A Twisted Carol

Nope this isn't about Margaret Thatcher's daughter, its even worse.

There is to be a comedy pantomime reworking of A Christmas Carol starring Alfie Allen, Jaime Winstone, David Gest, Harry Enfield and Miquita Oliver.

We're struggling to put a positive spin on this – it is for charity after all – but we can't. Pantomimes are supposed to be the antithesis of cool, when did they become so hip as to warrant the occupants of the Hawley Arms joining in?

I suppose it could be worse, Chesney Hawkes' Christmas Cracker extravaganza at Club 1 in Ascot has the following line up. Read it and quite literally weep: Chesney Hawkes, Tony Hawks, Bobby Davro, Jason Donovan, Nik Kershaw, Brandon Block, Rick Parfitt Jnr, Bernard Cribbins

ps. Alfie Allen was supposed to be at the launch of A Twisted Carol but didn't turn up. Does this signal the end to a very, very short romance with Jaime Winstone? I do hope so, then she can get on with her important work for the celebrity sibling inbreeding programme.

Shame on you Heat magazine!

Celeb gossip bible Heat magazine has been forced to apologise to Katie Price after it printed an offensive sticker of her little boy Harvey, who is blind with a growth disorder which makes him larger than the average five-year-old. The sticker bore the legend: "Harvey wants to eat me".

We hate to say it, but Jordan is right in this case. Here at Celebritish we only take the piss out of non-disabled adults (well, Chantelle's kind of borderline on the disabled spectrum but we'll let that go...)

Note to Heat: next time you want to make a funny sticker playing on someone's weight, there's plenty of mileage in Rik Waller and Robbie Williams. And THEY deserve it, they're fat on purpose. Lazy bastards.

A match made in the dark pits of hell

An air of grim inevitability about this one. Chanelle off the worst Big Brother ever has been seen getting Chiggy (geddit!!) with Calum Best . First response: gross. Second response: if ever two people deserved each other these two fame-hungry no-mark blondies are those people. So, um, good luck to 'em!

Though, to be honest, we can't see it becoming an enduring relationship based on a genuine meeting of subtle, beautiful minds. How can we possibly make this prediction you ask? Psychic powers, that's how — coming into play again for the second time in one week! Mystic Meg, eat your black heart out...

It ain't over til the fat "lady" wins

I'm A Celebrity will grind to a halt tonight with Christopher Biggins being crowned jungle king (don't hold us to that but it looks likely).

Celebritish has tried to stay up to date with the goings on in the jungle but frankly life gets in the way so we really have no idea whats going on.

Apparently it's just Biggins, Janice Dickinson and J (is he still 'J from Five' or is he famous enough to be 'J' now?) left in the jungle, so the fight is between a panto king and an ex-model. Oh the glamour.

There we have it, another year of I'm A Celeb and this one was more boring than ever. Any chance of romance was stamped out by ITV letting Marc Bannerman leave (bring back vote rigging, we say). And you can put as many Gemma Atkinson's in the jungle as you like but all they add is wank-fodder for Zoo magazine.

Speaking of which, Gemma has been giving insightful interviews since being booted out:

“I lost a stone in there, so I need to stock up on food now. Thankfully I didn’t lose it from my breasts, which is the main thing – I didn’t want to lose them.”

How you would "lose" implants by dropping a stone we don't know, but thank goodness eh?

“I’m really looking forward to learning how to kiss again with Marcus [Bent]. It’ll be like having butterflies on a first date again.”

Christ, she is so lacking in brain cells she has forgotten how to kiss in 3 weeks?! Also, "having butterflies on a first date"? We normally go for a prawn cocktail but each to their own.

We have a suspicion IACGMOOH might come to an end in a year or two just as Celebrity Big Brother has. It seems the public are deserting pointless celebrity reality TV and going for quality shows like Strictly Come Dancing instead. Hooray for Bruce Forsyth, saviour of British television!

Britain's best?

So next year's Brit Awards extravaganza is to be hosted by Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Great. Don't get us wrong, we enjoyed The Osbournes as much as the next person, and we have a soft spot for addled old bumbler Ozzy (in fact one of us even used to get mistaken for him in nightclubs, despite being still in his teens at the time!) But come on, their moment has passed surely?

Unsurprisingly, the Brits tends to go best when presented by someone who is, you know, actually a presenter? Russell Brand made a reasonable fist of it last year, for example. Yeah yeah, Russell Brand, fist, we can't be bothered to think up the joke.

Shazza is a mentor on the X Factor, true, but really that's more of an acting job. And Ozzy reading an autocue? Dear Lord! Presumably ITV1 are hoping for some "controversial" swearing. Whoopee do. These days surely it would be more controversial and cutting edge to have a well-organised, professionally presented awards show where people were polite to each other and the right acts won. OK it's not rock 'n' roll but the Brits has NEVER been that.

Finally, there's something unnerving about the presenting combo of a grizzled old rocker and a woman who talks about her breasts a lot which just doesn't bode well... now what is it... we have to gaze back into the mists of time... ah, yes, that's it.

