Graham Norton - relaxation guru

Celebritish does find it a little amusing that Graham Norton is the celebrity face of the Samaritans' Stress Down Day.

Yes Graham Norton, he of the screechy voice, audience member embarrassment and constant innuendo. Watching his shows is surely one of the least relaxing activities there is. This man has worn suits that have made us consider suicide...

No offence Graham, we love you really! But you wouldn't be our first choice as a yoga partner.

Lloyd-Webber on Hollyoaks - the verdict!

We're shameless enough to admit that we actually saw this last night - strictly for research purposes, you understand.

Andy L-W was pursued around London by desperate wannabe Summer, and coldheartedly rejected her mediocre attempt at auditioning on the street because she was obviously a loon.

It really was one of the most embarrassing, rubbish, television moments we've observed in recent times, and we'd like to advise Webber to stay away from the screen in future and stick to the stage — and even that in a strictly behind-the-scenes capacity, thanks very much.

This sorry debacle led us to ponder further on celebrity cameos in soaps, and why they're ALWAYS shit. Seriously, it's one of life's great mysteries! We are, obviously, not referring to the Pet Shop Boys appearing in Neighbours — that legendary moment was the exception that proves the rule.

UPDATE: Oh ok, we've just read this — and must admit its rather a clever idea on Lloyd-Weber's part. She REALLY didn't seem particularly good in those scenes though, but maybe it's impossible not to take on an air of talentlessness when appearing on Hollyoaks.

Cat-astrophe

Seems we missed the biggest news from the SAG awards in our report yesterday, as became clear when we came across this headline this morning: Beckinsale cat goes up in flames.

Now THAT'S a headline - it's virtually impossible not to read on, n'est pas?

The lovely Kate Beckinsale's lovely (we assume) cat, Clive, apparently set fire to himself on a candle just as she was heading out to the awards ceremony. It's alright though, he didn't actually 'go up in flames' (damn you, overdramatic headline!), and he's now fine, with 'no idea what happened to him'.

Phew!

SAG gives Brit talent an uplift

Nice to see us Brits scooping the two main acting prizes at the Screen Actors Guild awards. Daniel Day-Lewis got the prize for his sensitive portrayal of a woman facing senile dementia in Away From Her, while Julie Christie triumphed as a ruthless oil baron in There Will Be Blood. Or was that the other way round? We forget.

Anyway, favourite award speech of the evening was from amazing actor, lust object and all-round God of everything Javier Bardem (you could say we're fans), who won best supporting actor for his role in the stonking Coen Brothers flick No Country For Old Men. He said: "Thank you for choosing the good takes instead of the ones where I really sucked."

We can't see Day-Lewis ever speaking with such humility... still, he did dedicate his prize to Heath Ledger, which is nice we suppose, if a little bandwagon-jumping seeing as he didn't know him and had never worked with him...

Oh, the tedium

Wow, London has veritably confirmed it's status as a cutting edge interrnational music capital with the unveiling of the lineup for the Hard Rock Calling festival in Hyde Park this summer:

The Police, Eric Clapton, KT Tunstall and Starsailor.

Woo.

Obviously all these people sell a lot of records (with the possible exception of Starsailor?), but could this lineup be any more MOR?

Still, Celebritish doesn't give two hoots as we're buggering off to Benicassim - far preferable to standing around in a park, possibly in the rain, and probably surrounded by a bunch of middle-aged saddoes playing air guitar.

Ashley's bra-vellous in bed

Another day, another seedy shag revelation about that dirty dawg Ashley Cole.

This time, the 'stunning blonde' in question is Brooke Healy, who claims she pulled the football player after a night at Funky Buddha.

Again, some of the quotes are comedy gold, notably:

"He took my bra off. It was so hot."

Um, bra taking-off is really quite a standard manouevre leading up to the act of lurve Brooke, but hey, good on you, a pessimist is never disappointed eh? And then:

"I told him not to pull my hair because I had hair extensions in."

This is quite possibly be the chavviest, skankiest sex quote we've ever heard.

As Celebritish pointed out on Friday, Cheryl is hot and could do far better. We're sure there are plenty of men out there who would happily put up with the gentle whistling of the breeze blowing through the empty space between her ears.

Halliwell 4 Walliams

New couple alert! David Walliams has worked his smarmy charm on Geri Halliwell and apparently they've been dating for a few weeks. Their friend told a shitty tabloid:

“They have been secretly dating since the New Year and nobody knows. They are very tactile with each other and he’s such a gent. Geri just can’t stop smiling.”

