The wisdom of the birds

Celebritish had to shed a slight tear (of mirth) upon reading the dreadful news that 40,000 Katie Price and Peter Andre albums have been discovered rotting and covered in bird shit.

We particularly like this quote from the finder, who chose to remain nameless: "I thought I’d stumbled on a stash of Coldplay’s new album ready for sending out, so I was gutted when I saw it was some rubbish Jordan and Peter Andre tried to get in the charts. "

Mainly for the fact that the MOST EXCITING thing he could possibly imagine the mystery find to be was the new Coldplay album.

Anyway, a more apt fate we can barely imagine, and there's something especially satisfying about it because Jord and Pete strike us as such an obsessively, shinily clean couple. The yin to Wino's yang. Speaking of whom, apparently she's going to be kept in hospital for as long as it takes her to quit The Drugs. We estimate that to be exactly as long as she stays in hospital and not a day beyond that. Still, nice to see an unnamed "source" giving the tabs a run for their money in the punning stakes: "There is a feeling her family can have a good crack at sorting her out this time." Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it Gordon Smart!

Pete attacked by kitten

This story has a definite whiff of bullshit about it - we don't really believe that Doherty, for all his faults, would be a prima donna about which angle he is photographed from.

But we just can't help liking the idea of celebrities being attacked by kittens.

Maybe there's a far more innocent explanation for those scratches all over Winehouse - she's just been playing with A LOT of kittens.

Miaow!

True Brit

Well, Celebritish did our blogging duty and sat through the Brits last night — it was a bit awkward and stilted until the end when it all got shambolic and pissed — so at least it had that authentic party vibe.

Here are some observations, in no particular order of importance:

Ozzy screwing up the Paul McCartney introduction was hilarious, as was the revelaton (by Sharon) of the fact that Ozzy listens to Macca's music every day of his life. Sweet lord, no wonder he is the way he is!

When Mika opened the show, it might have been just us, but we could have sworn we actually saw the pound signs lighting up his admittedly rather beautiful eyes as he marvelled at the Marketing Opportunity opening the Brits entails and thought of all the units that would be shifted as a consequence, "Ker-CHING" indeed, Mika!

We have to thank the awards for exploding two bizarrely commonly held myths last night: the myths that Chris Moyles and Allen Carr are funny people. Sadly, Vic Reeves, who used to be quite amusing, also demonstrated that he has undoubtedly had his funny bone removed. Drunkenness is no excuse Reeves, you can be drunk and funny, in fact the two are quite happy bedfellows most of the time.

The people who did the lightshow for the Klaxons/Rihanna "mash-up" were very talented - it looked amazing. When the only thing you notice about a performance is the lightshow, though... :-(

Adele declared: "Speeches are boring". Tell that to Churchill and Luther King, madam! Still, she made a good effort at proving the point with her own speech.

Ozzy introduced Kaiser Chiefs as "Kaiser Cheese". Which is about right in our opinion - a smelly old cheese that's past its sell by date too.

Kelly introduced Kylie as someone who's "been making great pop since the Nineties". Since the 90s, Kelly?! Does I Should Be So Lucky mean nothing to you?!?! For shame!!

Mark Ronson is a producer, not a solo artist - is he treated as one because he looks pretty and is cool? Interestingly, despite his gorgeousness and coolness, the guy has zero stage presence, as he proved when he took to the stage to play half-assed guitar behind some singers. Oh yeah, one of those singers was Winehouse. Jury's out on how her recovery's going, she certainly seemed a little "edgy" and was over-singing somewhat, but was basically pretty good, we thought. Bad sign that she asked the crowd to "give it up for my husband" though - why, exactly? For being in prison and having nothing whatsoever to do with British music? Woo, yeah, Blake! Hurrah, encore!

The choreography for Leona Lewis's performance was quite simply deranged, and probably the funniest thing in a show sorely lacking in good jokes. Leona managed not to laugh though, and did put in probably the best performance of the night. She might have no personality, but she sure as heck has star quality and a cracking pair of lungs.

