe.
Here are some observations, in no particular order of importance:
Ozzy screwing up the Paul McCartney introduction was hilarious, as was the revelaton (by Sharon) of the fact that Ozzy listens to Macca's music every day of his life. Sweet lord, no wonder he is the way he is!
When Mika opened the show, it might have been just us, but we could have sworn we actually saw the pound signs lighting up his admittedly rather beautiful eyes as he marvelled at the Marketing Opportunity opening the Brits entails and thought of all the units that would be shifted as a consequence, "Ker-CHING" indeed, Mika!
We have to thank the awards for exploding two bizarrely commonly held myths last night: the myths that Chris Moyles and Allen Carr are funny people. Sadly, Vic Reeves, who used to be quite amusing, also demonstrated that he has undoubtedly had his funny bone removed. Drunkenness is no excuse Reeves, you can be drunk and funny, in fact the two are quite happy bedfellows most of the time.
The people who did the lightshow for the Klaxons/Rihanna "mash-up" were very talented - it looked amazing. When the only thing you notice about a performance is the lightshow, though... :-(
Adele declared: "Speeches are boring". Tell that to Churchill and Luther King, madam! Still, she made a good effort at proving the point with her own speech.
Ozzy introduced Kaiser Chiefs as "Kaiser Cheese". Which is about right in our opinion - a smelly old cheese that's past its sell by date too.
Kelly introduced Kylie as someone who's "been making great pop since the Nineties". Since the 90s, Kelly?! Does I Should Be So Lucky mean nothing to you?!?! For shame!!
Mark Ronson is a producer, not a solo artist - is he treated as one because he looks pretty and is cool? Interestingly, despite his gorgeousness and coolness, the guy has zero stage presence, as he proved when he took to the stage to play half-assed guitar behind some singers. Oh yeah, one of those singers was Winehouse. Jury's out on how her recovery's going, she certainly seemed a little "edgy" and was over-singing somewhat, but was basically pretty good, we thought. Bad sign that she asked the crowd to "give it up for my husband" though - why, exactly? For being in prison and having nothing whatsoever to do with British music? Woo, yeah, Blake! Hurrah, encore!
The choreography for Leona Lewis's performance was quite simply deranged, and probably the funniest thing in a show sorely lacking in good jokes. Leona managed not to laugh though, and did put in probably the best performance of the night. She might have no personality, but she sure as heck has star quality and a cracking pair of lungs.
The non-stop Brit school mentions surely had the reverse of the intended effect, unless the intended effect was to make everyone bored beyond belief with the Brit school and get it roundly mocked by a drunken Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, who pretended he was also a graduate of the Selhurst stage school - to minimal comic effect.
Paul McCartney's Everybody's Gonna Dance Tonight is truly the most terrible song ever written, and made us wish that the ultra-realistic firebomb explosions that accompanied his following number Live And Let Die were actually happening.
So, that was the Brits that was. Not a triumph, nor a shambles. Here's hoping next year it'll make it's mind up one way or t'other!
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
Housewives' (and some househusbands', let's not discriminate) favourite Michael Ball has been given his very own Radio 2 show.
Controller Lesley Douglas explains: "His warmth and sense of humour make him perfect Sunday morning company."
"Good Sunday morning company", perhaps, but "perfect Sunday morning company" status is reserved for those who, on top of the warmth and humour, also provide alka seltzers, fry-ups and Simpsons DVDs.
Michael adds: "I hope listeners will make a regular date to have lunch with me on Sunday." Oooh, Michael, you are a tease!
Yes, it's the day of the Lord... Michael Ball's on the radio... so safe... so wholesome... Celebritish have come out in hives! Where's Katona when you need her? Now there's a woman whose warmth and sense of humour make her perfect Sunday morning company - Lesley, get her on the phone now!
Friday, 15 February 2008
One of our serious bugbears here at Celebritish is celebs getting 'political', and Vivienne Westwood's London Fashion Week show last night is a prime example.
Models wearing 'fair trial my arse' pants strutted blankly up and down the catwalk bearing banners asking for 'Justice For The Prisoners In Guantanamo Bay'. Now, we're no lovers of Guantanamo Bay ourselves, but hell, there's a time and a place for protest and a fashion show isn't it. It's hardly an industry renowned for its moral rectitude, and anyway we don't want to be reminded of waterboarding while we're looking at pretty clothes, thanks, it just makes all this fashion stuff seem a bit, I don't know, trivial?
Say what you like about politicians, at least they do us the honour of not pretending to be clued up on the world of couture. That said, Gordon's looking seriously fashion-forward at the moment... takes years off him!
Thursday, 14 February 2008
News annoyance Natasha Kaplinsky has revealed in a Times Interview that her alternating hairstyles have a fabulous effect on her marriage. Apparently, going to bed with straight hair and waking up with curls makes her husband "feel like he's sleeping with two different women".