Christopher Simpson: Celebritish Hottie Of The Week!

In a new regular feature (well as regular as either of us spotting a famous-ish person who tickles our fancy), we present to you the Celebritish Hottie of the Week — actor Christopher Simpson!

Celebritish (well one of us, guess which) went to see Brick Lane last night. We thought it was very good (note to fellow writers: please don't plagiarise this eloquent and detailed review), and we were particularly impressed by Christopher, who plays the really hot one the main character has an affair with.

You might remember him from Channel 4 drama White Teeth, where he played the really hot one, or Channel 4 drama Second Generation, where he played the really hot one. He is soon to be seen playing the really hot one in something else, probably.

Interesting fact!: Despite playing Asian roles, Christopher is in fact the product of an Irish father and a Greek-Rwandan mother. Nice work, guys!

Dermot deserts a sinking ship

Little Dermot O'Leary has announced he's to quit as the host of Big Brother's Little Brother. Which must be rather bad news for BB producers, as Dermot was undoubtedly the strongest talent attached to the show this year (that's saying something, true, but to be fair he is pretty good at BBLB and we can't think of any obvious candidates to take his place).

We totally understand why he's left though — whenever Celebritish might be feeling our lives are a touch monotonous, we think of Dermot and thank God we don't have to spend what appears to be about a third of every year these days pretending, in an enthusiastic fashion, to give a toss about a charmless bunch of fucktards, who get progressively, inexorably worse year on year. That said, we wouldn't mind the pay packet, obviously... Ah sod it, Channel 4, pick us!! We love the show!

PS: He's a rootin' tootin' Romeo! Not many people know this, but our picture proves that Dermot actually formed Celebritish favourites Steps before deserting them to forge a career in television. Bad move, Derm!

Blobbie Williams!!!@@@!!? *ROFL*

Another day of unflattering pictures for Robbie Williams (yet again, due to copyright reasons we can't bring you the real picture).

We thought we'd analyse the story from "Gordon Smart's Bizarre" in The Sun this morning and assess how the new editor is getting on:

"ROB'S MORE LIKE WOBBLY WILLIAMS"

Even Celebritish managed to construct a better headline. Could do better.

"ROBBIE WILLIAMS might have a cheeky wee wriggler on his arm but she has done nothing for his dress sense."

To put this into context, Robbie is accompanied by a lady in the picture. We don't understand the connection between Robbie and fishing, perhaps he's been listening to Ashanti? (A shanty, like a sea shanty, like the fishermen sing?... sod ya then)

"Or maybe American soap actress AYDA FIELD likes going out with hairy tramps to make her look better?"

Get you, Gordon!

"Robbie once said he wore three-quarter length jackets to make him look slimmer. But dressing as the Michelin Man in this padded jacket does the fella no favours either."

It seems like they're desperately foraging through press cuttings to bulk up the story now. Celebritish would never do such a thing.

"It must have been so cold when he went out to buy half a pound of the country’s finest mushrooms that he added an extra layer to keep warm."

Sounds like Gordon has been hitting the mushrooms himself! What is he going on about?

"Never mind Rudebox, Robbie looks like he’s been living in a cardboard box."

Hooray! He finishes of with a joke that actually vaguely works!

Just to recap, a lame headline, surreal story, bad jokes, desperation. Yes this is Celebritish at its best.

Celebritish's big celebrity predictions

Receiving a press release about upcoming T4 programme Celebrity Predictions, hosted by rent-a-twat Dave Berry, got us thinking. What on earth does lie in store for our favourite celebrities in the coming year? Or even our unfavourite celebrities, such as those covered in the show: Winehouse, Doherty, Chantelle, Preston, Wills and Kate?

Well, here goes. Look back on this post in a year and marvel at our extreme psychic-ness:

Winehouse: certain death

Doherty: not death, he appears immune to it. Instead, he'll successfully kick the drugs, and take his music in a more poppy direction. A collaboration with Booty Luv sends him to number one with a bullet!

Chantelle: obscurity (we hope). Pregnancy by a fellow Z-list celebrity, leading to an annoyingly lucrative photoshoot with some rubbish magazine (more likely).

Preston: outrages Ordinary Boys fans by taking the band in a death metal direction and changing his name to Gerhardt Gutrot. Outrages non-Ordinary Boys fans by continuing to exist and make music at all.

Wills and Kate: Wills' well-publicised baldness will have him tortured by thoughts of ageing and his own mortality so we're guessing: engagement! Let's all buy hats!

Mel B "will continue to speak"

Mel B has come a disappointing second in Dancing With The Stars.

She lost out to Helio Castroneves (ummm, us neither) on audience votes, despite the judges thinking she was the best. A shame, because the Spice Girl said before the results were announced that "to be embraced by America would leave me speechless". Damn you America, why didn't you vote for her on that promise?