We're not sure if Geri's permanent smile is down to excess botox or happiness but still they'd make a lovely couple.

Thankfully their 'friend' who was sworn to secrecy was on call to tell us how Geri and David will react when they find out their little secret is out:

“They will be gutted when news of their relationship leaks as until now they’ve been able to carry on without anyone knowing.”

What kind of a friend are you? "Ooh, I love it when my friends are gutted! I can't wait to see their faces when they realise one of their closest mates has invited the World's media to piss on the tentative early flames of love"

Anyway, we give it 3 weeks.

Ashley Cole is love sick

Everyone will have read the story about Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl by now so we won't bother explaining it but we did like this bit:

“Ashley is wild. He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good."

Apart from the "pretty good" suggesting he left something to be desired we'd say that's a 3 star review so then we're a little surprised to hear:

"We started having sex but then he was sick all over the cream carpet."

Jesus Christ, this girl is easily pleased. If he "knew exactly what he was doing" why on earth would he make the rather odd decision to vomit as they did the business? Is this what young people are doing these days? We despair!

More to the point, can't Cheryl do better than Ashley? First it was alleged mobile phones up alleged bums, now it's allegedly being sick whilst allegedly cheating on her. Cheryl if you're reading this, one half of Celebritish would be more than happy to make a substitution.

Update: In a Celebritish exclusive: we've found the video! (it's a bit nsfw)

Wino in rehab - again

Yes, she might say no no no, but Amy's family and record company have said yes yes yes, and she's off to rehab for the fourth time .

Her father Mitch wants her sectioned apparently - come now Mitch, the Zutons cover wasn't THAT bad!

He said: "She thinks she can do what she does and get on with her life". Well, yeah, she's right there really isn't she - just depends how long she wants that life to be...

Double NOOOO!!!

Today just gets worse and worse. First the terrible UB40 news and now we discover Jeremy Beadle is in intensive care.

Much as we despise the man - and christ, he made enough people suffer with his TV shows - we wouldn't wish life-threatening pneumonia on anyone and in a very rare show of Celebritish good will, we would like to send Beadle our best wishes for a speedy recovery. Then we can get back to the important work of mocking his funny little hand.

NOOOOO!

Well, we thought our week had hit the ultimate low with the sad demise of Heath Ledger. But, no, today some news has emerged that sees us sitting in front of our screens barely able to conceal our sobbing from concerned colleagues.

Yes, Friday 25th January 2008 will go down in history as the day Ali Campbell announced he was quitting UB40.

We're trying to be strong, but really, this has rocked British music to the core hasn't it? What's that, no it hasn't? Ah, sorry, our mistake. And that of most of the papers and news sites today, who seem to be reporting the break-up of a band who were past their mediocre best 20 or so years ago as if it's some sort of major event.

Quantum Of Whatnow?

Celebritish is unsurprised by the new Bond film title — in that it's pretentious and meaningless, just like the Bond franchise has been since Daniel Craig got on board.

What really bugged us about the last film, Casino Royale, was that it was hailed by many critics as some sort of masterpiece which brought a new depth to 007. Well, then we went to see it, and guess what, it was all about guns, gadgets, chases and sexy girls. Which is fine, but at least have the good grace to admit it rather than pretending it's somehow deeper and more meaningful than the ones with Connery, Moore et al.

The only real difference is that the previous Bonds have actually been attractive — we know they were going for 'gritty', but choosing a lead man who looks like his face has had a run-in with a road gritter is surely a bridge too far!

Mourning has broken

Now we've got over the untimely death of Mr Ledger we're back to mock the z-listers. Hurrah!

We know what you're thinking: what on earth is Brian May doing employing Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen as his stylist?

But take a closer look and you will see the twat dressed as a twat is in fact Michael Portillo dressed as Charles II to promote the Chelsea Festival.

It's hard to believe that this man opposed homosexuals joining the armed forces isn't it?

We actually quite like Michael, if only for his rampant flirting with Diane Abbot on 'This Week', but there is something very wrong with people in politics trying to be funny. Was nothing learned from Blair's cameo on Catherine Tate?

Who says politics can't be fun? Well, everyone, and they'd be right.

Sob

Celebritish are a bit too sad about Heath Ledger's untimely death today to be our usual scurrilous selves. Yes, he's not a Brit so technically he's not in our remit, but he's an Aussie, and therefore from a race the Americans often mistake for Brits, which is almost the same thing. And anyway, news of this magnitude deserves a mention. RIP Heath.

