Friday, 29 February 2008

Celebrity Mother Of The Year - A potted history

Yesterday, Suzanne Shaw of Hear'Say and Dancing On Ice fame recieved the honour of being made Celebrity Mum of The Year (sponsored by Le Redoute).

We thought we'd take a look back at the history of the prestigious award and which shining examples of maternal love and nurturing it has been bestowed upon previously.

Last year, the prize (sponsored by Grattan this time) was won by a woman who rarely gets the accolades she deserves. Jordan, also known as Katie Price, likes to keep away from the limelight so little is known about her. What we do know is that she is the kind of caring person who will dedicate every waking hour to ensure her children grow up well-adjusted and as normal they can in the crazy world of showbiz.

The year before that, Sharon Osbourne received the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award from Freemans. Sharon proved what a caring mother she was when she forked out for all of her children to go to rehab to deal with drug addictions they had acquired whilst underage at clubs in LA with 'the wrong crowd'. Kids, eh?

In 2005, Celebrity Mum Of The Year, this time sponsored by Quality Street, was awarded to Kerry Katona. Kerry, best known for her lucrative deal with OK! magazine has always put her family first - giving her unborn babies a little pick me up with a beer and a fag and topping up their college fund with staged paparazzi shoots. But she was cruelly branded "Most Irritating Individual In Britain" by milk substitute (?!) 'Lactofree'. Those milk-hating fascists can shut up! Are they mum of the year 2005? No they are not!

Ulrika Jonsson was Mum Of The Year 2004. She certainly can't be accused of embarassing her children by shagging Sven Goran Eriksson, John Leslie, Stan Collymore, a camera man, Hunter from The Gladiators, an Afghan sheep farmer, Tiny Tim, that bloke off of the Cillit Bang adverts etc. And confessing to being a sex addict. Also calling one of your children Bo is a beautiful tribute to your grandfather, not an open invitation to any bullies to flush your child's head down the toilet.

For some reason in 2003 the powers that be decided to give the award to Melinda Messenger. Some people might be taken in by her "Ooh I'm so lovely" act but we've seen footage of her revealing herself as a fan of George Galloway on This Morning. Is there any worse condemnation of a person's character?

Proving that she truly deserves the accolade, Kerry Katona won Mum Of The Year in 2002 as well as 2005. Here she is pictured with her mother, you know, the one who shagged Kerry's boyfriend and introduced her to booze and drugs. Who would have thought Kerry would rise above this and become a successful mother, celebrity and novelist?

America might have the Oscars, but we have the Celebrity Mum Of The Year Award (next year to be sponsored by Spam?) and we're bloody proud of it.

Kate Moss wants to escape the big smoke

It's been reported that pikey clothes-horse Moss is attempting for the thousandth time to give up her precious cancer sticks.

This time she is resorting to sticking more and more Nicotine patches to her tiny frame, increasingly resembling a painting by Georges Braque.

The 'source' quoted in the story sounds like a card!!!!@@!!!

"If anyone else asks for one [a nicotine patch], she sells them for £1.50. People are very surprised when she tries to charge them for one... The look on their faces when she says she has to make some spare cash somehow is hilarious!"

Yes, I can imagine the amusement on the faces of the poor little plebs lumbered with the job of trowling concealer into her facial crevices when she - a seriously overpaid supermodel - won't even spare a nicotine patch to help them give up the fags.

Next week Kate makes a homeless man dance for 10p.

Thursday, 28 February 2008

Friendship never ends?

Well, the Spice Girls have come to the end of their world tour.

And, from the look on Victoria's face as the girls shared a 'spontaneous' group hug, not a moment too soon...

On their website, the girls posted: "There are tears of both sadness and joy." Really?

Pete attacked by kitten

This story has a definite whiff of bullshit about it - we don't really believe that Doherty, for all his faults, would be a prima donna about which angle he is photographed from.

But we just can't help liking the idea of celebrities being attacked by kittens.

Maybe there's a far more innocent explanation for those scratches all over Winehouse - she's just been playing with A LOT of kittens.


Oi, Ronson, no!

Picture this: you're Mark Ronson. You put trumpets on people's songs, and the crowds love it. You're the height of cool, you've been (inexplicably) awarded the Brit for Best Male Solo Artist, and you have every Tom, Dick and Harry willing to sell their grandmothers for you to sprinkle some of that Ronson magic over their musical efforts. The world truly is your oyster.