Judge Bruno Tonioli (who must be personally responsible for most of the earth's carbon emissions, as he's managing to judge Dancing With The Stars and Strictly at the same time), called Mel "a complete dancer". We knew she was a complete something.

Her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy added that Mel had "improved 100 per cent" in their ten weeks together. So she must have been properly cack to begin with then. OK, he's a dancer not a statistician, but Celebritish are pedants and don't tolerate that kind of thing.

Fierce Piers

“The most grasping, awful, horrific self-publiciser I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Who's this? It's Piers Morgan of course! Unfortunately he isn't having a grim realisation as the Ghost Of Christmas Past takes him on a tour of his life so far, he's actually referring to Heather Mills who he says "needs to go away."

He has a point, and we can't really argue with people slagging off Heather but, anyone who has read his column in the Mail on Sunday will know how horrifically awful he is and if she needs to go away then so does he.

He goes on to say “I think I’m above Jade Goody! I’d say I’m bigger than Madonna too!”

We've yet to meet anyone below Jade Goody on the pecking order so that's not really something to brag about, however suggesting he's more famous than Madonna is laughable. He is an disgraced ex-Newspaper editor and talent show judge. She is a popstar who has been in the business for nearly 25 years and whose last album sold 11 million copies.

Having said all that, he did write a jolly good book about Take That so we'll let him win this one.

Haha, Bono, you LOSE!

Okay, a bit of a lighthearted headline for what is essentially a story about death and destruction, but man, we really hate that Bono Vox.

And, according to a press release sent to Celebritish towers, so do the African people he's trying to help or be worshipped by, we can't make out which.

Jobs Selasi, founder of African AIDS Action, has released a statement saying Bono 'n' Bob Geldof are "crippling Africa", and that celebrity campaigners serve only to "increase corruption and dependency". His words, our thoughts, nice one Jobs.

So, celebrities, stick to what you're good at. Polticians don't attempt pop careers (with the possible exception of Boris Johnson if recent reports are to be believed), so don't think that just because people (inexplicably) like your songs, this somehow makes you an authority on anything other than being able to rhyme words like "mole", "hole" and "soul" (yes, really, in Elevation — maybe this charidee work is his way of repenting for sins against the English language).

Mel B - favourite

Our appetite for the Spice Girls' home coming has been whetted repeatedly over the last few weeks with the stunning Tesco advert and their career-defining new single. Now Mel B has become favourite to win Dancing With The Stars and we are peeing our collective pants in anticipation of the gigs next month in London. Conveniently, tickets for said shows are going for as little as 99p on ebay so we're in luck!

In other news Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes turned up at one of the Girl's rehearsals with their daughter Suri.

Victoria said: "It was lovely of them to come down to rehearsals. Katie has told me that she used to be a big Spice fan."

"Used to be"?!!! Clearly Katie has been abducted by aliens (we've always had our suspicions about Tom) and doesn't know the Spice Girls have reunited. GIRL POWER FOREVER!

Robbie beard alert

Robbie Williams has a new beard! This time we're not talking about an out of work "model" but a beautiful bushy facial covering.

He was pictured on holiday in Amsterdam avoiding the paparazzi by wearing a hideous puffer jacket, wooly hat and shades. Very inconspicious Rob, god knows how they spotted you.

The eagle-eyed among you might have noticed that the above picture is infact a mock-up as due to legal reasons we can't bring you the actual pictures – just buy a copy of The Sun if you're that bothered.

Cowell goes world-class

Ooh, here's a new and exciting idea from the big greedy brain of Mr Simon Cowell: The World's Got Talent . Yes, an international version of the reality show that recent Celebritish star Paul Potts won.

According to Toothshine McHighwaist: "The planet has been crying out for a world talent competition."

Has it Simon? Has it really? The planet might be crying out for a number of things — world peace perhaps, an end to hunger, evil dictators and climate change. What the planet has not been crying out for is a world talent competition. Especially if "the planet" has a long enough memory to recall the horror that was "World Idol", where Will Young disappointed himself and others with a lame-ass performance, but it didn't matter anyway as "the planet" decided that a terrible Kurt Cobain impersonator from Norway or somewhere was, in fact, the idol of the world. Ah, happy memories.

Lil's heartfelt response

Lily Allen has revealed that the reason behind her recent weight loss was finding out that shehas a heart murmur. Hmm. All very well to head to the gym, tone up and cut down on the biscuits, but surely there are some other habits that Lily appears to be still indulging in that won't be doing her heart much good? We refer ONLY to her well-publicised heavy drinking sessions and smoking, not to ANYTHING ELSE that might aid weight loss while at the same time not being very good for your heart...

"Edgy media hangout"... "Phil Collins"... bad times!

Dear Lord, this really is a corker. Phil Collins and fellow Genesis member Mike Rutherford are launching an "edgy" members' club for the media. Well, obviously Genesis' entire musical output does demonstrate that they are cool-as-fuck, finger-on-the-pulse guys, so this HAS to be a success right? It's aiming to rival Soho House, which is itself a vomit-inducing wank-fest extraordinaire. So actually, Collins might be just the man...