Meanwhile, Winehouse smirks at having avoided the grim reaper's icy blade once again. Sometimes, we think having your obit ready and waiting at all the major newspapers offers some kind of divine protection. That would explain the continued existence of Shane MacGowan and Shaun Ryder to name but two.

Shock! Horror!

Readers, it is with great discomfort that we reveal to you the fact that promotional shots of Kelly Osbourne in Chicago were photoshopped.

We know, we couldn't believe it either, she's always so photogenic that we had no idea technological hocus-pocus would ever be used on her.

Honest as ever, Kelly reveals:

“They airbrushed my chin, because I had a little bit of a double chin"

Well that's a relief, we sometimes suffer from "a little bit of a double chin" so we can sympathise with her but wait, there's more:

"under my arm - because my corset was pulled in so tight I got a fanny pit"

My god, in this twisted quest for perfection will celebrities not stop at nothing? Wearing a corset so tight it forces your private parts under your arm is just wrong. I hope you're happy Dita Von Teese...

Oh, it seems we were wrong, it's just "in the picture it looked like a vagina!” Thank goodness for that, anyway we thought all she talked about these days was losing weight? Here we go:

"Today, the media looks down more on someone who’s overweight than someone who’s a junkie. For f**k’s sake, they glorify Pete Doherty!”

Eh? The only person who glorifies Pete Doherty is Pete Doherty, everyone else thinks he's a pathetic waste of oxygen. Anyway, there are more important things to discuss, like Kelly's dress size:

“Even when I was bigger, I still don’t consider myself to have been fat. Being a size 12 is not fat. Just because I’m a size 8-10 now doesn’t mean that a size 12 was fat.”

Did you hear that you fattist bastards? She's size 8 now and don't you forget it! So you'll have to stop taking the piss out of her. But we thought the point was that being fat was nothing to be ashamed of anyway? How very confusing.

Martin McCutcheon: She's not bitter

Another lazy, long weekend for Celebritish (we wish) but we're back now with all the freshest celebrity guff.

Martine McCutcheon has revealed she only left Los Angeles because it was "brutal".

Nope, it's nothing to do with the fact work dried up after her one commission – a never to be broadcast TV show – it's down to the US movie industry and Martine has an axe to grind (well, a girls gotta work):

"Once you do three movies, you’re over.”

Hmm well if you consider Love Actually is probably only about a tenth American this means she managed 0.333% of her allotted time in the limelight. It must be a record!

"Even Cameron Diaz is old hat now."

Yes, Cameron probably isn't getting as much work as she once was but two Hollywood blockbusters a year is arguably better than a 10th of one in your entire career. We'd go for Cameron's old hat over Martine's Echo Beach every time.

On the day "Norbit" gets nominated for an Oscar (admittedly it's for best makeup but still...) perhaps Hollywood does deserve some scorn but we're sure there must be someone with a better CV to do the job? Where's Holly Valance when you need her?

Sienna shy about nudity for once

Mixed feelings about this one - Sienna Miller has won a privacy case against a photographer who took nude pics of her without her consent.

Fair play - although Sienna is one of those actresses who will only keep her clothes on if the role really demands it, that's her public life, and her private life is a different matter, right?

But it turns out the snapper took these photos while she was filming a scene for Hippie Hippie Shake. Yes, he shouldn't have been taking pictures on a closed film set, but if she was being filmed in the nuddy for a soon-to-be widely distributed movie, can he really be accused of breaching her privacy? We suspect this case is more to do with publicity for a second rate Brit flick than with Sienna's "extreme distress".

And come on, Si-Si, "extreme distress" is surely an emotion one should reserve for occasions that really merit it. Being trapped in a lift with June Sarpong, for example, or propositioned by Rik Waller — to name but two events that have occurred in what has been an action-packed week for Celebritish. What lives we lead!

Kate goes at it for 34 hours straight

We suppose we can't ignore Kate Moss's birthday bender — or stifle our giggles at the fact she didn't make it the intended 34 hours, instead crashing after a mere 18. Amateur!

We must admit we're quite jealous of the party-an-hour-for-each-year-of-your-life idea, and wish we'd had it first. What's more, if we did it we would resist the temptation to dress up as the lovechild of Simon and the Witch and Noddy Holder. This is one Moss look we can not see catching on.

Pete Doherty: My chafed nipple hell

The Daily Star really do come up with some nonsense but a story this morning tickled us.