So, why the hell would you decide to work with the Kaiser Chiefs? A charmless band who are well past their prime, and whose prime wasn't even very good?

We despair.

*Celebritish exclusive!: Kaiser Chiefs' new album to feature "lots of trumpets".*

Piers disses Keirs

Today, Celebritish has to make a truly shameful confession. Yes, readers, we agree with something that Piers Morgan said. We know, a shocking revelation.

Piers, you see, has told beautiful misery-guts Keira Knightley to stop 'er whining.

He comments: "She moans about being famous then does endless photo sessions. You can't use the media to promote yourself and then attack them! My message to Keira is, 'If you'd like me to get off your case, then stop bleating'."

Hear, hear!

Keira has been known to bleat the following: "Australian Aborigines say that with every photo that is taken, a piece of your soul goes with it. And there are some days when I kind of believe it."

Presumably not the days when she did this, this, or this. And we're fairly sure it wasn't her soul the photographers were interested in capturing.

They're very nice pics, undoubtedly, but we don't think the Aboriginals would approve...

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Celebritish in "getting old" shocker

Celebritish were somewhat perturbed yesterday to read of Blur drummer Dave Rowntree's bid to become a Labour MP.

Now, Alex James's cheese farming we could deal with - food is the new rock n' roll after all, and cheese is one of the more decadent foodstuffs.

And Damon Albarn's foray into opera was okay because it was based on that funny old TV series with the whistling monkey.

But Dave as a Labour MP?? The cheeky boys we knew and loved as teenagers are now well and truly part of the establishment it seems. It came as a shock to us that he's 43 years old, too. Terrifying.

Oh dear, we'll be asking teenagers to "turn that racket down" next...

Thursday, 21 February 2008

True Brit

Well, Celebritish did our blogging duty and sat through the Brits last night — it was a bit awkward and stilted until the end when it all got shambolic and pissed — so at least it had that authentic party vibe.

Here are some observations, in no particular order of importance:

Ozzy screwing up the Paul McCartney introduction was hilarious, as was the revelaton (by Sharon) of the fact that Ozzy listens to Macca's music every day of his life. Sweet lord, no wonder he is the way he is!

When Mika opened the show, it might have been just us, but we could have sworn we actually saw the pound signs lighting up his admittedly rather beautiful eyes as he marvelled at the Marketing Opportunity opening the Brits entails and thought of all the units that would be shifted as a consequence, "Ker-CHING" indeed, Mika!

We have to thank the awards for exploding two bizarrely commonly held myths last night: the myths that Chris Moyles and Allen Carr are funny people. Sadly, Vic Reeves, who used to be quite amusing, also demonstrated that he has undoubtedly had his funny bone removed. Drunkenness is no excuse Reeves, you can be drunk and funny, in fact the two are quite happy bedfellows most of the time.

The people who did the lightshow for the Klaxons/Rihanna "mash-up" were very talented - it looked amazing. When the only thing you notice about a performance is the lightshow, though... :-(

Adele declared: "Speeches are boring". Tell that to Churchill and Luther King, madam! Still, she made a good effort at proving the point with her own speech.

Ozzy introduced Kaiser Chiefs as "Kaiser Cheese". Which is about right in our opinion - a smelly old cheese that's past its sell by date too.

Kelly introduced Kylie as someone who's "been making great pop since the Nineties". Since the 90s, Kelly?! Does I Should Be So Lucky mean nothing to you?!?! For shame!!

Mark Ronson is a producer, not a solo artist - is he treated as one because he looks pretty and is cool? Interestingly, despite his gorgeousness and coolness, the guy has zero stage presence, as he proved when he took to the stage to play half-assed guitar behind some singers. Oh yeah, one of those singers was Winehouse. Jury's out on how her recovery's going, she certainly seemed a little "edgy" and was over-singing somewhat, but was basically pretty good, we thought. Bad sign that she asked the crowd to "give it up for my husband" though - why, exactly? For being in prison and having nothing whatsoever to do with British music? Woo, yeah, Blake! Hurrah, encore!

The choreography for Leona Lewis's performance was quite simply deranged, and probably the funniest thing in a show sorely lacking in good jokes. Leona managed not to laugh though, and did put in probably the best performance of the night. She might have no personality, but she sure as heck has star quality and a cracking pair of lungs.

The non-stop Brit school mentions surely had the reverse of the intended effect, unless the intended effect was to make everyone bored beyond belief with the Brit school and get it roundly mocked by a drunken Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, who pretended he was also a graduate of the Selhurst stage school - to minimal comic effect.