Doesn't it seem that so many slebs and plebs are opening members' clubs in our fair capital lately that there's absolutely nothing exclusive about them any more anyway, even if you are someone who cares about that sort of thing? Celebritish would never join any club that would have us as members anyway. And we DEFINITELY wouldn't join any club that would have Phil Collins as a member.

Small penises Aloud

Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud has spoken out about her democratic views on penis size:

"Size doesn't matter to me, it’s all about what you do with it!"

We hear women saying this all the time (not to us, you understand) but we just can't believe it coming from Sarah.

In the past she has dated Calum Best, Mikey Green from Phixx and Joe Mott who are all undeniably massive penises.

Good riddance to Rodney

Rodney Marsh, the very personification of unpleasantness, has unsurprisingly been voted out of the I'm A Celebrity jungle. He was in the bottom two with Gemma Atkinson, but the great British public decided that dull-with-nice-tits definitely beats nasty-with-manboobs.

While on the show, Rodders built a charming hate-hate relationship with the only marginally less vile Lynne Franks. In his exit interview he declared: "I despise everything she stands for."

As far as Celebritish can see, she doesn't really stand for anything. She much prefers the lazier "seated" position.

Economy Brand

Russell Brand has revealed he would like an orgy with the Spice Girls.

This isn't so surprising – Russell would indulge in carnal relations with a toaster so long as it promised not to sell it's story to The Daily Star – but his standards do seem to be slipping. Not so long ago he was linked to Kate Moss, now he's going for five washed-up has beens.

He said he “wouldn’t put them in an order. I think they’re lovely." And went on to say he'd “try and sleep with all of them at once and I’m sure I’d fail miserably.”

He'd probably only fail because they can't bear to be in the same room as each other these days.

Incidentally, on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (we're not normally in on a Friday, honest!), Brand admitted if he knew he was about to die he'd "chat up Daniel Craig".

We've heard of some lame final requests but the opportunity to chat up the most tedious Bond in history beats them all.

Careless lisper

Fat-tongued allotment-botherer Jamie Oliver has offended Angelina Jolie by confusing the name of her son, Shiloh Pitt.

I think you can see whats coming, Jamie (with children called Daisy Boo and Poppy Honey - good luck at school you two!) blurted out "Piloh Shit" while asking how her children were.

He got a case of the "Jamie Shakers" (groan) when he realised his error and apologised profusely – thankfully it was a phone interview so she didn't end up sitting in a puddle of Jamie's dribble.

A little tip for Oliver, we've heard people don't take kindly to their children being called shit by mockney douche-bags.

Not a day too soon...

Perhaps it's a good thing that Michael Parkinson is throwing the towel in as he seems to have lost the plot.

"Over the years it has been a privilege to meet some of the most intelligent and interesting people."

I suppose he's has his fair share of A-listers, so he's consulted his wish list and booked the most intelligent and interesting people he could find for his last show. Yes, thats right, he managed to get David Beckham AND Jamie Cullum on the show!

Parky's finger is so far from the pulse of fashion that he appears to be prodding a big pile of shit. Anyway, let's just rejoice that his mutual bum-licking sessions with the stars are no more. Hooray!

Winehouse, you evil bitch!

It emerges today that not only is Amy Wino a druggy, boozy, shouty wench with disastrous taste in men. No, she's also a murderer of small animals. A "friend" has claimed that she might have dosed his beloved hamster with a fatal amount of crack.

Nice one Amy, clearly taking further lifestyle hints and tips from Doherty, who has been seen passing his cat the crackpipe on occasion. It's not big, it's not clever, and even Celebritish, sick puppies that we are, would dispute that it's funny.

Got us thinking though, how outraged animal-lover (and human-exploiter) Heather Mills would be though. As we know, she prefers to suck milk from rodents' teats, and we're sure she wouldn't want supplies contaminated with narcotics. We'd really love to see Amy and Heather having a fight, and any story that increases the likelihood of this momentous and terrifying event is not all bad.

That said, RIP Georgie Porgie the hamster :-(

Doing their bit for charity

Normally we like to keep Celebritish upbeat – you know, Jonathan Rhys Meyers' mother dying and Paul Danan calling children 'mother fuckers' – but today we feel the need to get serious. Serious about climate change.

Yes, last night was Club For Climate in London and celebrities such as Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, Nikki Grahame, Julian Bennett and Naomi Millbank-Smith lent their considerable weight to the cause of saving the World.

As they tried to look upbeat you could tell they were deeply moved by the pressing issues which were being intelligently discussed around a table inside. This truly was a meeting of minds.

At the end of the night, as they emerged, blinking into the light, and got into their hummers there was a sense that finally something was being done about this dreadful greenhouse gas. Thank heavens for these brave determined people.

Paul Danan swears at children

The Charter Theatre in Preston in all their wisdom signed up "the man with the most terrifying eyes in the World" to appear in their Christmas panto this year.