Pete Doherty has taken to wearing his girlfriend's bras out on the town.

Okay, so it might be while he's jogging to train for the Marathon which he intends to run with his new bird. And yes, he is wearing the bra due to the sensitive nature of his nips, but still, its a funny story. While most rockers get groupies to chew on their pierced nipples as they perform vile sex acts, Pete has to wear a bra to protect them when he goes jogging. Bless!

A thought, sore nipples are quite common during pregancy? Perhaps Pete is jumping on the celeb bandwagon and has got himself up the duff!

Robbie will light up China

This story will warm your cockles on a cold, miserable day:

Leftover copies of Robbie's Rudebox album will be recycled as street lamps and tarmac in China.

After the ill-deserved adulation he's received over the years we're pleased to see his albums subjected to all the things we've ever dreamt of: being melted down, then smeared in dog shit, stamped on, and having chewing gum trodden into them.

You can imagine Robbie reading this as he downs his 36th espresso of the day and quietly weeps.

The best thing is that this story actually comes from his own record label - they must be really pissed off about his supposed strike action (laziness).

Michael paid for his memories

Dope-smoking, rough trade-enjoying, rarely-conscious singer George Michael is being paid silly money by publisher HarperCollins to write his memoirs.

George will apparently pen the work himself rather than using a ghost writer, and this idea strikes less dread into our souls than usual — anyone talented enough to write Careless Whisper on a bus at an age when most of us were just writing embarrassingly bad poetry should be able to come up with something entertaining at the very least.

Question is - what new tidbit of scandal are the marketing people going to sell the "no-holds-barred" autobiography on? George is admirably open about his private life anyway, so unless he's hiding something up his sleeve that beats drug addiction and cottaging we're not interested.

What she really, really wants

Celebritish today received a press release headed thus:

Lianne Morgan (Original Spice Girl) Seeks Band.

Yes, some poor bint actually has these words trailing after her name, like the deformed, retarded cousin of pHd or MPhil. Very sad.

Still, Lianne is back on the road and looking for a band, a band with the following qualities no less:
"can sing backing vocals like Aretha Franklin, play lead guitar like Joe Satrini, piano like Burt Bacharach, base guitar like the funky soul madina, and a drummer with class and slick style."

We'll ignore the three glaring misspellings of names and instruments, but we do like the way that they run out of famous musos to mention toward the end - clearly naming a famous drummer is a bridge too far for Lianne.

Still a bit of advice for anyone who might be thinking of auditioning: if you really can sing like Aretha or play like Satrini (sic) or Bacharach, you might like to think about aiming a bit higher than hooking up with a woman who was replaced by Mel C.

OK! Magazine New Year Party

After a prolonged quiet period, London truly kicked off 2008 in style last night at the OK! Magazine New Year Party.

The tension had been building for the past week: "how can they top the OK! Christmas party which featured ex-Big Brother stars and the like?". But Richard Desmond knew what to do - pull out the big guns! (erm, and some ex-Big Brother stars)

Remarkably, pop-siblings Same Difference managed to tear themselves apart long enough to stumble up the red carpet looking like embarassed foxes caught mid-coitus.



Next up was glamour model Alicia Douvall who looked like Popeye chewing on a wasp but didn't let that detract from her beautiful gold dress. Who said gold was last season?



Another star of X-Factor arrived next, Niki Evans (the one who could sing but stood no chance of winning because the public like to vote for cunts). She obviously isn't spending any of her new found fortune on clothes, it looks like she borrowed them from Michelle McManus.



Nikki Grahame waltzed up the red carpet next, clearly thrilled at the propect of free canapes. She likes her food that Grahame.


The best was saved til last as Samanda arrived, resplendant in haute couture dresses. The girls have propelled themselves from z-list to y-list over the last 6 months and for that we salute them.

David Beckham's 25 foot penis

As far as we can remember, David Beckham doesn't go on and on about Victoria's curious looking body, but this doesn't stop her salivating every time she sees his naked flesh.

“I’m proud to see his penis 25 foot tall. It’s great. It’s huge. It’s enormous. Massive.”

She hasn't lost her mind, she's referring to the pictures of a semi-naked Becks adorning billboards around the world for Emporio Armani. Much has been written about how impressive his package looks in the ad, but if you take perspective and padding out of the equation I think many women would be left sorely disappointed. Or rather, not sorely disappointed. Anyway, what was she saying?

“If I looked like that I’d walk down the street in my panties too.”