The non-stop Brit school mentions surely had the reverse of the intended effect, unless the intended effect was to make everyone bored beyond belief with the Brit school and get it roundly mocked by a drunken Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, who pretended he was also a graduate of the Selhurst stage school - to minimal comic effect.

Paul McCartney's Everybody's Gonna Dance Tonight is truly the most terrible song ever written, and made us wish that the ultra-realistic firebomb explosions that accompanied his following number Live And Let Die were actually happening.

So, that was the Brits that was. Not a triumph, nor a shambles. Here's hoping next year it'll make it's mind up one way or t'other!

Natalie Cole: American Idiot

Natalie Cole, general has-been and clinger on to the shadow of her dad Nat King's legend, has slammed the Grammys for letting Winehouse win.

Cole, who battled her own drug problems in the past, said: "You don't get to do your drugs and go onstage and get rewarded. It sends a bad message."

Well, sure, why don't we just give the music awards to clean-living folk, they do tend to make the most interesting music after all, don't they? Imagine, a world where Westlife swept the boards at everything from the Brits to the Novellos (though frankly Celebritish isn't quite convinced that even they're not on something, did you SEE the Uptown Girl video?)

Awards should go to whoever the judges deem to have done the best song, album, or whatever, and that's the end of it. Clearly Natalie Cole's brain has gone wrong since she quit the drugs.

Wino in rehab - again

Yes, she might say no no no, but Amy's family and record company have said yes yes yes, and she's off to rehab for the fourth time .

Her father Mitch wants her sectioned apparently - come now Mitch, the Zutons cover wasn't THAT bad!

He said: "She thinks she can do what she does and get on with her life". Well, yeah, she's right there really isn't she - just depends how long she wants that life to be...

Can't stop this thing she started

Could this man be the saviour of pop music? Probably not.

But god bless him, not content with supplying Magic FM with songs over the last 20 years, now Bryan Adams is offering to look after Amy Winehouse for Christmas.

The man who presumably won't be reprising his 2000 classic 'Don't Give Up' in her presence, has said he'd happily take her in at his home in Mustique to help clean her up and get her away from the glare of the media. Yes, its the paparazzi that are killing her apparently, not the copious amounts of drugs.

It'll be less a case of 'Baby When You're Gone' and more 'baby when are you not gone?' if she decides to take up the ageing rocker on his offer and head over to the exclusive island for a slap up meal and the obligatory Only Fools And Horses re-run.

We can't work out why Bryan thinks he can succeed where rehab has failed several times, but in the season of good will we'd like to wish him luck!

THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?


a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.


For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

We thought WE were sick...

We've just come across a really rather nasty website on the interwebs. It's called "When Will Amy Winehouse Die?" and it offers an iPod touch to the person who guesses the date of Wino's demise most accurately.

As we approach Christmas, Celebritish are busy decking the halls with bells and holly and putting figs on the tree, and we can't comprehend why anybody would waste their time on such a pathetic excuse for a website (oh, shut up you lot).

Anyway, we are going to combat this boil on the face of technology with a Celebritish Christmas Quiz. We've written all the questions but are being held back by our absolute inabilty to do anything clever.

If anyone reading this knows anything about how to make quizzes in HTML or any other format please let us know — we will be happy to credit you and might even send a Celebritish goodie-bag (yes thats right, we've been sent some proper shit this year). If not, a very half-hearted Smash Hits-style quiz will appear tomorrow.

He's a scumbag doncha know

Amy Winehouse's pop Mitch has gone radio rental at Pete Doherty, branding him a "scumbag" and ALLEGEDLY hitting him with a guitar for hanging around his daughter and being a bad influence.

Frankly, we doubt Pete's bad influence potential in this particular instance — compared to Winehouse he looks like a member of Same Difference — and not even the male one.