Ignoring the fact that he can't act and he left his last acting job citing an "ongoing heavy workload" (clearly rapey z-listers are popular these days), Preston council decided to cast him as Jack in Jack And The Beanstalk, appearing alongside such luminaries as Casey-Lee Jolleys (starred in 16 episodes of Corrie according to Wiki) and Paul Crone (not even on Wiki).

Danan was incomprehensibly asked to promote the show by flicking on some Christmas lights and you'd think Paul would be on his best behaviour, after all, acting jobs don't throw themselves at him these days and there will be kids present. He decided the best course of action to win the crowd over would be to shout a swear word and promptly get sacked from the production.

Councillor Ken Hudson:

"We're now looking for a new actor... someone who will wow the audience, but treat them with respect"

If that's what you were after, what on earth were you doing contacting Paul Danan?

Wowing the audience? Respect? This role is made for Richard Blackwood!

Potts succeeds where Williams failed

Have you been wondering why you haven't seen much of
Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts in the papers
lately? Maybe it's been getting you down... you've
been losing sleep... pining away even? We know, life
can be a bitch sometimes.

But wait! You needn't pine any more! It turns out that
the tuneful tubster has made it, um, big with
our friends across the pond. Yes, so big, in fact,
that he launched the Bloomingdale's holiday windows...
with Lance Bass! They did a duet and everything. Such
a beautiful thought, Celebritish truly wish they'd
been there instead of down the pub.

Paul also took the opportunity to show off his new,
cosmetically-enhanced gnashers. Vanity, thy name is
Potts.

Oh dear oh dear

The Spice Girls' stinking effort at a comeback single has totally bombed , despite being for charidee and all that. Hurrah! we thought, proof that the British public can think for themselves and not be conned by the hype surrounding what all right-thinking people know is A Bad Idea.

Then we read this bit:

"It's being roundly trounced by Shayne Ward."

Dear Lord people, at least some of the money from the Spice Girls record goes to help the poor l'il children in Africa (or somewhere)! There's just no excuse for the Ward one.

However, if ever there was a cue to just give up, being "roundly trounced" by Shayne is it.

Gemma Atkinson's lesbo secret

A shocking story today from The Daily Star – or the Celebritish Bible as we like to call it.

"SIZZLING Gemma Atkinson shocked her jungle pals yesterday by revealing a saucy lesbian secret."

Get in! Wey-hey!

"The ex-Hollyoaks star has been enjoying kinky girl-on-girl action with actress Jaime Winstone, 22 – daughter of movie hard man Ray."

What?! A REAL lesbian? Oh dear god, all my dreams are shattered. I might as well claw my eyes out now, there will be nothing worth watching on I'm A Celeb anymore.

"But fellas can breathe a sigh of relief – the sizzling clinches are all for a new movie."

Oh thank heavens for that, if she was really a lesbian, I couldn't possibly perve over her. Now I know she will be pretending to fancy the offspring of Ray Winstone I can become genuinely aroused!

Gemma has been telling the celebs in the jungle about filming what sounds like a 21st Century masterpiece.

"When it came to the kissing, [the director] basically said: ‘I just want you to go for it because the more you do it the more happy it’s going to be.’"

Yay, happy pretend lesbians!

“I didn’t dislike it. But it’s just awkward because there’s loads of crew there."

Wait a second, you just said you weren't a filthy lesbian, now you "didn't dislike it"?!

“Afterwards I felt a bit ‘Oooww’ and when I got home I felt a bit abused.”

Well that has entirely ruined the fantasy I was playing out in my head. Thanks a lot Atkinson you bitch.

Where are you Delia? Let's be having you! Come on!

Football mad celebrity chef Delia Smith is to return to our screens after retiring in 2002 due to being too old (her words, not ours).

The BBC has announced that she'll be back with a new series which promises to show "her using ready-made products alongside her own techniques and revealing shortcuts to take the effort out of cooking."

...Cannot compute, this is such a stunningly original idea we can't believe no one has thought of it before.

Oh wait a minute, they have, haven't they, in fact virtually every cookery show of the last 10 years has promised similar labour-saving techniques culminating in Nigella Lawson's current series featuring her, a barely functional wreck, dribbling chocolate down her dressing gown as she rants on about how little time people have these days.

We wish Delia luck in trying to breathe life into a tired format but we think she should probably stick to what she does best – laborious, patronising recipes for masochists with far too much time on their hands.

Meyers: doesn't touch a drop

Jonathan Rhys Meyers' appearances in the Daily Mail and the Metro were somewhat contradictory this morning. In a 60 Seconds interview, Johnny claimed: "I don't touch alcohol any more, under any circumstances."

In the Daily Mail, however, he was pictured clutching a can of super-strength cider at 10am. Hardcore. Still, his mum has just died so it's all very sad, and Celebritish extend our sympathies for what they're worth.