Woah, woah, woah! If Victoria Beckham had been born with an average-sized penis, she would walk around in her panties?! That's a mental image thats going to live with us forever.

While we're on the subject of Posh, Jack Nicholson has been singing her praises after she styled him for a recent photoshoot.

“I love Poshter, she’s lovely.”

Who?

“Posho!..."

Who?! We love it when people pretend to be friends by making up shitty nicknames for each other. Eh, Jackster?

"I loved working with her. She was charming, dressed me up nice. She’s a lovely gal. I’d work with her anytime."

Yeah, managing to make a pretty cool older man look like an idiot is really quite difficult, and for that we take our hat off to her.

Cerys hits the bottle... again

The Daily Star reports that ex-singer Cerys Matthews and her lover-rat Marc Bannerman have been boozing it up somewhat excessively of late.

Celebritish are slightly worried that we don't see "three glasses of wine and two pints of ale" as particularly excessive - a bad hangover combo, undoubtedly, but we're hardly talking rock 'n' roll debauchery here are we? There weren't even any spirits involved for God's sake, and everyone knows that soft alcohol, like soft drugs, don't really count.

On the same topic, London Lite informs us that Cerys, in her Catatonia days, was "as notorious as Amy Winehouse for collapsing drunkenly on stage and disappearing on drug and booze benders". Um, we're old enough to remember those days and no she wasn't. In fact we even went to see Catatonia a couple of times and, while we saw Cerys swig from a wine bottle now and then, we don't ever remember her threatening to set her husband on us or snorting gak out of her hair. Ah, innocent days...

Keira adamantly refuses to slip her finger into Rupert's ring

Keira - seemingly on a mission to make Celebritish hunt her down and kill her - has caused offence yet again, this time to her longterm boyfriend Rupert Friend.

He gave her an antique ring to signify their love, but she refused to wear it, instead opting for bling that had been sent by Chanel.

We've yet to hear a story about Knightley which doesn't make us want to stab her with pins, but while we wait we've decided to take up a hobby. At the moment we're making the foundations for our life sized Taj Mahal built out of matchsticks.

Go Chris Fountain

Yes, after slagging it off in no uncertain terms quite recently, one of Celebritish was a tad "under the weather" (read: hungover) last night and ended up actually watching Dancing On Ice. And very good it was too!

Fantasy borderline paedo-shag Chris Fountain certainly didn't disappoint on any account: firstly, he's no longer making the nation's women feel like perverts as he's now officially a grown-up, and secondly he can skate like a dream. We initially had doubts about a skating routine to the Arctic Monkeys I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - but it turned out that Chris definitely looked good on the ice rink! (really, you have no idea the sweat and tears that goes into writing this stuff).

We did get the sneaky feeling that he might be a bit of a tosser, but in terms of talent and charisma he deserves to walk it.

At the other end of the scale, Aggie McKenzie was a devastating embarrassment - we were caught between looking away from the humiliating sight and turning back to point and laugh. Surprisingly good legs for a more mature laydee though, so we suppose that's some consolation for her.

Barlow does a Lloyd-Webber

It's been busy, busy, busy this week for Celebritish. First Amelle from the Sugababes smashed up our car, then we went out dancing to Britney songs with Kate Middleton.

Don't worry though, we're back now and we have exciting news about everyone's favourite... erm everyone's favourite Gary Barlow - that's right, Gary Barlow!

He's been signed up to write songs for ITV1's upcoming drama Britannia High. This show sounds extremely exciting:

"It's unlike anything else on British TV."

Ooh, do tell!

"It will feature a group of talented young performers who sing, dance and act in a fictional performing arts school."

Ahem, I suppose technically that's true: after all "Fame" was taken off the air in 1987 and High School Musical is set in a normal school but it's hardly revolutionary is it?

We don't know why Gary is lowering himself to this, it's got "shit" written all over it. Has he not learned from the Marks & Spencers ad campaign? Don't take every job thats offered to you Gary, you'll end up like Danielle Lloyd.

We can't wait for tomorrow when the embargo is lifted on "Barlow's Marlow: The definitive guide to Buckinghamshire's finest town".

We love Matt Willis

Matt Willis, as an all round nice bloke and a bit of a hottie, has the full Celebritish seal of approval. We reserve the right to ignore his crimes against music.

And a story in this afternoon's London Lite makes us like him even more. Apparently he was out on the razz last night with girlfriend Emma Griffiths and a couple of mates. He informed the paps that they were 'pretending to be the Primrose Hill set', and set about snogging his mate's girlfriend! Then he and Emma moved in on the photographers, attempting to give them a bit of a snog and fumble too.

