Pete attacked by kitten

This story has a definite whiff of bullshit about it - we don't really believe that Doherty, for all his faults, would be a prima donna about which angle he is photographed from.

But we just can't help liking the idea of celebrities being attacked by kittens.

Maybe there's a far more innocent explanation for those scratches all over Winehouse - she's just been playing with A LOT of kittens.

Miaow!

Pointless survey alert!

Did we really need Carnation Footcare to tell us that more of the fine British public would like to play footsie with Kylie than with Pete Doherty? Well, no, we didn't - that's really a no-brainer, regardless of which gender floats your boat, isn't it?

Apparently this proves that when it comes to ladies' feet, smaller is better - except it doesn't, because we'd still like to play footsie with Kylie if she was hiding a pair of size nines, whereas if we found out Anne Widdecombe had dainty size two tootsies, we still wouldn't.

Not that she was in the poll - the only nod to politics was Dave Cameron, who got no votes at all. Most harsh - Celebritish think he looks like a man familiar with the joys of a good pedicure. And rather him than Gordon, surely?

Pete Doherty: My chafed nipple hell

The Daily Star really do come up with some nonsense but a story this morning tickled us.

Pete Doherty has taken to wearing his girlfriend's bras out on the town.

Okay, so it might be while he's jogging to train for the Marathon which he intends to run with his new bird. And yes, he is wearing the bra due to the sensitive nature of his nips, but still, its a funny story. While most rockers get groupies to chew on their pierced nipples as they perform vile sex acts, Pete has to wear a bra to protect them when he goes jogging. Bless!

A thought, sore nipples are quite common during pregancy? Perhaps Pete is jumping on the celeb bandwagon and has got himself up the duff!

THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?


a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.


For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

He's a scumbag doncha know

Amy Winehouse's pop Mitch has gone radio rental at Pete Doherty, branding him a "scumbag" and ALLEGEDLY hitting him with a guitar for hanging around his daughter and being a bad influence.

Frankly, we doubt Pete's bad influence potential in this particular instance — compared to Winehouse he looks like a member of Same Difference — and not even the male one.

Still, considering every other Doherty story lately is about him being hit with various objects or fists, perhaps he should be questioning why this seems to happen so frequently and modify his behaviour accordingly. Dickhead.

We like this bit though: Mitch apparently added that Blake, Amy's incarcerated hubby (and one of the few other people who could be branded a higher form of scumbag than Mr Doherty) "has been asking for Amy's help to improve in a number of ways, and that's good to hear." Er, really? Is she the best person to ask for life tips? Perhaps a new career beckons for Amy as a motivational guru. She could present You Are What You Snort, or How To Look Good Wasted. Channel 4 commissioners, we await your call.

Pete Doherty is scum: yet more proof

Yes, just when you thought he couldn't get any scuzzier, Pete Doherty has apparently negotiated a £50k deal with ITV2 to dish the dirt on his relationship with La Moss.

£50k is a lot of money, and considering we're talking about a man who'll play a full gig for a bag of chips and 10p change for the phone, one can only imagine that what ITV2 will get out of him for their money will be pretty juicy. And one would be right:

Pete is considering handing over hours' worth of private video footage that the pair had filmed together. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else. She'll be furious and feel massively betrayed."

Nice. We're not particular fans of Kate's, but this is shitty behaviour by anyone's standards. We don't know who should feel grubbier: Pete or ITV2. Still, obviously we'll be watching avidly for material to mock on the blog, so perhaps now is not the time to take the moral high ground!

Drug dealer does Celebritish's bidding

Yes, a nasty wrong'un has had the pleasure of punching Peter Doherty Esquire square in the (moon) face. And it didn't happen in a nasty north London hell hole like you'd expect, but in a pub in Pete's new home town, the peaceful, rural Marlborough in Wiltshire.

There seems to be some disagreement about what it was over, with witnesses saying it was about drugs and Pete's management saying that's bollocks, but to be fair it does sound like a nasty man picked on Petey without good reason, so we can't applaud such mindless violence (much).

Still, our favourite bit is this quote from the landlord: "He had been enjoying a quiet pint on his own, just him and his cat."

Um, what? Celebritish are cat lovers ourselves, but taking a kitty down the boozer is a step too far. Still, for a cat more used to the crack den we suppose it's a lesser evil.

Celebritish's big celebrity predictions

Receiving a press release about upcoming T4 programme Celebrity Predictions, hosted by rent-a-twat Dave Berry, got us thinking. What on earth does lie in store for our favourite celebrities in the coming year? Or even our unfavourite celebrities, such as those covered in the show: Winehouse, Doherty, Chantelle, Preston, Wills and Kate?

Well, here goes. Look back on this post in a year and marvel at our extreme psychic-ness:

Winehouse: certain death

Doherty: not death, he appears immune to it. Instead, he'll successfully kick the drugs, and take his music in a more poppy direction. A collaboration with Booty Luv sends him to number one with a bullet!