Still, considering every other Doherty story lately is about him being hit with various objects or fists, perhaps he should be questioning why this seems to happen so frequently and modify his behaviour accordingly. Dickhead.

We like this bit though: Mitch apparently added that Blake, Amy's incarcerated hubby (and one of the few other people who could be branded a higher form of scumbag than Mr Doherty) "has been asking for Amy's help to improve in a number of ways, and that's good to hear." Er, really? Is she the best person to ask for life tips? Perhaps a new career beckons for Amy as a motivational guru. She could present You Are What You Snort, or How To Look Good Wasted. Channel 4 commissioners, we await your call.

Joy to the world

It seems to be 'Heart-Warming News Day' today which makes a welcome change from the usual barrage of awfulness which fills the papers.

First Amy Winehouse gets nominated for 6 Grammy awards. Admittedly she isn't in a brilliant place on a personal level at the moment (in fact Celebritish finds the whole thing far too depressing to write about these days) but anything that might cheer her up and get her away from Britain is a good thing.

Then Babyshambles turned a no-show from Doherty and the bassist into a jolly old jig, first performing with special guests and then inviting a fan on stage to perform with them. It's apt that the day they actually do something worthwhile is the day idiot junkie doesn't turn up isn't it? By the way, don't panic, we're assured Pete's absence was "not anything to do with drugs being taken", which seems unlikely as his entire life is to do with drugs being taken. Ho hum.


Finally, Victoria Beckham has become honest and humble. We kid you not!

'It became very obvious from the start that I was never going to be the best singer or dancer or actress. I was never a natural. I've never been that good at anything, to be completely honest.'

Argh, we're having trouble with this. How do you take the piss out of someone when they are being so down on themselves. We agree with everything she's saying but we're finding it hard not to feel sorry for her. What is this new emotion Celebritish is feeling? Sympathy, you say? We're suddenly very queazy, can someone open a window?

'People would push me around, say they were going to beat me up after school, chase me. It was miserable, my whole schooling, miserable. They were literally picking stones up out of puddles and throwing them at me.'

Oh god, we can't bear it, who would have thought we could ever feel sorry for Posh? We're going for a lie down.

Celebritish's big celebrity predictions

Receiving a press release about upcoming T4 programme Celebrity Predictions, hosted by rent-a-twat Dave Berry, got us thinking. What on earth does lie in store for our favourite celebrities in the coming year? Or even our unfavourite celebrities, such as those covered in the show: Winehouse, Doherty, Chantelle, Preston, Wills and Kate?

Well, here goes. Look back on this post in a year and marvel at our extreme psychic-ness:

Winehouse: certain death

Doherty: not death, he appears immune to it. Instead, he'll successfully kick the drugs, and take his music in a more poppy direction. A collaboration with Booty Luv sends him to number one with a bullet!

Chantelle: obscurity (we hope). Pregnancy by a fellow Z-list celebrity, leading to an annoyingly lucrative photoshoot with some rubbish magazine (more likely).

Preston: outrages Ordinary Boys fans by taking the band in a death metal direction and changing his name to Gerhardt Gutrot. Outrages non-Ordinary Boys fans by continuing to exist and make music at all.

Wills and Kate: Wills' well-publicised baldness will have him tortured by thoughts of ageing and his own mortality so we're guessing: engagement! Let's all buy hats!

Winehouse, you evil bitch!

It emerges today that not only is Amy Wino a druggy, boozy, shouty wench with disastrous taste in men. No, she's also a murderer of small animals. A "friend" has claimed that she might have dosed his beloved hamster with a fatal amount of crack.

Nice one Amy, clearly taking further lifestyle hints and tips from Doherty, who has been seen passing his cat the crackpipe on occasion. It's not big, it's not clever, and even Celebritish, sick puppies that we are, would dispute that it's funny.

