Kate Moss makes skeletons have sex

On the day Kate Moss and her ilk are condemned by the UN for their irresponsible rock'n'roll behaviour it's revealed that she has a pair of skeletons in her hallway.

As ever, there is a comedically challenged 'friend' to relay the story to the press:

"She wants to paint one set with her face beaming down and the other with Jamie [Hince]'s mug. It'll look hilarious."

Yes, 'hilarious'.

Truly showing respect for the deceased she has so far painstakingly arranged them in the missionary position and will be working her way through the Karma Sutra with her boney friends.

Can you imagine being a poor old corpse? If you're not being degraded by Gunther von Hagens you're being humiliated by Kate Moss. Celebritish are considering starting a campaign to give back dignity to cadavers with the provisional name Save Our Skeletons.

Kate Moss wants to escape the big smoke

It's been reported that pikey clothes-horse Moss is attempting for the thousandth time to give up her precious cancer sticks.

This time she is resorting to sticking more and more Nicotine patches to her tiny frame, increasingly resembling a painting by Georges Braque.

The 'source' quoted in the story sounds like a card!!!!@@!!!

"If anyone else asks for one [a nicotine patch], she sells them for £1.50. People are very surprised when she tries to charge them for one... The look on their faces when she says she has to make some spare cash somehow is hilarious!"

Yes, I can imagine the amusement on the faces of the poor little plebs lumbered with the job of trowling concealer into her facial crevices when she - a seriously overpaid supermodel - won't even spare a nicotine patch to help them give up the fags.

Next week Kate makes a homeless man dance for 10p.

Kate goes at it for 34 hours straight

We suppose we can't ignore Kate Moss's birthday bender — or stifle our giggles at the fact she didn't make it the intended 34 hours, instead crashing after a mere 18. Amateur!

We must admit we're quite jealous of the party-an-hour-for-each-year-of-your-life idea, and wish we'd had it first. What's more, if we did it we would resist the temptation to dress up as the lovechild of Simon and the Witch and Noddy Holder. This is one Moss look we can not see catching on.

Pete Doherty is scum: yet more proof

Yes, just when you thought he couldn't get any scuzzier, Pete Doherty has apparently negotiated a £50k deal with ITV2 to dish the dirt on his relationship with La Moss.

£50k is a lot of money, and considering we're talking about a man who'll play a full gig for a bag of chips and 10p change for the phone, one can only imagine that what ITV2 will get out of him for their money will be pretty juicy. And one would be right:

Pete is considering handing over hours' worth of private video footage that the pair had filmed together. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else. She'll be furious and feel massively betrayed."

Nice. We're not particular fans of Kate's, but this is shitty behaviour by anyone's standards. We don't know who should feel grubbier: Pete or ITV2. Still, obviously we'll be watching avidly for material to mock on the blog, so perhaps now is not the time to take the moral high ground!

You can take the girl out of Croydon...

Kate Moss has proved that, while she might be a multi-millionaire rock-star shagger, she's still a bit of a chav at heart.

Yes, according to reports, she has a passion for The X-Factor.

Come on Kate, firstly, as a zeitgeist-straddling, party-loving supermodel you're letting the side down by staying in on a Saturday evening. However, we'll reluctantly concede that as the mother of a young child you probably should spend the odd night at home.

But as someone who's renowned for instinctively knowing what's cool, why oh why The X-Factor? Any fule knows it's all about Strictly these days! Get with the programme, Moss.

If the wind changes you'll be stuck like it

What the heck is up with celebs' faces this week? Lily Allen's looking even more monged than usual, and check out Kelly O - who'd have thought she'd be auditioning for Shaun of the Dead 2, eh?

Seriously girls, there's no excuse - I don't care how much gak you might be on, Kate Moss managed to sustain a world class habit and never look anything less than ravishing in the following day's tabloids.

So shoulders back, chests up, big smiles and say cheese!

Kate