Paul McCartney's Everybody's Gonna Dance Tonight is truly the most terrible song ever written, and made us wish that the ultra-realistic firebomb explosions that accompanied his following number Live And Let Die were actually happening.

So, that was the Brits that was. Not a triumph, nor a shambles. Here's hoping next year it'll make it's mind up one way or t'other!

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Radio 2 feels the Ball

Housewives' (and some househusbands', let's not discriminate) favourite Michael Ball has been given his very own Radio 2 show.

Controller Lesley Douglas explains: "His warmth and sense of humour make him perfect Sunday morning company."

"Good Sunday morning company", perhaps, but "perfect Sunday morning company" status is reserved for those who, on top of the warmth and humour, also provide alka seltzers, fry-ups and Simpsons DVDs.

Michael adds: "I hope listeners will make a regular date to have lunch with me on Sunday." Oooh, Michael, you are a tease!

Yes, it's the day of the Lord... Michael Ball's on the radio... so safe... so wholesome... Celebritish have come out in hives! Where's Katona when you need her? Now there's a woman whose warmth and sense of humour make her perfect Sunday morning company - Lesley, get her on the phone now!

Friday, 15 February 2008

Vivienne's dirty protest

One of our serious bugbears here at Celebritish is celebs getting 'political', and Vivienne Westwood's London Fashion Week show last night is a prime example.

Models wearing 'fair trial my arse' pants strutted blankly up and down the catwalk bearing banners asking for 'Justice For The Prisoners In Guantanamo Bay'. Now, we're no lovers of Guantanamo Bay ourselves, but hell, there's a time and a place for protest and a fashion show isn't it. It's hardly an industry renowned for its moral rectitude, and anyway we don't want to be reminded of waterboarding while we're looking at pretty clothes, thanks, it just makes all this fashion stuff seem a bit, I don't know, trivial?

Say what you like about politicians, at least they do us the honour of not pretending to be clued up on the world of couture. That said, Gordon's looking seriously fashion-forward at the moment... takes years off him!

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Kaplinsky keeps her husband happy

News annoyance Natasha Kaplinsky has revealed in a Times Interview that her alternating hairstyles have a fabulous effect on her marriage. Apparently, going to bed with straight hair and waking up with curls makes her husband "feel like he's sleeping with two different women".

We can imagine this really is quite a boon, considering any man having to spend every night of his life with Natasha Kaplinsky would surely be fervently wishing to wake up next to someone, anyone else.

One in the eye for Ant and Dec

News reaches Celebritish Towers that Ant and Dec have an exciting new sponsor in Birds Eye.

It's interesting, isn't it, that a frozen food company should choose to sponsor a show called Saturday Night Takeaway — the title subconsciously encourages viewers to get a takeaway, surely? Thus rendering it ultimately less likely they'll be cracking open the Birds Eye to feed their lazy faces while they vegetate in front of the gogglebox and miss out on all the opportunities to live a little that leaving the house on a Saturday evening might provide.

Ah, the complications of our modern world...

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

You too can look like Aisleyne!

Ever head out of a Saturday night and find yourself thinking, 'You know, I just don't look slutty or cheap enough?'

You do? Well then, do we have news for you!

Yes, Aisleyne Horgan Wallace has launched her very own clothing range!

And may we say, if all the dresses are as lovely as the one in the picture on the website, we'll be buying in bulk!

Still, at least the girl is actually wearing clothes, unlike in most of the other pictures of her we've come across (so to speak).

We actually secretly quite like Aisleyne, especially after finding out she's friends with godlike genius Charlie Brooker (whose Valentine's piece in yesterday's Guardian had us laughing and cringing out loud), but never, ever would we want to live in a world where people dress like her.

Natalie Cole: American Idiot

Natalie Cole, general has-been and clinger on to the shadow of her dad Nat King's legend, has slammed the Grammys for letting Winehouse win.

Cole, who battled her own drug problems in the past, said: "You don't get to do your drugs and go onstage and get rewarded. It sends a bad message."

Well, sure, why don't we just give the music awards to clean-living folk, they do tend to make the most interesting music after all, don't they? Imagine, a world where Westlife swept the boards at everything from the Brits to the Novellos (though frankly Celebritish isn't quite convinced that even they're not on something, did you SEE the Uptown Girl video?)

