THE CELEBRITISH CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Without further ado, we bring you (drum roll please) The Big Festive Celebritish Christmas Quiz! Print it out, answer the questions, tot up your scores and discover if you are an inbecile. Answers are in the comments section.

1. Cheryl Tweedy would like to be what if she wasn't a popstar?

a) forensic detective
b) a nobody
c) binman
d) prostitute

2. Who said "I’d lick ***'s tooth that’s missing by sticking my tongue in between the gap and everyone knows I’ve got a good tongue”, and about whom?

a) Gene Simmons about Albert Steptoe
b) Abi Titmuss about Madonna
c) David Gest talking about Amy Winehouse
d) Stephen Hawking about Shane McGowan

3. What did Katie Price say she would like inscribed on her tombstone?

a) "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal"
b) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
c) "She had perfect tits"
d) "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

4. Which celebrity said they had been busy indulging in 'w***ing, shooting heroin and bum sex' since the release of their last album?

a) Aled Jones
b) Holly Valance
c) Robbie Williams
d) Donny Osmond

5. Who refused to write a song for Britney's latest album?

a) Chas and Dave
b) Mr Blobby
c) Keane
d) Iron Maiden

6. What did Hugh Grant hurl at a papparazzi earlier this year?

a) Eggs
b) His own faeces
c) A bag of cute kittens
d) Baked Beans

7. Which drug did Pete Doherty give his cat?

a) Asprin
b) Catnip
c) Calpol
d) Crack

8. Who's shirt-potatoes feature in this picture?

a) Jodie Marsh
b) Simon Cowell
c) Judy Finnegan
d) Jordan

9. What is the substance Amy Winehouse decorates her nose with?

a) Sherbert
b) Chalk
c) Cocaine
d) Milk

10. With whom did Richard Blackwood star in a theatre production of The Unexpected Guest?

a) Thandie Newton
b) Dean Gaffney
c) Ian McKellan
d) John Simm

11. Who got voted 'Princess Of Cool' this year?


a) Fearne Cotton
b) Hitler
c) Beth Ditto
d) Boy George

12. Who said their ideal night out would involve "a rugby or football team, a private table and several bottles of champagne"?

a) Rik Waller
b) Sir Patrick Moore
c) Kelly Brook
d) Jeremy Paxman

13. Whose mum said of their offspring: "he/she wasn't thick, but he/she wasn't far off it"?

a) Pete Doherty's
b) Katie Price's
c) Ricky Hatton's
d) Jade Goody's

14. Who is hiding in this picture?

a) Christopher Biggins in a wig
b) Lily Allen
c) Gemma Atkinson
d) Chantelle Houghton

15. What was Alan Davies' excuse for biting a tramps ear?

a) "I just love the crunchy texture of a tasty tramp's ear"
b) "It was a magic trick that went wrong"
c) "I was very upset and emotional after delivering a eulogy at a funeral"
d) "I hate the homeless and all they stand for"

16. Who said: 'It's over. She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beers and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her really'

a) Pete Doherty on Kate Moss
b) Johnny Borrell on Kirsten Dunst
c) Ziggy on Chanelle
d) Prince William on Kate Middleton

17. Who finds this man attractive?

a) Dannii Minogue
b) Rhydian
c) Kate Moss
d) Jade Goody

18. Who wrote these moving lyrics: "It's just sometimes, when like, you're feeling a bit down or whatever, you tend to like, lose sight of things, like your perspective and stuff"

a) Lily Allen
b) Rufus Wainwright
c) Kate Nash
d) Bob Dylan

19. What is missing from this picture of Charlotte Church?

a) A sex toy
b) A microphone
c) A snake
d) Ronnie Corbett

20. And finally, what is your favourite website?

a) 2 Girls 1 Cup
b) Celebritish
c) ChesneyHawkes.com
d) Anything on YouTube involving fluffy kittens.


For those of you not aware of us, Celebritish is a blog which celebrates the good (not very much) and mocks the bad (mostly) in the world of UK celebrity. www.celebritish.blogspot.com

A Twisted Carol

Nope this isn't about Margaret Thatcher's daughter, its even worse.

There is to be a comedy pantomime reworking of A Christmas Carol starring Alfie Allen, Jaime Winstone, David Gest, Harry Enfield and Miquita Oliver.

We're struggling to put a positive spin on this – it is for charity after all – but we can't. Pantomimes are supposed to be the antithesis of cool, when did they become so hip as to warrant the occupants of the Hawley Arms joining in?

I suppose it could be worse, Chesney Hawkes' Christmas Cracker extravaganza at Club 1 in Ascot has the following line up. Read it and quite literally weep: Chesney Hawkes, Tony Hawks, Bobby Davro, Jason Donovan, Nik Kershaw, Brandon Block, Rick Parfitt Jnr, Bernard Cribbins

ps. Alfie Allen was supposed to be at the launch of A Twisted Carol but didn't turn up. Does this signal the end to a very, very short romance with Jaime Winstone? I do hope so, then she can get on with her important work for the celebrity sibling inbreeding programme.

David Gest is a fan of musical theatre

Not only is he a fan of musical theatre but he is starring in a musical based on his life.

We have a particular interest in this story after spotting him at Gilgamesh in Camden recently and seeing what a sad state he's in. He seems to be befriending all the young Camdenites by taking them to the toilet every 10 minutes for some kind of pupil narrowing activities. Admittedly this is rather common in London but we can't see it making a very good musical.

He might be a mess but we still can't help warming to him when he comes out with quotes like this:
"In my wildest imaginations, I never thought I'd be dancing, singing and performing to over 100,000 people throughout the UK - considering I have no real talent, this is quite a feat."

The press release then shifts to fairyland where Michael Jackson (or Gest putting on a Jacko voice?) is quoted as saying:
"We never thought we would see the day David Gest would sing and dance in public. Now he is working on flips and dances with little people. Considering David can't sing and can't dance it will be amazing to see just how nuts he gets on stage!"

Michael Jackson knows all about working with little people so perhaps he'll lend a hand at the Apollo on 20 February next year. It's for charity after all.

ps. He is Celebritish because lives in Britain, so shut up!