Okay, so they're both Z-list, but these days even Z-listers take themselves too seriously and it's nice to hear of a couple who don't.

Of course another way of looking at it is that Matt is resorting to increasingly desperate measures to get his photo taken by the increasingly uninterested snappers. What next — flashing? Matt, we dare you...

Hallelujah!

After the last two rather depressing stories, we bring you wonderful news! News so wonderful we had to kick ourselves in the head to see if we were dreaming!

Robbie Williams says he may give up touring. And not just that, he says he might not even release an album this year. Whoop-di-do!

“There might not be a proper album out this year and there definitely won’t be a tour any time soon. F*** that, the last one nearly killed me."

He thought performing was bad? Imagine how it was for the poor bastards who travelled miles to manky arenas to get charged a tenner for a pint of piss and watch a bloated, smug twat go through the motions.

“I do have to say, the more time I’m spending away from public life, the more I like it."

We're not sure how he is away from public life (does he live on a desert island?), but what a coincidence - the longer he's away, the more we like it too.

Scratching around for evidence

Another grim story, but the celebrity news of the day seems to be of a darker hue than normal. Anyway, kids' TV presenter Mark Speight has been let off the hook after being held on suspicion of murdering his fiancee, who was found dead in the bath last week.

It did seem deeply unlikely that he had anything to do with the tragic event, which sounds far more like an awful accident. But we suspect the police might have been influenced by his terrifyingly sinister performance in children's show of yore Scratchy and Co. Man, that guy gave us nightmares.

Speaking of more things proving untrue, the McCanns have categorically denied the film story we commented on yesterday. The brown bread plans, however, they maintain a studious silence about.

Bill of wrongs

Sad news from the set of The Bill, where actor Jeff Stewart has apparently slashed his wrists.

Horrible stuff, but proof that what goes on behind the scenes there is clearly more dramatic and compelling than the nonsense they spew out of our telly boxes.

The Beeb are saying that a refusal to renew his contract was the reason behind the self harm. Jeff, mate, chin up for God's sake, it's The Bill, not Life On Mars or something. Even Celebritish have appeared on The Bill and we can confirm it's not an experience to write home about, or indeed to slash your wrists over.

Jack Tweed makes his mother proud

Heartening news from Jade Goody's camp today!

Not content with with his famously on/off relationship with the devil (Jade), Jack Tweed has decided to make a name for himself by beating up children with golf clubs in a school car parks.

To be fair the 'child' in question was 16 and had probably been shouting abuse at Jack but we're more than happy to add this to Tweed's ever increasing catalogue of shame.

It's stories like this that make Celebritish happy that we do an English blog. In America it's all guns and hos but over here we're all just trying to make an honest living and beat up children with sporting paraphernalia.

Jack was bailed until next month.

Christ on a bike

As the most recognisable faces in Britain if not the world and, who knows, the universe, the McCanns are fair Celebritish game. And this, frankly, disgusts us.

We're not among the idiots who think they 'did it' (come on, people, how would that be possible?), but we are among the intelligent majority who think they're a right pair of weirdos, and making money from turning the disappearance of their daughter into a film (along the lines of Finding Nemo, perhaps?) isn't going to do their reputation any favours.

It's a cruel world

Celebritish have just returned from walking the streets aimlessly in the freezing cold rain. We don't quite know what to do with ourselves.

Usually we take celebrity news with a pinch of salt but this morning we were viciously kicked in the bollocks by the tragic news that Kerry Katona has been dropped by Iceland.

We're trying to hold it together but the urge to send malicious missives to the Iceland HQ is getting the better of us. How could they do this to someone so kind, so virtuous.

Much as we love their prawn rings, we're calling on all readers to boycott Iceland until they agree to take Kerry back.

And if you're reading this "OK!" magazine, may I suggest you think twice before removing Kerry's insightful essays from the pages of your magazine.

Someone as thoughtful as Kerry needs an outlet for her musings as this nugget from last week proves:

"Things really do seem to be going from bad to worse for Amy Winehouse. She needs to check into rehab. I know she said 'no, no, no' but it needs to be 'yes, yes, yes'!"

Kerry - if the work dries up, rest assured there will always be a job waiting for you at Celebritish Towers.