We can imagine this really is quite a boon, considering any man having to spend every night of his life with Natasha Kaplinsky would surely be fervently wishing to wake up next to someone, anyone else.
News reaches Celebritish Towers that Ant and Dec have an exciting new sponsor in Birds Eye.
It's interesting, isn't it, that a frozen food company should choose to sponsor a show called Saturday Night Takeaway — the title subconsciously encourages viewers to get a takeaway, surely? Thus rendering it ultimately less likely they'll be cracking open the Birds Eye to feed their lazy faces while they vegetate in front of the gogglebox and miss out on all the opportunities to live a little that leaving the house on a Saturday evening might provide.
Ah, the complications of our modern world...
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
Ever head out of a Saturday night and find yourself thinking, 'You know, I just don't look slutty or cheap enough?'
You do? Well then, do we have news for you!
Yes, Aisleyne Horgan Wallace has launched her very own clothing range!
And may we say, if all the dresses are as lovely as the one in the picture on the website, we'll be buying in bulk!
Still, at least the girl is actually wearing clothes, unlike in most of the other pictures of her we've come across (so to speak).
We actually secretly quite like Aisleyne, especially after finding out she's friends with godlike genius Charlie Brooker (whose Valentine's piece in yesterday's Guardian had us laughing and cringing out loud), but never, ever would we want to live in a world where people dress like her.
Natalie Cole, general has-been and clinger on to the shadow of her dad Nat King's legend, has slammed the Grammys for letting Winehouse win.
Cole, who battled her own drug problems in the past, said: "You don't get to do your drugs and go onstage and get rewarded. It sends a bad message."
Well, sure, why don't we just give the music awards to clean-living folk, they do tend to make the most interesting music after all, don't they? Imagine, a world where Westlife swept the boards at everything from the Brits to the Novellos (though frankly Celebritish isn't quite convinced that even they're not on something, did you SEE the Uptown Girl video?)
Awards should go to whoever the judges deem to have done the best song, album, or whatever, and that's the end of it. Clearly Natalie Cole's brain has gone wrong since she quit the drugs.
We're not sure quite why Sophie Anderton has chosen to reveal the foul secrets of rehab to Closer, and we can't quite say we're glad she has, frankly.
Apparently: "You take tablets and when you do a poo you're given chop sticks to look at it. I discovered I had part of a tapeworm in me and it must have been there for ages . They think I might have got it from eating my steak rare."
This would be rather more likely to put you off rare steak than deter you from the delights of the naughty salt surely? Still, with the amount of dodgy trouser snakes Sophie's reportedly had in her, one little worm shouldn't make all that much difference.
She added, "I don't need the showbiz world."
Yes, you read correctly, she told a journalist for showbiz magazine Closer: "I don't need the showbiz world." Evidently!
Friday, 8 February 2008
Now we at Celebritish are all for equality, obviously, but we can't wholeheartedly condone Lenny Henry's complaints about racism in the world of television.
It's an important issue, no doubt, and one that needs discussing. Nonetheless, someone needs to tell poor Lenny that if he's being passed over for work, it really is nothing to do with the "black" thing, and everything to do with the "about as funny as a fire in an orphanage" thing.
Celebritish caught up with a good, and anonymous, friend last night, who has been spending some time hanging with the Strictly Come Dancing tour "massive".
After a quick chat, we can officially reveal two things:
Zoe Ball is "one of the nicest women in the world".
Matt di Angelo is "absolutely, unbelievably gorgeous".
You heard it here first! Though you might have come to that conclusion about Matt even without the first hand knowledge, admittedly.
X Factor personality-void Leona Lewis has revealed that she thinks violence is all part and parcel of a normal London upbringing.
She reveals: "Most of my friends have beet shot, stabbed or beaten up."
Jesus, they must be an annoying bunch!
Seriously, though, it's a little harsh for a girl from Hackney to tar all of our fine city with the same brush. Celebritish grew up in London (well, Zone 5) and the nearest we came to violence was a spot of violent vomiting after one too many Diamond Whites.
Anyway, Hackney is perfectly safe, because this lot say so, and MPs are a trustworthy bunch aren't they?
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Did we really need Carnation Footcare to tell us that more of the fine British public would like to play footsie with Kylie than with Pete Doherty? Well, no, we didn't - that's really a no-brainer, regardless of which gender floats your boat, isn't it?
Apparently this proves that when it comes to ladies' feet, smaller is better - except it doesn't, because we'd still like to play footsie with Kylie if she was hiding a pair of size nines, whereas if we found out Anne Widdecombe had dainty size two tootsies, we still wouldn't.
Not that she was in the poll - the only nod to politics was Dave Cameron, who got no votes at all. Most harsh - Celebritish think he looks like a man familiar with the joys of a good pedicure. And rather him than Gordon, surely?