However, the true shock news is that Jonathan also opined in the Metro piece: "Orlando Bloom, as a movie star, is very hard to beat. I'd go to see an Orlando film, no problem."

Dear God, the man's problems clearly extend way beyond the odd spot of alcoholism. Nurse!

Pete: Not dreaming of a brown Christmas with Amy

Pete has been bragging about his new friendship with Wino in the papers again today.

As he arrived with his now trademark black eye for the latest court review of his rehab he confessed he'd been stalking... sorry talking to Amy every day since Blake Fielder Civil was locked away.

He suggested Blake and Amy are now clean – which sounds unlikely but possible – and that "love, music and melody is the way forward.”

Oh Pete, you old romantic, if they really are the way forward, then you, without a lady on the scene and an allergy to melody must be currently going backwards. This would explain your new addiction which seems to be getting filmed by The Sun snorting anything you can get his grubby little hands on.

Asked how his rehabilitation was going as he left the court he said he's "not dreaming of a white or a brown Christmas.”
All we're dreaming of here at Celebritish is one day without a mention of Amy and Pete in the papers. It doesn't seem likely though does it?

David Gest is a fan of musical theatre

Not only is he a fan of musical theatre but he is starring in a musical based on his life.

We have a particular interest in this story after spotting him at Gilgamesh in Camden recently and seeing what a sad state he's in. He seems to be befriending all the young Camdenites by taking them to the toilet every 10 minutes for some kind of pupil narrowing activities. Admittedly this is rather common in London but we can't see it making a very good musical.

He might be a mess but we still can't help warming to him when he comes out with quotes like this:
"In my wildest imaginations, I never thought I'd be dancing, singing and performing to over 100,000 people throughout the UK - considering I have no real talent, this is quite a feat."

The press release then shifts to fairyland where Michael Jackson (or Gest putting on a Jacko voice?) is quoted as saying:
"We never thought we would see the day David Gest would sing and dance in public. Now he is working on flips and dances with little people. Considering David can't sing and can't dance it will be amazing to see just how nuts he gets on stage!"

Michael Jackson knows all about working with little people so perhaps he'll lend a hand at the Apollo on 20 February next year. It's for charity after all.

ps. He is Celebritish because lives in Britain, so shut up!

Chanelle causes a stink

Thats right, the genetic splicing of Chantelle Houghton and Victoria Beckham that calls herself Chanelle Hayes is the latest z-lister to start selling her noxious fumes in a bottle.

Tastefully named 'Mwah', the fragrance promises to be an exhilarating cocktail of desperation and stupidity with notes of arrogance.

Although we're getting used to anybody and everybody getting their own nausea inducing 'fumes out in time for Christmas (the clock is ticking, Kate McCann) the truly depressing fact is that members of the British public will actually buy them. Much as we hate Chanelle, she is merely a catalyst to our countries collapse.

"Mwah" will be available in all good pharmacies (and Superdrug) next week.

Cerys and Marc get wild in the jungle

Oooh, saucy! It seems Cerys Matthews and Marc Bannerman are getting on really, really well, which is great news for the I'm A Celeb ratings folks, but not such great news for Marc's girlfriend Sarah Matravers. Marc, you rat!

However, his ladyfriend does go a bit far with her threats to "cut off his kangaroo balls". Sarah, sweetie, the best revenge is living well. And also, "kangaroo balls"? Does the ex-Ender have "weird balls", a la Mark on Peep Show? The nation needs to know! (and we're sure Cerys won't take long finding out).

Heather: face of rat's milk

Hardcore harridan Heather Mills has been spouting off at Hyde Park Speakers' Corner (well, at least that's a location at which you're supposed to do that sort of thing, so a happy, if most likely coincidental, union of location and mouth almighty).

What we don't quite get (Heather? Irrational arguments? Surely not!) is that she seems to be demanding the whole world goes vegan, at the same time as celebrating the superior qualities of rat's milk over the more standard cow's-udder version.

Which beggars the really obvious question: in what way is rat's milk any more vegan than cow's milk? It also beggars the really obvious response: ewwww!

And Viva, any charity using a celeb with such an, ahem, 'difficult' reputation, needs to sort its PR department out pronto.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, no wonder the lion is asleep

Celebritish was lucky enough to catch all the "action" from the I'm A Celebrity jungle last night, and noted the following things:

1) There was an amusing moment when Rodney Marsh demanded everyone should "get wood". Lynne Franks then told him it was "absurd" to ask her to get wood. Well, obviously! Celebritish was disappointed to realise that they were in fact conversing about collecting firewood. How dull! It comes to something when the best entertainment a programme can offer up is some inadvertent double entendre (that said, a bit of inadvertent double entendre is one of life's true joys).

2) "J" is fairly fit, but not a patch on Matt "Love God" Willis last year.

3) Celebrities "will do anything for a mini chocolate cup". Admittedly we garnered this information from the unfathomably dreadful Iceland ads that frame the show (Katona we fully understand but Jason Donovan, why?!?!). Still, useful information we think you'll agree.

