Andrew Lloyd Webber brings us closer to Summer

Face-transplant-guineapig Lloyd Webber has revealed he has cheated Hollyoaks viewers (that can't be very hard, can it?) by 'planting' Summer Strallen in the Channel 4 show before cruelly reeling her back to be launched as a star of the West End.

Having asked for the opinion of some of our theatre experts we have discovered the only thing Hollyoaks proved for Summer is the fact she can't act and has a very annoying face.

First a sitcom with a fictional making-of show, now planting aspiring musical stars in soap operas to raise their profile. What next? Rik Waller taking up residence in the new series of Skins for the launch of his new book, "1001 Uses For Lard"? Watch this space.

Darius reaches a new stage

Many many years ago, when Celebritish were little more than children, a man called Darius Danesh entered a TV talent show. In fact, he entered two so he could fight the injustice of not winning the first one. What an ego, what a guy!

Anyway, Celebritish remember many a conversation at the time running something like this:

Celebritish: Darius has total charisma, he's going to be huge.
Various Friends: Haha, no he's not he's a total idiot and an embarrassment to humanity.

To be fair, both viewpoints are correct in their way, but we've just read
this and we'd like to say a big 'I told you so' to the haters!

We'd also like to start a campaign to make Darius the next James Bond. He's perfect for the role, and would beat Gritty Craig into a cocked hat (which we'd like to see, incidentally).

Graham Norton - relaxation guru

Celebritish does find it a little amusing that Graham Norton is the celebrity face of the Samaritans' Stress Down Day.

Yes Graham Norton, he of the screechy voice, audience member embarrassment and constant innuendo. Watching his shows is surely one of the least relaxing activities there is. This man has worn suits that have made us consider suicide...

No offence Graham, we love you really! But you wouldn't be our first choice as a yoga partner.

Lloyd-Webber on Hollyoaks - the verdict!

We're shameless enough to admit that we actually saw this last night - strictly for research purposes, you understand.

Andy L-W was pursued around London by desperate wannabe Summer, and coldheartedly rejected her mediocre attempt at auditioning on the street because she was obviously a loon.

It really was one of the most embarrassing, rubbish, television moments we've observed in recent times, and we'd like to advise Webber to stay away from the screen in future and stick to the stage — and even that in a strictly behind-the-scenes capacity, thanks very much.

This sorry debacle led us to ponder further on celebrity cameos in soaps, and why they're ALWAYS shit. Seriously, it's one of life's great mysteries! We are, obviously, not referring to the Pet Shop Boys appearing in Neighbours — that legendary moment was the exception that proves the rule.

UPDATE: Oh ok, we've just read this — and must admit its rather a clever idea on Lloyd-Weber's part. She REALLY didn't seem particularly good in those scenes though, but maybe it's impossible not to take on an air of talentlessness when appearing on Hollyoaks.

Cat-astrophe

Seems we missed the biggest news from the SAG awards in our report yesterday, as became clear when we came across this headline this morning: Beckinsale cat goes up in flames.

Now THAT'S a headline - it's virtually impossible not to read on, n'est pas?

The lovely Kate Beckinsale's lovely (we assume) cat, Clive, apparently set fire to himself on a candle just as she was heading out to the awards ceremony. It's alright though, he didn't actually 'go up in flames' (damn you, overdramatic headline!), and he's now fine, with 'no idea what happened to him'.

Phew!

SAG gives Brit talent an uplift

Nice to see us Brits scooping the two main acting prizes at the Screen Actors Guild awards. Daniel Day-Lewis got the prize for his sensitive portrayal of a woman facing senile dementia in Away From Her, while Julie Christie triumphed as a ruthless oil baron in There Will Be Blood. Or was that the other way round? We forget.

Anyway, favourite award speech of the evening was from amazing actor, lust object and all-round God of everything Javier Bardem (you could say we're fans), who won best supporting actor for his role in the stonking Coen Brothers flick No Country For Old Men. He said: "Thank you for choosing the good takes instead of the ones where I really sucked."

We can't see Day-Lewis ever speaking with such humility... still, he did dedicate his prize to Heath Ledger, which is nice we suppose, if a little bandwagon-jumping seeing as he didn't know him and had never worked with him...

Oh, the tedium

Wow, London has veritably confirmed it's status as a cutting edge interrnational music capital with the unveiling of the lineup for the Hard Rock Calling festival in Hyde Park this summer:

The Police, Eric Clapton, KT Tunstall and Starsailor.

Woo.

Obviously all these people sell a lot of records (with the possible exception of Starsailor?), but could this lineup be any more MOR?

Still, Celebritish doesn't give two hoots as we're buggering off to Benicassim - far preferable to standing around in a park, possibly in the rain, and probably surrounded by a bunch of middle-aged saddoes playing air guitar.

Ashley's bra-vellous in bed

Another day, another seedy shag revelation about that dirty dawg Ashley Cole.