Dancing on very thin ice

Forget Big Brother - it's so dire this year that even Celebritish have given up on it - all eyes are on Strictly Come Dancing's slightly lacklustre cousin, Dancing On Ice, which starts on Sunday.

The celebrities were unveiled at the Natural History Museum this morning and it was a veritable smorgasbord of desperate has-beens.

As reported everywhere last week, Gareth Gates is taking part and apparently he's getting paid twice as much as the rest of the 'stars'. We have no idea why, we wouldn't put him above an amoeba, let alone Suzanne Shaw from Hear'say.

Strangely, Tim Vincent is also in the line-up. Last we heard he was doing well as a TV presenter in the US of A but we guess the work dried up. If we have to have him can America take David Gest back please?

Then there was the one-time singer and now lingerie model Samantha Mumba. She's got a bit of a head start having gone to stage school for 12 years (no doubt this small point will be ignored on the show) but Alesha Dixon's dance school experience didn't seem to lose her any votes on Strictly.

Also taking part are neurotic clean-freak Aggie McKenzie and every woman's dream-borderline-paedo-shag Chris Fountain from Hollyoaks.

There seem to be some other people in the picture but I haven't the foggiest who they are and quite frankly I don't care. All I do know is that it's always funny when celebrities follow their waning stars and end up falling on their freezing cold arses.

Shocker! Celebritish expresses admiration

A once-great man once said: "It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind". Well, yes, Morrissey, that's all very well, but we're not going to stop laughing or hating any time soon when there's so much out there in dire need of mockery. However, we are all for giving credit where credit's due.

And today, we salute Jamie Oliver, who has made the brave (some might say foolhardy) move of laying into the company who pay him £1.2m a year to advertise their products. Yes, he has given some serious verbal to Sainsbury's after they failed to send a representative to take part in a debate on factory farming for his upcoming show, Jamie's Fowl Dinners.

It's an important issue, and we really admire Jamie's guts in standing up to the company who pay him so handsomely for his endorsement when many other celebs would no doubt have put their pay packet before their morals.

Not sure why the Mirror have used what appears to be a picture of Jamie's Madame Tussauds waxwork to accompany the piece though: that's some scary shit right there!

Clarkson in rare 'idiocy' moment

Here at Celebritish, we have a soft spot for Jeremy Clarkson that might surprise some people. We don't agree with all his views, mind, but we're suckers for outspoken, witty people and Clarkson doesn't disappoint on that count. Dammit, we've even been known to enjoy the odd Top Gear episode, despite the fact neither of us can drive a car. But today we have to say: Clarkson, you IDIOT.

See, Clarkson thought it would be clever to publish his bank details and 'prove' that fraudsters can't take your cash this way, hence proving the Government's lost discs fiasco a storm in a teacup. The problem is, of course, that, as any fule knows, they can, and Clarkson found this out to the tune of £500 disappearing from his account.

Fair play to the guy for fessing up though — if we'd pulled a silly prank and been caught out we would have kept it quiet to save face, frankly.

Gareth Gates To Wed Mole

You can always trust a slow news week to drag sub-Z-listers out from behind the counter in Subway and into the newspapers.

Gareth Gates just happened to pick the end of a quiet week to announce he is to wed his girlfriend Suzanne Mole.

"After a great Christmas, I proposed to Suzanne on New Year's Eve and she said yes. We are both extremely happy and look forward to planning our wedding and life together."

We seem to remember a similar announcement a few years ago when the World actually cared but who are we piss on his parade. Congratulations Gareth, finally you've beaten Will Young at something - marrying a lady.

Matt's got the Horne

Celebritish spent last night drinking peppermint tea and watching Never Mind The Buzzcocks — yes, rock 'n' roll to the core.

Still, we're glad we did, as the show gave us an interesting introduction to Brit comic actor Matthew Horne. Yes, you'll know his face if you've ever had the good fortune to watch Gavin and Stacey or the misfortune to watch Catherine Tate, but what you might not know is that little Matt, who to our eyes resembles the bastard offspring of Joaquin Phoenix and Matt Willis from Busted (but is less devastatingly attractive than that might sound), is a raging Lothario.

He spent most of the show making embarrassingly inept attempts to pull team mate Kate Nash, after apparently asking Simon Amstell to help him in this department by playing up the "flirtation" between them. However, when she knocked back his lewd advances by saying her auntie and cousins were in the audience, he said he'd "have them instead"! What a gentleman. It also emerged that he'd tried, again without success, to pull Kylie Minogue by writing her a thankyou card.

