Jordan drops her pants

Here is Jordan launching her new range of underwear in London.

What she wants us to think: Jordan is breaking down the walls of oppression that keep 'normal people' out of the media. Lets go and buy some pants! Hooray!

What we really think: Jordan is posing with some fat people for a picture that the tabloid hacks can add a comedy caption to, therefore helping her shift thousands of pairs of ugly knickers.

The funny thing is, despite the fact she would have asked for less attractive models to make her look better, most of the girls actually look more attractive than her. It's backfired, just like when the average-looking kid takes his ugly mate to the disco only for the ugly one to get the girl. In your face Jordan!

Celebrity Mother Of The Year - A potted history

Yesterday, Suzanne Shaw of Hear'Say and Dancing On Ice fame recieved the honour of being made Celebrity Mum of The Year (sponsored by Le Redoute).

We thought we'd take a look back at the history of the prestigious award and which shining examples of maternal love and nurturing it has been bestowed upon previously.

Last year, the prize (sponsored by Grattan this time) was won by a woman who rarely gets the accolades she deserves. Jordan, also known as Katie Price, likes to keep away from the limelight so little is known about her. What we do know is that she is the kind of caring person who will dedicate every waking hour to ensure her children grow up well-adjusted and as normal they can in the crazy world of showbiz.

The year before that, Sharon Osbourne received the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award from Freemans. Sharon proved what a caring mother she was when she forked out for all of her children to go to rehab to deal with drug addictions they had acquired whilst underage at clubs in LA with 'the wrong crowd'. Kids, eh?

In 2005, Celebrity Mum Of The Year, this time sponsored by Quality Street, was awarded to Kerry Katona. Kerry, best known for her lucrative deal with OK! magazine has always put her family first - giving her unborn babies a little pick me up with a beer and a fag and topping up their college fund with staged paparazzi shoots. But she was cruelly branded "Most Irritating Individual In Britain" by milk substitute (?!) 'Lactofree'. Those milk-hating fascists can shut up! Are they mum of the year 2005? No they are not!

Ulrika Jonsson was Mum Of The Year 2004. She certainly can't be accused of embarassing her children by shagging Sven Goran Eriksson, John Leslie, Stan Collymore, a camera man, Hunter from The Gladiators, an Afghan sheep farmer, Tiny Tim, that bloke off of the Cillit Bang adverts etc. And confessing to being a sex addict. Also calling one of your children Bo is a beautiful tribute to your grandfather, not an open invitation to any bullies to flush your child's head down the toilet.

For some reason in 2003 the powers that be decided to give the award to Melinda Messenger. Some people might be taken in by her "Ooh I'm so lovely" act but we've seen footage of her revealing herself as a fan of George Galloway on This Morning. Is there any worse condemnation of a person's character?

Proving that she truly deserves the accolade, Kerry Katona won Mum Of The Year in 2002 as well as 2005. Here she is pictured with her mother, you know, the one who shagged Kerry's boyfriend and introduced her to booze and drugs. Who would have thought Kerry would rise above this and become a successful mother, celebrity and novelist?

America might have the Oscars, but we have the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award (next year to be sponsored by Spam?) and we're bloody proud of it.

THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?


a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.


For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

Shame on you Heat magazine!

Celeb gossip bible Heat magazine has been forced to apologise to Katie Price after it printed an offensive sticker of her little boy Harvey, who is blind with a growth disorder which makes him larger than the average five-year-old. The sticker bore the legend: "Harvey wants to eat me".

We hate to say it, but Jordan is right in this case. Here at Celebritish we only take the piss out of non-disabled adults (well, Chantelle's kind of borderline on the disabled spectrum but we'll let that go...)

Note to Heat: next time you want to make a funny sticker playing on someone's weight, there's plenty of mileage in Rik Waller and Robbie Williams. And THEY deserve it, they're fat on purpose. Lazy bastards.

Cosmopolitan's Women of the Year awards — a veiled insult to womankind

With the odd notable exception (Ashley Jensen, we take our hats off to you), the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year awards seemed to make a point of celebrating the dullest specimens of femalehood. Leona Lewis and Rihanna, personality-free zones both, won the Newcomer and Mistress of Music gongs respectively, which in a year of interesting, feisty acts like Kate Nash and, um, Feist to name but two is just shocking.

And we love the prize that Katie Price got her mucky mitts on: the Be The Best You Can Be prize. While it is probably accurate to state that Price is, indeed, the best *she* can be, could they not have given the award to someone who, when being the best they can be, transcends the state of being rubbish at everything?

Jordan's grave mistake

Oh God, another day, another quote from the unfathomably popular Jordan to convince Celebritish further that the world is going to hell in the proverbial handcart.

This time, the tangerine twit has told the Sun that, when she slips off this mortal coil, she'd like the legend on her tombstone to read "she had perfect tits".

Where do we start? OK, they are the twin peaks on which she's built her bafflingly successful career, so we can see why she'd like them acknowledged, but there's something distinctly vile about mentioning specific body parts on a tomb stone isn't there? And they're not even real, so in what sense are they perfect tits anyway? Perfect implants, perhaps, though that too is debatable. Makes you think though, what will happen to those big silicon babies when Jordan is dead and buried? Will they refuse to rot and remain as the only remnant of her after the rest has rotted away? How very apt — she'd love that!

Jordan more popular than free chocolate — OFFICIAL

Celebritish's daily stroll along High Street Kensington was brought to rather an abrupt halt this afternoon by an impassable crowd of onlookers outside Superdrug. Seriously, the crowd was so big and intense that Celebritish almost got stuck in it.

What could this be, we wondered, intrigued by the possibilities. Maybe Prince or some other genius is giving an impromptu performance? Or perhaps Jesus has returned to the earth to save us all? Then we noticed the carpet was pink. So, not purple enough for Prince and a bit too gay for Jesus. But perfect for... Jordan, who was there promoting some cosmetic crap (OK, our research in this area wasn't that studious).

Last week there was free chocolate for Chocolate Week in some of the High Street's shops, and barely any crowds formed for that at all. Chocolate is clearly better and more nutritious than Jordan, so what is going on? And who are these people who waited in the rain for a glimpse of a person the right-thinking among us try our level best to avoid glimpsing at ever? We demand to be told!