4) John Burton Race "is a twat" — and that's not (just) our opinion, he admitted it on camera and everything! We'd like to also add that he's an "unbalanced twat", as he was willing to die in a sweaty jeep rather than be the first to get voted off the show. Um, ok...

5) Cerys or Marc to win! They both seem nice.

The Spice Girls - first night report

"Stop right now, thank you very much" - no, that wasn't the audience heckling, it was the popular music song "Stop" by popstars The Spice Girls which opened their first live show in 10 years.

The crowd "Hollered" as they took to the stage and stole all the "Headlines" during their comeback show in L.A. for Agent Provocateur.

They proved you can't have "Too Much" of a good thing and they're still capable of "Spicing Up Your Life".

"Who do you think you are" speculating that they might have been miming? These girls aren't "Wannabe's"!!!!

They'll be performing at the O2 Arena next month, and hope you "Say You'll Be There"

This looks set "2 Become 1" of the reunions of the year!

Lets hope we won't be saying "Goodbye" to them any time soon, we think they should "Viva Forever"!!!!!

(stick that in your pipe and smoke it Victoria Newton)

There's life in the old girl yet

Actress Jane Seymour has been pissing her neighbours off with her constant noisy part-ays. The Dr Quinn Medicine Woman star has been putting La Moss and Davinia Taylor to shame with her 24-hour antics, and (harsh words these), locals wish that Robbie Williams, a prevous occupant, was back in the gaff instead.

Apparently, Robbie was 'more considerate' as a neighbour. This is reported as if it's somehow surprising, but come on, to have a party you have to have friends, right? So Robbie was NEVER going to be a problem.

Still, respect to Jane for partying so hard in the face of such opposition. Celebritish also aim to be the oldest swingers in town when we reach her venerable age.

Sir Jim'll, we salute you

In an age and a country full of whinging victims, it's good to see an old school celebrity putting a positive spin on a situation that would no doubt make a younger one sell some tedious 'My crime hell' story to the tabs. Yes, Sir Jimmy Saville described getting mugged (and by a girl too) as a 'marvellous' experience.

The chick apparently jumped on Jimmy to nick his high-fashion 'Lennon-style' glasses straight from his head. Sir Jimmy proclaimed that he thoroughly enjoyed the experience as he hasn't been jumped on by a girl for about 50 years (women of England, what is wrong with you?!) He then said if he found the girl he'd buy her a box of chocolates. Now THAT'S a gentleman.

Celebritish is now off to steal Ronnie Corbett's bow tie in the hope of a nice bunch of flowers.

Wino tour - first night report

Wino's Travelling Circus teetered into Birmingham yesterday for the first date of the UK tour.

Unsurprisingly there was drama and most fans were left disppointed.

She turned the night into a bizarre tribute to her dodgy geezer Blake including, in a stroke of genius, changing Me & Mr Jones into Me & Mr Blakey.

For some reason some fans started leaving at this point, the dirty stop outs.

She went on to slur like a tramp:
“Let me tell you something. First of all, if you’re booing you’re a mug for buying a ticket."

Nice one Amy! Obviously the fans were a tad foolish to pay an extortionate amount of money for tickets and to expect you to be anything other than a mess, but isn't openly mocking them taking it a bit far?

“Second to all the people booing, just wait till my husband gets out.”

Now threatening to get your fans beaten up! At least when her 'innocent' thug of a husband tracks them down they can expect to be blackmailed with £200,000. That should nicely cover the cost of the ticket.

Finally, a Sun reader reported it “was so bad it was like swinging a cat round your head.” Get your tickets for the Brixton Academy shows now!

See, Robbie, there's no need to be such a spoilsport

Oh thank goodness — Celebritish is pleased and relieved to report that Ronan Keating will be joining Stephen, Mikey, Shane... um... Kian... um... oh no that's Westlife isn't it... — well, he's joining four other Irish men on the Boyzone reunion tour! We had our fears that the tour might be a rather dull affair, but with Wildman Ronan on board it'll really kick off.

OK, we're joking, but still, Ronan rejoining is a good example to Robbie Williams, showing that there's no harm in celebrating the band who made you famous in the first place, and actually refusing to do so makes you look like an arse and sends your career off onto the skids. But we're guessing Rob's probably worked that one out, as he sits drinking his 60 cups of Espresso a day in his LA mansion, all alone... It's an unbearably sad image, really, so let's move on, and rejoice in Ronan's simple, untortured little soul.

More proof that life's unfair

I dunno, that Hugh Grant eh? He goes around looking grumpy, throwing tubs of baked beans at photographers, moaning on about the troubles in his ridiculously privileged life and generally being a miserable old
boot. Which is why Celebritish were not overjoyed at the rather un-karmic news that he managed to get £9m richer last night, just by selling a picture by some bloke called Warhole! We don't know much about this artist, but we didn't like him in Factory Girl, he was totally mean to Sienna.