So a 100 per cent failure rate with the laydeez so far then, but his career is clearly on the up and we all know how fame is one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs. He'll be the new David Walliams in no time, you mark our words...

Puh-lease

Seems Celebritish is laying into the Spices somewhat today, but we think that Old Spice Geri Halliwell might be playing fast and loose with the truth after she claimed that the girls won't make a profit from their reunion tour. To borrow an expression from Wayne's World: shyuh!

Apparently the reunion "isn't a money-making expedition — it's about party and celebration."

When Celebritish want to party and celebrate, we tend to do so with people we like, or at least can stand being in the same room with. Anyone who's had the misfortune to witness the girls' lame attempts to disguise their mutual loathing in recent TV interviews will be able to confirm the tone is anything but celebratory... it's quite obvious what they really, really want, and it's made of paper and has the queen's face on it.

Spice Girl sex guru

It seems as soon as you get over the indulgences of Christmas something else comes along to make you feel thoroughly sick.

Victoria Beckham has revealed she and the rest of the Spice Girls know where to go for sex advice. And where might that be?

“If we have sex problems, we go to Mel B - she is like the doctor.”

Ugh! The Spice Girls are so desperate for headlines they'll say virtually anything these days, but we do wonder what these problems might be?

Victoria: "Mel, I've got a problem. I've starved myself and had so much plastic surgery that my husband now finds me repulsive. Help me!"

Geri: "Yeah I've got a problem too, I'm such a neurotic bitch that I drive away any man who comes near me. What shall I do?"

Mel C: "And I'm not even sure who I want to shag. Apparently I used to be a lesbian but God knows what I am now?"

Poor Mel B, she's probably got enough going on with the Eddie Murphy court case without worrying about the sex-lives of the sad old desperadoes she works with.

Happy New Year!

We sincerely apologise for our lack of posts over the past couple of weeks. We'd like to say we've been partying with the stars but what really happened was much, much worse.

Picture the scene: It's Christmas Eve at Celebritish Towers and we've just finished decorating the tree. We're drinking mulled wine and waiting for the orphans to arrive to pick up their presents when all of a sudden the lights cut out! We start to panic as we hear massive, booming footsteps slowly coming up the stairs. The door opens and we catch a glimpse of something truly terrifying. Is it a monster? Is it an angry elephant? It's too dark to tell. As it shuffled along the floor towards us, we let out a pathetic scream...

Some time later we wake up in a kitchen Gordon Ramsay would be proud of were it not for the half-eaten pigs littering the floor and putrid stench of mouldy Chicken Tonight. As we try to untie ourselves from the cooker we feel a presence in the corner. "CHIIIIISSSSSTMASSSS DIN DIIIIINNNNNNNS!!!!!" it says. Thats right, we'd been kidnapped by Rik Waller. Again.

Thankfully, this time he was full of festive cheer and once we'd cooked him 53 turkeys and defrosted a few of Kerry's prawn rings he gave us an exclusive listen to his remarkable new album and let us go on our merry way.

Now we're finally back, there don't seem to be any celebrity stories worth taking the piss out of but we'll do our best!

The Celebritish Team

James Blunt's racist overtones

James Blunt, full-time ladykiller and part-time tune-killer, is the subject of Metro's 60 Seconds With today, and he comes across as perhaps, ahem, a touch lacking in cultural sensitivity.

When asked what is the weirdest instrument he's played (presumably answering "my freakily unpleasant vocal cords" was not allowed), he answers:

"I've played a weird, stringed turtle thing. It was in a dodgy foreign country."

A "dodgy foreign country", eh? James, it's the 21st century! We don't say things like that any more!

Also kind of gives the impression he can't even remember what country he was in doesn't it? But wherever it was, we bet the musician is regretting lending his instrument to some "dodgy foreign singer" who makes weird sounds that surely can't be construed as "music" by any discerning culture?

Kevin Greening RIP

Sad news yesterday about the death of former Radio 1 Deejay Kevin Greening at the very young age of 44.

Details have emerged today that his death came after ('scuse tabloid-speak) a "marathon sex and drugs orgy". Well, if you've gotta go...

We'll concede that Greening couldn't really be regarded as a celebrity (we doubt whether anyone under the gracefully undisclosed ages of Celebritish will know who he is), but there's no doubt he was influential and well regarded in the world of music radio and that he therefore merits a mention.

Today's reports do however call into question his agent's original account of things. Is is possible to do anything "peacefully in your sleep" after a night of gak and bondage?