Chantelle: obscurity (we hope). Pregnancy by a fellow Z-list celebrity, leading to an annoyingly lucrative photoshoot with some rubbish magazine (more likely).

Preston: outrages Ordinary Boys fans by taking the band in a death metal direction and changing his name to Gerhardt Gutrot. Outrages non-Ordinary Boys fans by continuing to exist and make music at all.

Wills and Kate: Wills' well-publicised baldness will have him tortured by thoughts of ageing and his own mortality so we're guessing: engagement! Let's all buy hats!

Pete: Not dreaming of a brown Christmas with Amy

Pete has been bragging about his new friendship with Wino in the papers again today.

As he arrived with his now trademark black eye for the latest court review of his rehab he confessed he'd been stalking... sorry talking to Amy every day since Blake Fielder Civil was locked away.

He suggested Blake and Amy are now clean – which sounds unlikely but possible – and that "love, music and melody is the way forward.”

Oh Pete, you old romantic, if they really are the way forward, then you, without a lady on the scene and an allergy to melody must be currently going backwards. This would explain your new addiction which seems to be getting filmed by The Sun snorting anything you can get his grubby little hands on.

Asked how his rehabilitation was going as he left the court he said he's "not dreaming of a white or a brown Christmas.”
All we're dreaming of here at Celebritish is one day without a mention of Amy and Pete in the papers. It doesn't seem likely though does it?

Cheryl vs. Pete

Cheryl Tweedy-Cole has decided it's been a few too many seconds since she last slagged off a poor unsuspecting celebrity so the gloves are back off and this time poor old Pete is in the firing line:

"Pete Doherty is not a poet. He writes shit. He is a waste of fresh air. Why is he such a genius? Because he went out with Kate Moss?"

Very succinct Chezza, but there are few flaws to your argument.
Firstly, how can a woman who (allegedly) finds words like "jiggerboo" acceptable to use to describe toilet attendants possibly comment on use of the English language?
Secondly, say what you like about Doherty but I think the fact a rat-faced, pot-bellied, spotty, geeky junkie managed to pull a supermodel does indeed prove he is a genius, a misunderstood genius. Go Pete!

Oh, for Pete's sake...

We've already covered the fact that Pete Doherty is minging, but this morning it emerges that he's also mourning.

No, his cat hasn't died of the long-awaited crack overdose, what he's mourning is, um, his heroin habit. See, Pete, most people who manage to kick a debilitating and quite possibly deadly habit such as yours at least have the decency to be proud of themselves for managing it. We just knew the clean, sensible, go-getting Doherty wasn't going to last.

Pete went on to say that he fully expects to be arrested again, commenting: 'The chances of me not getting arrested again once in the next 18 months are quite slim really — the way the Old Bill are.'

Funny, but we at Celebritish have managed to pass every 18 month period of our lives thus far entirely arrest-free (we'll gloss-over the teen shoplifting incidents...) The way we manage this remarkable feat is by not mooching around town with our ill-tailored pockets full to bursting with Class A narcs. Give it a try, Pete old chum.

Pete Doherty is at Number 1!

Unfortunately for Pete this isn't a chart of the coolest underground poets but in fact an online poll to determine the "Worlds Unsexiest Men" (congrats to AOL for the worst named poll of the day).

The only other Brits of note making it in to the top 10 are Simon Cowell – which is a little cruel in our opinion – and James Blunt.

Last month Amy Winehouse came second in a similar poll so its good to see that while the UK music scene might not be setting the world alight, at least we can ming with the best of them!

Pete wants cake — sorry, Kate

Pete Doherty has reportedly dumped his girlfriend Irina Lazareanu. He kicked her to the curb for making a nuisance of herself, apparently. Jeez, you burgling ear-botherer, it takes one to know one.

Apparently "supermodel" Irina (all models are "super" these days, it seems) was following Pete round "like a bad smell" — we hear that a bad smell also follows Pete round like a bad smell, but somehow it doesn't put the chicks off.

Anyway, he's pining for La Moss again, predictably — but will she want him now he's exchanged The Drugs for copious quantities of lard pies? The world waits with baited breath.

Pete Doherty is "good"

With a judicial system like this, it's no wonder the world is going to hell in a handcart.

A judge who decided to let the newly sober Pete head over to Paris for a concert last week has turned out to be a fan of the ex-druggy, commenting that Doherty's song The Blinding has "a good tune".
The judge in question is probably going through a mid-life crisis (or maybe he's deaf) but the fact he let his opinion of a Doherty track influence his judgement is akin to freeing the "swirly paedophile" for being good at Photoshop.

Two of Britain's greatest musicians...

...together at last

News reaches Celebritish Towers today that Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse have recorded a song together.

It gets worse, apparently the ditty is a "ska-type track" which Amy sings and plays guitar on. Even more worrying is that the guitarist who is giving this tantalising insight into the future classic, says "she plays [acoustic guitar] better than James Brown". We can safely assume the studio is fully stocked with illegal substances and this girl has been tucking in, but surely a professional guitar player would know James Brown was less famous for his fretwork than he was for his footwork (and I suppose singing - at a push).