Anyway, just think of all the baked beans and tupperware Hugh can buy with that princely sum! And we bet even that didn't put a smile upon his face...

The many faces of Celebritish

After being inspired by the Metro this morning we thought we'd do a straw poll in the office and make a male and a female Celebritish Frankenstein of all our favourite celebrity faces. We eventually decided to do it with Photoshop rather than scalpels and string.

The votes were very close but Jordan's bouffant pipped Wino's beehive to the post for hair.
Then Samanda's blinkers narrowly beat Fiona Bruce's leering eyes.
Jodie Marsh's nose is a work of art and noone was going to stand in the way of it.
Finally Judy Finnegan's many chins edged ahead of Heather Mills' shriek-trumpet for the chin and mouth combo.

Then it was on to the men:
Beating Russell Brand by a whisker (arf) was Rhys Ifans' "do".
Even Jonathan Rhys-Meyers' creepy stare couldn't beat Jimmy Carr's dead fish eyes.
There is only one celebrity nose for us and thats Antony Costa from Blue.
Finally Pete Doherty's chiseled jaw and pert lips defeated Phil Collins' little pursed smackers to make it on to our difinitive face of male beauty.

Quite a hottie I think you'll agree.

Lily makes her Mark

Flame-haired cutie Lily Cole has been announced as the new face of Marks and Sparks. We like Lily, and think this is generally a good thing, though as a mere whippersnapper of 19 she might be a bit young to appeal to the key M&S demographic. Ah well, she surely can't do worse than Take That's recent tramps-borrowing clothes-from-a-kindly-businessman shoot.

Heather goes GAY

Not that we rely on Neil Sean for anything but inducing a mild bout of nausea whenever we set eyes on him, but this snippet from his Metro column makes for intriguing reading: apparently Heather Mills wants to appear at G-A-Y, where she hopes to become a gay icon.

"Gay men love a strong woman, and I think I fit the bill", she intoned in her annoying Geordie whine. Well, Heather, a strong woman perhaps, but a talentless, moaning, psychotic, humourless, compulsively dishonest one? Perhaps not. It's quite patronising of her to think that gay men are somehow not in possession of the critical faculties that lead the rest of the UK's population to dislike her so.

Still, we can't help feeling a grim fascination about the woman — which is why we're looking forward to reading this. 'Unsinkable' in that if you dunked her Medieval witch hunt-style in a stream she'd float? We'd place money on it.

Like father, like daughter

Bianca Gascoigne has proved she's a chip off the old block after being found guilty of causing a crash whilst driving under the influence in Hemel Hempstead.

The reality TV star whose CV includes Love Island and...erm, thats it, was fined £600 and banned from driving for 17 months after crashing into the back of a car and fleeing to a local bar where Police found the poor girl drowning her sorrows.

Explaining the incident to Police in the pub she said: "Yeah babe, I was coming down the hill and a car pulled out in front of me." Then she proceeded to collapse.

Today, as she borrowed her mum's credit card to pay the fine and looked forward to using a chauffeur for the next year or so, people celebrated in the streets, justice has been served once again.

Thanks to our harsh but fair judicial system, noone will be drink driving again in a hurry. Hooray!

Does he really want to hurt you? Um, yes, apparently

We've always rather liked Boy George here at Celebritish, even if he did turn down a request to DJ at a birthday party for an obscenely drunk friend of ours. However, while this was, in our eyes, previously his greatest crime (yes, clearly worse than the cocaine incident), he does appear to have rather topped it with a very evil kidnapping .

Yes, George apparently chained up a rent boy (who denies he is a rent boy) in his London sex dungeon (he has one too! I thought I was the only one!) and convinced him he was going to die by coming at him with a box of sex toys and telling him he'd "get what he deserved".

I don't know, you try to write a lighthearted celebrity blog and find all the stories are about dungeons, perversion, corpses and even more nightmarishly revolting things . Where are the funnies today??

I'm A Celeb - Day 1

We're reserving our judgment on IACGMOOH for the time being after the first night was a bit lame.

There was a slight twist as the celebs were split into two teams, the Crocs and the Snakes.

The Crocs (featuring Cerys Matthews, John Burton Race, Marc Bannerman, Rodney Marsh and a haggard-looking Anna Ryder-Richardson) proved a tedious bunch as they bonded over a bungee jump and settled down in their camp. They might as well have been singing Ging Gang Goolie for all we cared.

The Snakes - one man down after Malcolm's last minute exit - were much more fun even with Gemma Atkinson and J from Five holding them back. Janice Dickinson (and the rest of the world) quickly took a dislike to Lynne Franks and they spent the first day bickering, culminating in Janice threatening to cut off Lynne's breasts and eat them. The shy, retiring Dickinson then went on to tell us that she knows how to gut a bear which sounded plausible until you saw her faced with a tank full of fairly friendly looking eels and pathetically squealing "I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"

In other news Katie Hopkin's will be entering the jungle tonight, so assuming she's joining The Snakes, they will remain the only team worth watching.