Heather Mills: Back to Reality

Perhaps owing to her fondness for maintaining proximity to extremely rich men, everyone's favourite golddigging harridan Heather 'Mucca' Mills is set to appear in the US's version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well, there's certainly no denying that she's damn good at making money, in her own unconventional way...

Donald Trump has already reportedly declared that he "really likes her" and is "into the idea" - what is it with rich men and character judgement, and, more to the point, could Heather be lining up Old Loaded Fool mk 2 with this smart career move? Trust us, Macca was just the starter.

We love Heather Mills

It seems Celebritish have been a bit harsh on Heather recently.

While we thought she was after money and fame, it turns out she is just trying to sabotage Paul McCartney's tour, and for that we will be forever indebted to the pornstar.

First, you spread 'em for a jazz mag, then you make Paul McCartney axe a tour. Heather, if we didn't know you better, we'd think you were trying to seduce us.

Fierce Piers

“The most grasping, awful, horrific self-publiciser I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Who's this? It's Piers Morgan of course! Unfortunately he isn't having a grim realisation as the Ghost Of Christmas Past takes him on a tour of his life so far, he's actually referring to Heather Mills who he says "needs to go away."

He has a point, and we can't really argue with people slagging off Heather but, anyone who has read his column in the Mail on Sunday will know how horrifically awful he is and if she needs to go away then so does he.

He goes on to say “I think I’m above Jade Goody! I’d say I’m bigger than Madonna too!”

We've yet to meet anyone below Jade Goody on the pecking order so that's not really something to brag about, however suggesting he's more famous than Madonna is laughable. He is an disgraced ex-Newspaper editor and talent show judge. She is a popstar who has been in the business for nearly 25 years and whose last album sold 11 million copies.

Having said all that, he did write a jolly good book about Take That so we'll let him win this one.

Winehouse, you evil bitch!

It emerges today that not only is Amy Wino a druggy, boozy, shouty wench with disastrous taste in men. No, she's also a murderer of small animals. A "friend" has claimed that she might have dosed his beloved hamster with a fatal amount of crack.

Nice one Amy, clearly taking further lifestyle hints and tips from Doherty, who has been seen passing his cat the crackpipe on occasion. It's not big, it's not clever, and even Celebritish, sick puppies that we are, would dispute that it's funny.

Got us thinking though, how outraged animal-lover (and human-exploiter) Heather Mills would be though. As we know, she prefers to suck milk from rodents' teats, and we're sure she wouldn't want supplies contaminated with narcotics. We'd really love to see Amy and Heather having a fight, and any story that increases the likelihood of this momentous and terrifying event is not all bad.

That said, RIP Georgie Porgie the hamster :-(

Heather: face of rat's milk

Hardcore harridan Heather Mills has been spouting off at Hyde Park Speakers' Corner (well, at least that's a location at which you're supposed to do that sort of thing, so a happy, if most likely coincidental, union of location and mouth almighty).

What we don't quite get (Heather? Irrational arguments? Surely not!) is that she seems to be demanding the whole world goes vegan, at the same time as celebrating the superior qualities of rat's milk over the more standard cow's-udder version.

Which beggars the really obvious question: in what way is rat's milk any more vegan than cow's milk? It also beggars the really obvious response: ewwww!

And Viva, any charity using a celeb with such an, ahem, 'difficult' reputation, needs to sort its PR department out pronto.

Heather goes GAY

Not that we rely on Neil Sean for anything but inducing a mild bout of nausea whenever we set eyes on him, but this snippet from his Metro column makes for intriguing reading: apparently Heather Mills wants to appear at G-A-Y, where she hopes to become a gay icon.

"Gay men love a strong woman, and I think I fit the bill", she intoned in her annoying Geordie whine. Well, Heather, a strong woman perhaps, but a talentless, moaning, psychotic, humourless, compulsively dishonest one? Perhaps not. It's quite patronising of her to think that gay men are somehow not in possession of the critical faculties that lead the rest of the UK's population to dislike her so.

Still, we can't help feeling a grim fascination about the woman — which is why we're looking forward to reading this. 'Unsinkable' in that if you dunked her Medieval witch hunt-style in a stream she'd float? We'd place money on it.

Will she never learn

After her appearance on the GMTV sofa last week kicked off an unholy media shitstorm for poor old Heather Mills, she made the sensible, logical decision to, erm, return to the GMTV sofa this morning.

With the zeal of someone whose grip on reality is fading ever further into the distance, she proclaimed that her bout of televised hysteria had been a (literally) howling success, and that she intends to continue her campaign for "fair journalism".

Hmm, the media would be a dull old place if all journalism had to be fair, wouldn't it? And anyway what about fair divorce settlements, you money-grabbing scrubber?

APOLOGY

Celebritish would like to apologise to Heather for expressing an opinion that could be classed as unfair.

Heather's Halloween-worthy GMTV performance

Celebritish just had the misfortune of catching Heather Mills interview with Fiona Phillips on GMTV, and, oh boy, what an interview it was. Fiona barely had to do anything (lucky, really), as Heather ranted, raved, cried and generally did everything most counterproductive to her cause, which is apparently to make us like her again and get the meeja off her back.

Problem is, Heather is actually right: everything she said aboout the media hate campaign is correct, it is, as she says, "disgusting", and she hasn't done anything (quite) worthy of the Mucca-raking we see on a daily basis in the tabs. But why can't the woman get anything resembling a sympathy vote from us? Is it possibly because, even when crying, she has the cold, dead eyes of a relentless psychopath who probably slays kittens for shits and giggles? Yes, think that's it.