This time, the 'stunning blonde' in question is Brooke Healy, who claims she pulled the football player after a night at Funky Buddha.

Again, some of the quotes are comedy gold, notably:

"He took my bra off. It was so hot."

Um, bra taking-off is really quite a standard manouevre leading up to the act of lurve Brooke, but hey, good on you, a pessimist is never disappointed eh? And then:

"I told him not to pull my hair because I had hair extensions in."

This is quite possibly be the chavviest, skankiest sex quote we've ever heard.

As Celebritish pointed out on Friday, Cheryl is hot and could do far better. We're sure there are plenty of men out there who would happily put up with the gentle whistling of the breeze blowing through the empty space between her ears.

Halliwell 4 Walliams

New couple alert! David Walliams has worked his smarmy charm on Geri Halliwell and apparently they've been dating for a few weeks. Their friend told a shitty tabloid:

“They have been secretly dating since the New Year and nobody knows. They are very tactile with each other and he’s such a gent. Geri just can’t stop smiling.”

We're not sure if Geri's permanent smile is down to excess botox or happiness but still they'd make a lovely couple.

Thankfully their 'friend' who was sworn to secrecy was on call to tell us how Geri and David will react when they find out their little secret is out:

“They will be gutted when news of their relationship leaks as until now they’ve been able to carry on without anyone knowing.”

What kind of a friend are you? "Ooh, I love it when my friends are gutted! I can't wait to see their faces when they realise one of their closest mates has invited the World's media to piss on the tentative early flames of love"

Anyway, we give it 3 weeks.

Ashley Cole is love sick

Everyone will have read the story about Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl by now so we won't bother explaining it but we did like this bit:

“Ashley is wild. He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good."

Apart from the "pretty good" suggesting he left something to be desired we'd say that's a 3 star review so then we're a little surprised to hear:

"We started having sex but then he was sick all over the cream carpet."

Jesus Christ, this girl is easily pleased. If he "knew exactly what he was doing" why on earth would he make the rather odd decision to vomit as they did the business? Is this what young people are doing these days? We despair!

More to the point, can't Cheryl do better than Ashley? First it was alleged mobile phones up alleged bums, now it's allegedly being sick whilst allegedly cheating on her. Cheryl if you're reading this, one half of Celebritish would be more than happy to make a substitution.

Update: In a Celebritish exclusive: we've found the video! (it's a bit nsfw)

Wino in rehab - again

Yes, she might say no no no, but Amy's family and record company have said yes yes yes, and she's off to rehab for the fourth time .

Her father Mitch wants her sectioned apparently - come now Mitch, the Zutons cover wasn't THAT bad!

He said: "She thinks she can do what she does and get on with her life". Well, yeah, she's right there really isn't she - just depends how long she wants that life to be...

Double NOOOO!!!

Today just gets worse and worse. First the terrible UB40 news and now we discover Jeremy Beadle is in intensive care.

Much as we despise the man - and christ, he made enough people suffer with his TV shows - we wouldn't wish life-threatening pneumonia on anyone and in a very rare show of Celebritish good will, we would like to send Beadle our best wishes for a speedy recovery. Then we can get back to the important work of mocking his funny little hand.

NOOOOO!

Well, we thought our week had hit the ultimate low with the sad demise of Heath Ledger. But, no, today some news has emerged that sees us sitting in front of our screens barely able to conceal our sobbing from concerned colleagues.

Yes, Friday 25th January 2008 will go down in history as the day Ali Campbell announced he was quitting UB40.

We're trying to be strong, but really, this has rocked British music to the core hasn't it? What's that, no it hasn't? Ah, sorry, our mistake. And that of most of the papers and news sites today, who seem to be reporting the break-up of a band who were past their mediocre best 20 or so years ago as if it's some sort of major event.

Quantum Of Whatnow?

Celebritish is unsurprised by the new Bond film title — in that it's pretentious and meaningless, just like the Bond franchise has been since Daniel Craig got on board.

What really bugged us about the last film, Casino Royale, was that it was hailed by many critics as some sort of masterpiece which brought a new depth to 007. Well, then we went to see it, and guess what, it was all about guns, gadgets, chases and sexy girls. Which is fine, but at least have the good grace to admit it rather than pretending it's somehow deeper and more meaningful than the ones with Connery, Moore et al.

The only real difference is that the previous Bonds have actually been attractive — we know they were going for 'gritty', but choosing a lead man who looks like his face has had a run-in with a road gritter is surely a bridge too far!

Mourning has broken

Now we've got over the untimely death of Mr Ledger we're back to mock the z-listers. Hurrah!

We know what you're thinking: what on earth is Brian May doing employing Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen as his stylist?

But take a closer look and you will see the twat dressed as a twat is in fact Michael Portillo dressed as Charles II to promote the Chelsea Festival.

It's hard to believe that this man opposed homosexuals joining the armed forces isn't it?