Got us thinking though, how outraged animal-lover (and human-exploiter) Heather Mills would be though. As we know, she prefers to suck milk from rodents' teats, and we're sure she wouldn't want supplies contaminated with narcotics. We'd really love to see Amy and Heather having a fight, and any story that increases the likelihood of this momentous and terrifying event is not all bad.

That said, RIP Georgie Porgie the hamster :-(

Pete: Not dreaming of a brown Christmas with Amy

Pete has been bragging about his new friendship with Wino in the papers again today.

As he arrived with his now trademark black eye for the latest court review of his rehab he confessed he'd been stalking... sorry talking to Amy every day since Blake Fielder Civil was locked away.

He suggested Blake and Amy are now clean – which sounds unlikely but possible – and that "love, music and melody is the way forward.”

Oh Pete, you old romantic, if they really are the way forward, then you, without a lady on the scene and an allergy to melody must be currently going backwards. This would explain your new addiction which seems to be getting filmed by The Sun snorting anything you can get his grubby little hands on.

Asked how his rehabilitation was going as he left the court he said he's "not dreaming of a white or a brown Christmas.”
All we're dreaming of here at Celebritish is one day without a mention of Amy and Pete in the papers. It doesn't seem likely though does it?

Pete Doherty is at Number 1!

Unfortunately for Pete this isn't a chart of the coolest underground poets but in fact an online poll to determine the "Worlds Unsexiest Men" (congrats to AOL for the worst named poll of the day).

The only other Brits of note making it in to the top 10 are Simon Cowell – which is a little cruel in our opinion – and James Blunt.

Last month Amy Winehouse came second in a similar poll so its good to see that while the UK music scene might not be setting the world alight, at least we can ming with the best of them!

Wino "wee-wee"

Hmmm, the Mirror reports today that Amy Winehouse is spending a somewhat excessive time in the toilets at awards ceremonies and airports. We mainly love the way that the Mirror has to say that this must be because she's drinking too much and therefore needing to do a lot of wees. Yes, of course, that must be it, there are no other possible explanations for someone with known drug problems to be spending a long time in a toilet cubicle. None at all...

The horror!

The London Lite reports that some trick-or-treating kiddies surprised Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil in their Camden home last night. After the children got over their shock at the person opening the door wearing such a realistically horrific Halloween outfit, they asked the standard question such an occasion demands.

To our surprise, Amy, in a rare fit of niceness (maybe she was stoned) smiled at them and gave them some sweets. Jesus H, though, they accepted them, and isn't that just cut-and-dried proof that kids these days are idiots? Never mind not accepting sweets off strangers, there should be a whole class at primary school devoted to not accepting sweets off Winehouse. Somewhere in Camden, a group of kids are off sick from school, shaking, itching and drinking tea to soothe an unfamiliar feeling of emptiness and paranoia...

Quickie in the afternoon? No, no, no.

No more hair of the dog for Wino, (and we're not talking about the canine pelt used in her wigs) she's given up drinking before gigs in the hope that it will improve her live performances.
Obviously this new life is treating her well, she looks radiant and cheerful in the picture (above) from Munich yesterday.
The problem with her and Pete becoming clean(er) is that people only ever liked them because they were dangerous and unpredictable, take that away and you have a shy little boy (Doherty) and a lost girl with a nice voice (Winehouse). Sadly I think they'll get back on the good stuff as soon as they realise their careers depend on it.
On a lighter note, perhaps Amy is starting to avoid booze because she's read David "I’d lick Amy's tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue.” Gest is now frequenting her local!

Two of Britain's greatest musicians...

...together at last

News reaches Celebritish Towers today that Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse have recorded a song together.

It gets worse, apparently the ditty is a "ska-type track" which Amy sings and plays guitar on. Even more worrying is that the guitarist who is giving this tantalising insight into the future classic, says "she plays [acoustic guitar] better than James Brown". We can safely assume the studio is fully stocked with illegal substances and this girl has been tucking in, but surely a professional guitar player would know James Brown was less famous for his fretwork than he was for his footwork (and I suppose singing - at a push).