Awards should go to whoever the judges deem to have done the best song, album, or whatever, and that's the end of it. Clearly Natalie Cole's brain has gone wrong since she quit the drugs.

Sophie Anderton's full of sh*t

We're not sure quite why Sophie Anderton has chosen to reveal the foul secrets of rehab to Closer, and we can't quite say we're glad she has, frankly.

Apparently: "You take tablets and when you do a poo you're given chop sticks to look at it. I discovered I had part of a tapeworm in me and it must have been there for ages . They think I might have got it from eating my steak rare."

This would be rather more likely to put you off rare steak than deter you from the delights of the naughty salt surely? Still, with the amount of dodgy trouser snakes Sophie's reportedly had in her, one little worm shouldn't make all that much difference.

She added, "I don't need the showbiz world."

Yes, you read correctly, she told a journalist for showbiz magazine Closer: "I don't need the showbiz world." Evidently!

Friday, 8 February 2008

Lenny Henry has a moan

Now we at Celebritish are all for equality, obviously, but we can't wholeheartedly condone Lenny Henry's complaints about racism in the world of television.

It's an important issue, no doubt, and one that needs discussing. Nonetheless, someone needs to tell poor Lenny that if he's being passed over for work, it really is nothing to do with the "black" thing, and everything to do with the "about as funny as a fire in an orphanage" thing.

Celebritish exclusive: Matt di Angelo is officially "gorgeous"

Celebritish caught up with a good, and anonymous, friend last night, who has been spending some time hanging with the Strictly Come Dancing tour "massive".

After a quick chat, we can officially reveal two things:

Zoe Ball is "one of the nicest women in the world".

Matt di Angelo is "absolutely, unbelievably gorgeous".

You heard it here first! Though you might have come to that conclusion about Matt even without the first hand knowledge, admittedly.

Leona gets violent

X Factor personality-void Leona Lewis has revealed that she thinks violence is all part and parcel of a normal London upbringing.

She reveals: "Most of my friends have beet shot, stabbed or beaten up."

Jesus, they must be an annoying bunch!

Seriously, though, it's a little harsh for a girl from Hackney to tar all of our fine city with the same brush. Celebritish grew up in London (well, Zone 5) and the nearest we came to violence was a spot of violent vomiting after one too many Diamond Whites.

Anyway, Hackney is perfectly safe, because this lot say so, and MPs are a trustworthy bunch aren't they?

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Pointless survey alert!

Did we really need Carnation Footcare to tell us that more of the fine British public would like to play footsie with Kylie than with Pete Doherty? Well, no, we didn't - that's really a no-brainer, regardless of which gender floats your boat, isn't it?

Apparently this proves that when it comes to ladies' feet, smaller is better - except it doesn't, because we'd still like to play footsie with Kylie if she was hiding a pair of size nines, whereas if we found out Anne Widdecombe had dainty size two tootsies, we still wouldn't.

Not that she was in the poll - the only nod to politics was Dave Cameron, who got no votes at all. Most harsh - Celebritish think he looks like a man familiar with the joys of a good pedicure. And rather him than Gordon, surely?

Friday, 1 February 2008

Andrew Lloyd Webber brings us closer to Summer

Face-transplant-guineapig Lloyd Webber has revealed he has cheated Hollyoaks viewers (that can't be very hard, can it?) by 'planting' Summer Strallen in the Channel 4 show before cruelly reeling her back to be launched as a star of the West End.

Having asked for the opinion of some of our theatre experts we have discovered the only thing Hollyoaks proved for Summer is the fact she can't act and has a very annoying face.

First a sitcom with a fictional making-of show, now planting aspiring musical stars in soap operas to raise their profile. What next? Rik Waller taking up residence in the new series of Skins for the launch of his new book, "1001 Uses For Lard"? Watch this space.

Darius reaches a new stage

Many many years ago, when Celebritish were little more than children, a man called Darius Danesh entered a TV talent show. In fact, he entered two so he could fight the injustice of not winning the first one. What an ego, what a guy!

Anyway, Celebritish remember many a conversation at the time running something like this:

Celebritish: Darius has total charisma, he's going to be huge.
Various Friends: Haha, no he's not he's a total idiot and an embarrassment to humanity.

To be fair, both viewpoints are correct in their way, but we've just read
this and we'd like to say a big 'I told you so' to the haters!

We'd also like to start a campaign to make Darius the next James Bond. He's perfect for the role, and would beat Gritty Craig into a cocked hat (which we'd like to see, incidentally).