We actually quite like Michael, if only for his rampant flirting with Diane Abbot on 'This Week', but there is something very wrong with people in politics trying to be funny. Was nothing learned from Blair's cameo on Catherine Tate?

Who says politics can't be fun? Well, everyone, and they'd be right.

Sob

Celebritish are a bit too sad about Heath Ledger's untimely death today to be our usual scurrilous selves. Yes, he's not a Brit so technically he's not in our remit, but he's an Aussie, and therefore from a race the Americans often mistake for Brits, which is almost the same thing. And anyway, news of this magnitude deserves a mention. RIP Heath.

Meanwhile, Winehouse smirks at having avoided the grim reaper's icy blade once again. Sometimes, we think having your obit ready and waiting at all the major newspapers offers some kind of divine protection. That would explain the continued existence of Shane MacGowan and Shaun Ryder to name but two.

Shock! Horror!

Readers, it is with great discomfort that we reveal to you the fact that promotional shots of Kelly Osbourne in Chicago were photoshopped.

We know, we couldn't believe it either, she's always so photogenic that we had no idea technological hocus-pocus would ever be used on her.

Honest as ever, Kelly reveals:

“They airbrushed my chin, because I had a little bit of a double chin"

Well that's a relief, we sometimes suffer from "a little bit of a double chin" so we can sympathise with her but wait, there's more:

"under my arm - because my corset was pulled in so tight I got a fanny pit"

My god, in this twisted quest for perfection will celebrities not stop at nothing? Wearing a corset so tight it forces your private parts under your arm is just wrong. I hope you're happy Dita Von Teese...

Oh, it seems we were wrong, it's just "in the picture it looked like a vagina!” Thank goodness for that, anyway we thought all she talked about these days was losing weight? Here we go:

"Today, the media looks down more on someone who’s overweight than someone who’s a junkie. For f**k’s sake, they glorify Pete Doherty!”

Eh? The only person who glorifies Pete Doherty is Pete Doherty, everyone else thinks he's a pathetic waste of oxygen. Anyway, there are more important things to discuss, like Kelly's dress size:

“Even when I was bigger, I still don’t consider myself to have been fat. Being a size 12 is not fat. Just because I’m a size 8-10 now doesn’t mean that a size 12 was fat.”

Did you hear that you fattist bastards? She's size 8 now and don't you forget it! So you'll have to stop taking the piss out of her. But we thought the point was that being fat was nothing to be ashamed of anyway? How very confusing.

Martin McCutcheon: She's not bitter

Another lazy, long weekend for Celebritish (we wish) but we're back now with all the freshest celebrity guff.

Martine McCutcheon has revealed she only left Los Angeles because it was "brutal".

Nope, it's nothing to do with the fact work dried up after her one commission – a never to be broadcast TV show – it's down to the US movie industry and Martine has an axe to grind (well, a girls gotta work):

"Once you do three movies, you’re over.”

Hmm well if you consider Love Actually is probably only about a tenth American this means she managed 0.333% of her allotted time in the limelight. It must be a record!

"Even Cameron Diaz is old hat now."

Yes, Cameron probably isn't getting as much work as she once was but two Hollywood blockbusters a year is arguably better than a 10th of one in your entire career. We'd go for Cameron's old hat over Martine's Echo Beach every time.

On the day "Norbit" gets nominated for an Oscar (admittedly it's for best makeup but still...) perhaps Hollywood does deserve some scorn but we're sure there must be someone with a better CV to do the job? Where's Holly Valance when you need her?

Sienna shy about nudity for once

Mixed feelings about this one - Sienna Miller has won a privacy case against a photographer who took nude pics of her without her consent.

Fair play - although Sienna is one of those actresses who will only keep her clothes on if the role really demands it, that's her public life, and her private life is a different matter, right?

But it turns out the snapper took these photos while she was filming a scene for Hippie Hippie Shake. Yes, he shouldn't have been taking pictures on a closed film set, but if she was being filmed in the nuddy for a soon-to-be widely distributed movie, can he really be accused of breaching her privacy? We suspect this case is more to do with publicity for a second rate Brit flick than with Sienna's "extreme distress".

And come on, Si-Si, "extreme distress" is surely an emotion one should reserve for occasions that really merit it. Being trapped in a lift with June Sarpong, for example, or propositioned by Rik Waller — to name but two events that have occurred in what has been an action-packed week for Celebritish. What lives we lead!

Kate goes at it for 34 hours straight

We suppose we can't ignore Kate Moss's birthday bender — or stifle our giggles at the fact she didn't make it the intended 34 hours, instead crashing after a mere 18. Amateur!

We must admit we're quite jealous of the party-an-hour-for-each-year-of-your-life idea, and wish we'd had it first. What's more, if we did it we would resist the temptation to dress up as the lovechild of Simon and the Witch and Noddy Holder. This is one Moss look we can not see catching on.